9w0d

I started spotting brown Tuesday night. I flipped my shit and sobbed for a bit. The next day I was feeling slightly better about it. I called the doctors office and the nurse said pelvic rest, no exercise, and that it was probably just from the ultrasound and internal exam. But I continued to have it all the way until yesterday (Saturday). I was feeling pretty down about it too.

WELL, I haven't had any brown in my discharge or anything today AND I found the heartbeat on the Doppler tonight! AHHHHH!!!! It was only about 20-30 seconds at most, but I swear I got butterflies! Then, baby moved behind the sound of my heartbeat which was super loud. I am feeling so much more confident now after a rough week!

Anyways, not much else has happened this week since my butt has stayed planted on my couch since Tuesday :P

How far along?  9w0d
Symptoms? just fatigue and I had spotting this week. Tonight I am so gassy and it is SO loud (like in my stomach, not passing any gas). I'm glad I'm home tonight!
Total weight gain/loss?  Down around 6-7lb
Maternity clothes?  I bought some maternity pants yesterday! SO comfy!
Sleep?  I sleep as much as possible
Best moment last week? ultrasound of course!
Movement?  Not for a while, I'm sure.
Food cravings?  none this week
Gender? I'm thinking girl. We will likely find out at 16w again
Belly button in/out? In for a long time.
What I miss: an appetite
What I am looking forward to: My next ultrasound
Milestones: I've officially passed my loss milestone and I've confirmed baby is still kicking away in there since! Next would probably be 2nd tri!

8w1d

So I will get it right out and say that I had my first ultrasound today and there's a baby in there measuring right on track with FF (7w5d) with a HR of 154!

I have not had any symptoms since around my last post at 6w and some change. It had me TERRIFIED. I finally had some nausea Saturday evening and most of the day Sunday. This morning, I threw up in my sink after brushing my teeth. I had some pretty bad urges since I had woken up and I HAD to get the morning breath taste out of my mouth. What sucked the most was I had nothing in my stomach so only a little bile came up and it hurt like a bitch. My heart was pretty damn happy though.

I was a nervous wreck on the way to the appointment. We got there early and they got me back with the nurse within two minutes of sitting in the waiting room. I did sit there for quite a few minutes after I got naked while waiting for the doctor to do my physical exam and then the ultrasound. Once she got the u/s machine, she got right to it. I told her how nervous I was and I can totally tell how sensitive she was to that. She went to the baby right away and I didn't see anything moving and for a few seconds I thought there was no heartbeat. So she said immediately after that thought entered my mind that there was a heartbeat and she was able to zoom in a bit and I could see it beating away. She let us listen to it and I cried a little. It was soooo relieving. Everything looked normal and the baby was measuring a few days behind my LMP, but we are keeping the date the same for now since even those measurements can be a little off.

The best part was that, without me asking, she said she wanted to see me back in 2 weeks to check back in on baby to make sure things are still progressing. She said then she will relax a little. Seriously, she almost sold me on staying with her my whole pregnancy. I feel so incredibly comfortable with her and the care I'm receiving. I felt so at ease and so relieved. I am so happy that she was recommended to me. Now, I have to make the decision on whether I stay and give birth almost an hour away or go to the birth center. I've already decided that I will wait until after the first trimester to make that decision (and I will likely take the tour with the birth center). I'm just so damn happy with my care right now.

I don't have too much else to update. I haven't found baby on the Doppler yet, but I know it's still so early. I will continue trying. So far, I haven't let it worry me that I can't find it so I'm hoping I can continue to be responsible with it lol. My loss milestone based on measurements today, is Wednesday. I am still really nervous, but I'm certainly feeling more comfortable after having this ultrasound even though that wasn't necessarily a guarantee back with my first pregnancy (strong heartbeat at 7w5d and lost the baby at 8w0d). My mantra right now is basically something like my previous pregnancy does not dictate the outcome of this one. I am not doomed because it has happened before. It really is helping me for once to know the "odds."

I'll take a minute just to note how different and similar things are with Jill and this pregnancy with OWTs. I was a sick mess with Jill and only mild nausea occasionally now (although I threw up for the first time earlier this pregnancy) (nausea means girl). HR for Jill was in the 160s and this one 150s (low means girl). I don't remember what I got for Jill on the Chinese gender calendar, but this time I got girl on 3 different ones (I think two of them used my "lunar age" and one used both lunar age and "lunar month" and one used neither). With Jill, I ate all things sweet. This time, I'm really wanting the salty stuff (boy). Overall, I'm thinking it's a girl, but I really wouldn't be shocked if it was a boy. I know OWTs mean nothing and they have a 50/50 chance of being right, but it's still fun! I just have a girl feeling but it's really like a 60/40 feeling. We also supposedly conceived on O-3 which sways for girl according to the shettles method (apparently girl sperm survive longer or something like that)

How far along?  7w5d-8w1d
Symptoms? on and off nausea (more off)
Total weight gain/loss?  Down around 5lb
Maternity clothes?  After today, I'm feeling comfortable enough to make some purchases so I think I might go pick a few things up tomorrow.
Sleep?  I sleep as much as possible. This growing a baby thing is taxing! (also, who am I kidding? I fucking love sleep and I've always loved it!)
Best moment last week? Well, today was pretty fucking awesome!
Movement?  Not for a while, I'm sure.
Food cravings?  I've been wanting salty things like soy sauce-same but not as often
Gender? I'm thinking girl. We will likely find out at 16w again
Belly button in/out? In for a long time.
What I miss: Honestly? NADA
What I am looking forward to: My next ultrasound or finding the baby on the Doppler
Milestones: My next milestone will be Wednesday. I don't think I will find out for another week or more if baby makes it through

6w2d

I am a few days late (or maybe right on time.. we shall see when I get my u/s in 2 weeks. It's 3pm now so technically it is less than 2 weeks away (if only by a few hours). Man, this past week-week and a half has been a rollercoaster. Mainly downs, but a few bouts of hope. My symptoms are here and there. It was actually relieving to go back and read my blog from when I was pregnant with Jill. I guess I am mimicking my feelings and symptoms. Although I haven't had the gaggy/vommy morning sickness yet. I have had bouts of mild nausea in the evenings for I'd say about 3/4 of the nights since I came home from VA (right before 5w), but it has been fewer and far between the past 4-5 days which obv has me freaking out.

I'm having shitty insomnia even when I take unisom, and Jill has been getting up at the crack of dawn almost every day. I wish I could fall asleep earlier. Even when I don't get a nap all day, I still can't fall asleep until 11pm-1am. Last night was especially rough with Jill waking frequently and me having a hard time sleeping. I got tops 5 hours of sleep. And what am I doing now that Jill is napping? Blogging.. my mind has been going a mile a minute since the second I laid down to try to sleep. Oh well. It's just one day of sleep.

I've been having a lot of pulls and cramps today which is oddly reassuring. They aren't cramps like contractions where they come and go regularly so I'm guess that's why I feel good about them. I see it as my uterus is growing. I'm pretty sure I can feel it right behind my bone.

I'm just dying to bust out my doppler. I'm really hoping to find the hb early again like I did with Jill. I have quite a bit more weight on me now though so my expectations are a little lower. That's not going to stop me from trying probably mid-next week. I also know I'm likely a few days behind my LMP so I'm hoping I will be able to keep this all in mind when I'm searching.

I want to get out my feelings about this ultrasound coming up. I was all positive and happy from the time I found out I was pregnant until last Monday (5w1d). I went into my intake appt with the nurse (who was a snatch both times I've ever dealt with her.. her bedside manner can suck a d) feeling fine, and as soon as I walked to my car, I realized I had no milestones or appts or anything pregnancy-related between me and that dreaded ultrasound. It is scheduled for the 21st when I will be anywhere from 7w5d to 8w2d. With my first pregnancy, I had my first u/s and was measuring 7w5d with a healthy hb. I then lost the baby two days later and found out at 8w5d. This stupid ultrasound is smack in the middle of panic zone for me. Yet I cannot bring myself to call and reschedule it for the following week. I have this need to know if the baby is alive in there right now, but I am worried that seeing a baby measure less than 8w1d will give me no reassurance. I know that's stupid. I know that people have missed miscarriages up until even mid-second tri, but those dates are a trigger for me.

I plan on explaining it all to the doctor that day. I plan on telling her that I have a home doppler and how it helped me with my daughter. And I plan on asking her if at any point I have trouble finding the baby on the doppler after my u/s, if I could come in for reassurance. I don't care if I have to pay OOP for an ultrasound.

Every few days I've been POAS still. My stupid wondfos weren't getting any darker so I went out and bought more FRERs and they've brought me so much reassurance. Honestly, wondfos suck ass. They are not the same as they were with Jill. I will post my tests from Jill and my tests from this time. My FRERs have has the test line as dark or darker than the control line for over a week and a half. Wondfos? Yeah, last night was the first time I got a wondfo with equal shades for the test and control. With Jill, that happened at 17dpo. I even blogged about it. I am AT LEAST 26DPO (so 25DPO yesterday). FRER was equal at 15dpo (and was with Jill around the same time.. I only tested at 11 and 16DPO and it was equal for sure at 16DPO)

This pregnancy 6/23 is approx 10-11DPO

Jill's pregnancy

How far along?  6 weeks 2 days approx
Symptoms? extreme fatigue, mild nausea (some days), peeing a little more than normal (but I've been making an effort to drink more too)
Total weight gain/loss?  Down 2.2lb
Maternity clothes?  Not yet. I won't be holding out too long especially if I show early. No sense being uncomfortable!
Sleep?  I sleep as much as possible. This growing a baby thing is taxing!
Best moment last week? Meh
Movement?  Not for a while, I'm sure.
Food cravings?  I've been wanting salty things like soy sauce
Gender? No idea and no intuition this time!
Belly button in/out? In for a long time.
What I miss: Honestly? Not being such a wreck
What I am looking forward to: My ultrasound that is scheduled on July 21st!
Milestones: My next milestone will be to make it past my ultrasound

5w0d

So this is more just a formality.. :P Obv I'm not feeling very differently than I was a few days ago, but here's my 5w post for the sake of having a 5w post.

I'm tired. I don't remember being this tired with Jill. I have been taking naps any time I can. When Keith gets home from work in the morning until he goes to sleep for the day, when Jill takes her nap, and I dose off in the evening on the couch after Keith is awake. Then I'm tired enough to go to bed at a reasonable hour. It is going to be tough when Keith finishes this shift bc he will sleep when I do so I can't take as many naps lol. I've also had some mild nausea in the evenings. No gagging or vomiting yet thank goodness. I don't think I vom'd with Jill until 10w, but I know it didn't stop for 9 weeks. I'm certainly hoping to skip it all, but I'm already feeling nauseous so I doubt I will get to skip it. I didn't feel morning sickness with Jill until 6w on the nose.

I'm still feeling pretty hopeful. Much more so than I remember with any of my other pregnancies (except maybe my first). I am sure shit will change as my ultrasound approaches and the anxiety sky-rockets. I was a hot mess around 7-8w last time emotionally. Crying all of the time. Convinced my baby had passed and I just hadn't lost the pregnancy yet. I don't want to go to that place again. It's one of my darkest that I've ever been in. I'm tearing up just thinking about the shear sadness that I felt.

I don't have a bump and I won't be sharing one unless I get a cute one again lol. I've put on so much weight since having Jill that I don't really feel excited about showing my body from the side.. I mean I still look like I just had her yesterday with this weird saggy stomach I have.

My tests have gotten pretty dark. FRER is officially drawing dye from the control line, the weeks estimator says "2-3w" (it said 1-2w Tuesday morning FMU and 2-3w Friday morning FMU), wondfos don't seem to be as awesome as they were before. I've honestly only used them bc I have 40 or so of them. My wondfos are about as dark as they were at 12DPO with Jill, but my FRERs are as dark as they were at 17DPO (and that's the last day I tested with Jill on FRER). I trust the FRERs so much more anyways so I'm honestly not worried. Just disappointed bc I liked them so much last time.

How far along?  5 weeks 0 days approx
Symptoms? extreme fatigue, mild nausea, peeing a little more than normal (but I've been making an effort to drink more too)
Total weight gain/loss?  I don't want to share my weight, but I've got my base-line for the pregnancy
Maternity clothes?  Not yet. I won't be holding out too long especially if I show early. No sense being uncomfortable!
Stretch marks? Lol I'll be surprised if I can figure out which ones are old or new if I stay pregnant
Sleep?  I sleep as much as possible. This growing a baby thing is taxing!
Best moment last week? it's technically the same week as my last update so I can still use my positive test!
Movement?  Not for a while, I'm sure.
Food cravings?  I had to have pickles last night. Thank goodness I bought some for Jill the other day. Sorry, Jill!
Gender? No idea and no intuition this time! Crammy thinks girl and we're both wondering if this early nausea is a sign of that (;
Belly button in/out? In for a long time.
What I miss: Nothing. I'm like one second pregnant!
What I am looking forward to: My ultrasound that is scheduled on July 21st!
Milestones: My next milestone will be to make it past my ultrasound

I've been taking a B-complex vitamin that makes my urine neon so sorry about the super yellow tests.. Wondfos are hard to read but they are (top to bottom) 6/26 pm, 6/27 FMU, 6/28 pm. I can't put DPO bc I've got about a 5 day window so I don't know.

4w3d?

Here we go again. Pregnancy number 5. Seriously.. That seems ridiculous to me, but it is what it is.

So, HAIIIIIIIIIIIIIIII!!!!!!!!!
I'm actually feeling really good. My chart was all wonky and says I'm not that far along, but how would I get this beauty at 10dpo?! (Bottom test. Top is 11 DPO)

So I'm going by LMP until I have my dating ultrasound. Those lines alone put me past my two chemical pregnancies. I didn't have lines like that until mid-4 weeks with Jill so I am feeling on cloud 9! I am obviously still very skeptical and nervous since my first pregnancy went to 8w. At most I am 4w3d and at least I am 3w5d (what FF says I am).

I am seriously shocked. I left for Virginia to visit family thinking I hadn't even ovulated yet and I got crosshairs a few days later. Keith's schedule made sex before my trip difficult so I thought this cycle was wasted. I had a temp jump Monday morning and FF said I was 10dpo and I was drinking so the impatient tester in me went and bought the tests. I am pretty sure I literally said "no shit!" when I saw how quickly those lines popped up.

How far along?  4 weeks 3 days approx
Symptoms? (I added this bc I wish I had it last time) a little fatigued, frequent urination, and right this second I have heartburn! Damn that heartburn! I also had a sharp pain in my ute when getting up too quickly tonight. I'm thinking RLP early?
Total weight gain/loss?  I've been on vacation so I haven't weighed myself yet
Maternity clothes?  Not yet. I won't be holding out too long especially if I show early. No sense being uncomfortable!
Stretch marks? Lol I'll be surprised if I can figure out which ones are old or new if I stay pregnant
Sleep?  I'm pretty damn tired all day
Best moment last week? See picture above (;
Movement?  Not for a while, I'm sure.
Food cravings?  I haven't really had any cravings yet.
Gender? No idea and no intuition this time!
Belly button in/out? In for a long time.
What I miss: Nothing. I'm like one second pregnant!
What I am looking forward to: My ultrasound that is scheduled on July 21st!
Milestones: My next milestone will be to make it past my ultrasound.

Idk

I've been really good about knowing that pregnancies don't end in babies

I've been really good about knowing I have an amazing daughter already and some don't have that

I've been really good about knowing things could be worse

I've been really good about acting normal

I've been really good acting like I shouldn't be pregnant right now

But

But I still feel hurt. I still want Jill to have a sibling in a few months. I still know I would know if I was having a boy or girl now. I still know my friends and family would be excited I was expecting. I still feel broken. I still feel angry that others have such an easy time. I still feel like I don't deserve having that wonderful, careless, easy, happy time that most have when they try or don't try for a baby and conceive.

Punch in the gut

Well that post yesterday was pointless. I started cramping and bleeding last night ): ugh