Punch in the gut

Well that post yesterday was pointless. I started cramping and bleeding last night ): ugh

Oh HAI again!

So I suck as a mommy blogger. I just don't know what to write about lol. I guess I can give a little update on us.

Jillian is 10.5 months now. Yeah.. Like 10 months 2 weeks and 3 days old. Holy shit. She is WALKING. She typically eats three solid meals a day and nurses before naps/bed and usually once in the night around 4-6am. She sleeps from about 7am til 4-6 and then back down until 7-8am. She talks all of the time but she still doesn't know any real words. She has 3 teeth. She got her first two the first week in Nov and she cut her first top tooth a few days ago. She has been sick twice in her lifetime. She had RSV in December and now she has a stomach bug that has been going around. She's a lot of fun. I can and do watch her play and explore all day long! I love being her mom so so much!

So much so that we decided to add another in the mix!
I am 4w2d with hopefully our second take home baby. I found out Saturday at 11DPO for sure. I had taken a test the night before bc we were having company over and I knew I'd have a few drinks. It was a stupid wondfo and it looked negative and was taking forever to develop so I left and went to enjoy my company. I didn't see the line until the next day so I took a FRER and it was positive! Cue: freak out. I ran to JoAnns and got an iron on transfer that says "I'm the big sister" to share with Keith. I will post all the pics and stuff another time bc they're on my phone.

No symptoms yet except heightened sense of smell. I thought my sore nipples were a pregnancy symptom but I've had them for almost two weeks so I think it was Jill's teething.

I'm pretty low on hope right about now. My tests aren't darkening up like Jill's did. I almost feel like I'm just waiting to start bleeding. I have had serious mood swings but not from happy to angry, but okay to weepy and depressed. I'm having a really hard time. I want this baby so badly. We have been NTNP (but really we've likely hit at least one day in the FW for the last 5 cycles). I had tested negative at 8 and 9DPO and I washed my diva cup and talked to Keith about probably TTA until after our vacation at the end of summer. I was surprised to see that line the morning of 11DPO. In hindsight, I should have known better bc my LP has been 8 days or shorter since I started OPKs back in Sept (didn't use them in Oct but did the other months).

There was a post on TB with some great mantras to inspire hope and positive thinking and I'm going to post them here for myself and for anyone that might be reading (likely no one since I haven't blogged since.. wow since August!)


Today I am pregnant and I love my baby

I am pregnant until someone tells me otherwise

My past does not dictate my future. A previous miscarriage does not mean I will have another miscarriage

Hope does not make bad things happen. You cannot jinx your pregnancy by getting excited or telling someone. Live in the positive.

There is nothing I can do to prevent a miscarriage from happening. Worrying myself sick will not prevent a miscarriage. And if it were to happen again, I know I will survive. 


The last one really speaks to me. I am crying now even thinking about it happening again, but I know I will survive. I hope things will be different now that I have Jill if something bad does happen. I can't be that person I was before I got pregnant with Jill and after my second miscarriage. I was obsessed. I was so incredibly enveloped in my own grief to care about myself or anyone/anything else. That's not an option this time. I have to be the best mother I can be for Jill. I cannot keep going to that dark place. That same place I am struggling so hard to stay out of even now with all of this unknown. Next time, I think I'm going to have Keith ration tests out to me when trying so I can test and get a positive and then leave it at that. I cannot help myself and I have already taken a million tests in the 5 whole days I've known I'm pregnant.

If this baby doesn't come home with me in October, I do not plan on trying again until I can find a doctor that will run tests on me to make sure my body is not causing these losses. I got some good recommendations for a doctor about 30min away that is supposedly really sympathetic to those with losses and is very understanding and helpful. I hope I get to see her for my early pregnancy though instead of for loss testing, but I'm thankful to have a lead on a good doctor either way. I was hoping to give birth in the birth center here, but if I cannot transfer a little later in my pregnancy, then I will just have another hospital birth. My birth with Jill wasn't bad at all so I'm okay with that. (The center only takes a small number of patients due around a certain time bc they have a limited amount of staff).

Anyways, Jill is fussing. Maybe I will start a pregnancy update thing like last time when I feel a little more confident. If I can make it until 6w, then I will feel a little better. I will also try to update with appt dates and any other news

22w1d

I have no idea where the last week went. I barely can comprehend that I'm 22 weeks right now.. I feel like I just wrote an update yesterday.

Honestly, I'm not even feeling pregnant lately except for this little person kicking me all day and it hurts to lay on my back. I have pretty much no symptoms (unless feeling like a bottom-less pit and wanting cookies and ice cream 24/7 are symptoms). It is so weird after being completely miserable for the first 4 months. I fully expected to continue to feel miserable until Jillian was on the outside. I am SO glad I feel normal (other than the weird twitching feeling my belly makes most of the day).

Movement has really increased in the last week. I also have a feeling Jillian is completely diagonal in there. I keep feeling her near my hips on one side and then to the left of my belly button by a few inches on the other. Maybe that's why my bump was big one day and then back to normal the next. I'm assuming she's a bit more stretched out and laying across my belly instead of head down and feet up like she was at my a/s.

I'm gonna (hopefully quickly) touch on my weird loss feelings. One of my good friends had her baby this week. I remember vividly when my husband told me she was pregnant. It wasn't terribly long after I miscarried for the second time. He walks in the door all cheery and looks at me and says, "So and so is.." and then makes a round belly gesture with his hand. I cried. I felt awful. I felt sad for me and I felt bad that I wasn't jumping for joy for her. I honestly felt really guilty.

I stopped talking to her and hanging out with her as much. It was really hard. I think at first she was very shocked. It hurt me that she got something I wanted so badly and she didn't seem to be totally thrilled about it (which was totally unfair since she could have been jumping for joy inside and I didn't know. She isn't the type to AW or brag about things). When we were with friends, everyone asked her a million questions and I just sat back trying to keep it cool. Then, after it sunk in maybe?, she started talking about the baby and seemed to be really excited. I was the bitter bitch that couldn't stand it either way.. I feel like I was acting pretty irrational. I wasn't even attempting to be happy for her. She really couldn't win.

I apologized to her. I think she could tell it was pretty awkward for me. We've been fine ever since. After I got over it, I felt comfortable talking to her about her pregnancy (and I honestly cared and wanted to know) and even shared some of my story with her. Whether she cared or not (although she's so sweet so I'm sure she didn't mind), I unloaded some things to her that I really hadn't shared out loud to a real person. It felt good.

Anyways, I got bit by the cousin of that jealousy bug again this week. I am jealous she's snuggling her little one (who is CRAZY adorable). This time it is SO different than hearing that she was knocked up. I am jealous that Jillian isn't here yet. I wasn't aching for my March 12 or September 12 baby. I ached to hold my little girl. I do feel guilty for feeling that way. I know there's no controlling my feelings and reactions, but it still feels wrong. It feels like I am satisfied with Jill (for lack of a better term). Like I said a few weeks ago, I don't wish those pregnancies had turned out differently any more. I don't think, "oh, I should be holding my 7 month old or my almost two month old." I think, "damn, I wish March was sooner so I can meet this little booger that keeps punching me!"

Maybe that's me moving forward a little more? Maybe this is how others feel when they finally get their rainbow. Maybe not. I'm just going to tell myself that there isn't a "right" way to feel about loss so I don't feel as bad about how happy I am. (and this totally turned into a long thing.. lol! Sorry to the 3 people that read my blog!)

I know everyone has probably heard enough, but I'm still worried (every day) and I'm still scared about Jillian's size. I have a feeling she was measuring a bit small at my anatomy scan, but I don't know how small is too small.. according to this fetus growth measurement calculator I found online, Jill was in the 10th percentile for size at the a/s.. kind of.. Okay it makes you put in even weeks (like 20, 21, 22 vs 21w2d). So, I had to round up two days because I was 19w5d and it only lets you put in 20 weeks. I don't know how much of a big deal 2 days is in ounces at that point.. In my March 13 fb group, Jill was measuring smaller than almost everyone that reported weight except those that were around 18 weeks. I know I need to drop it and trust that my doctor would say something if there was something up (especially since I told him I was concerned about my weight loss last week).

I am going home next week for two weeks, so my posts will be mobile and might suck. Also, Monday is my birthday!

This turned into a really long post.. Oops! I guess I had more to say than I thought

How far along? 22w1d!
Total weight gain/loss? Down 20lb and haven't started going in the other direction yet..
Maternity clothes? I mix my old clothes with maternity clothes
Stretch marks? No new ones
Sleep? I could sleep all day still.
Best moment last week? Feeling great
Movement? She's moving like crazy in there most days now
Food cravings? Sweets today. I really wanted some damn cookies!
Gender? GIRL!
Belly button in/out? In for a long time. It's stretching a bit though.
What I miss: Not really anything. I feel normal (except I can't drink.. bummer)
What I am looking forward to: going home to see my nephew!
Milestones: I'm really looking forward to viability day at 24 weeks

 

21w5d

Cycle 10 in a nutshell

SEX SEX SEX HOPE HOPE HOPE SEX HOPE SEX OVULATION HOPE HOPE BFN BFN BFN

Come on cycle 11. I'm so over this. I'm having a pity me day today. 11 months and one day ago, I got my first BFP. A few days after that, I started this blog full of hope. The hope is in the shitter now.

Sorry for being a whiny Neg Nanc today.

How I am doing.

I have been pushed to write a bit from a few awesome people (:
Since I've been working again, I have been feeling much better. I have something else that consumes so much of my life and time. I have had hard times in the past when I didn't have anything to do like a job. I get too much in my head when I am left alone to wallow in whatever sadness my mind can create. So, I am happy to report.. that I am happier! I still have those crazy times when I'm overcome with grief and I break down. I still think about my baby and losses daily. I just seem to be at one of those peaks (if you can call it that..) in this roller coaster of a journey.
Sometimes I wonder how much I really want to aggressively TTC (OPKs, temping, timing sex to the FW) because I am very nervous about being pregnant again. Mainly, I feel very positive about my next pregnancy. I will try my hardest to explain it.. My first miscarriage was awful. I had so much doubt in the beginning, and then I had that positivity after the hb and it all fell to shit. With my second mc, I expected a miscarriage from day one. I had less than 12 hours of feeling positive about it that I didn't even give myself the chance to fall in love with the baby. I feel like both were different and were hopefully caused by different things. I hope so much that they were awful bad luck instead of a problem that I may have.
I sometimes feel guilty that each loss is different to me (as in one is much more traumatic). I told my sister about getting the elephant tattoo with one elephant being larger than the other. I told her that it was because the bigger one would be the big brother or sister to the second, and her response was, "oh good! I thought you wanted one smaller bc one was more important than the other!" My heart twinged with extreme guilt. Even though that had nothing to do with my tattoo, I really DO feel like one is more of my baby than the other. I never connected or, sadly, really loved my second. I don't know if that is normal. I try to tell myself that grief has no normal. I don't know why my sister, who has not had a miscarriage, made me feel bad about my own hurt.
I am on cycle 10 now. I'm pretty scared for this month to not work. I have one of those "milestones" (for lack of a more appropriate word) that I never wanted to touch next month. My June cycle of last year led to my first BFP with my sweet lost LO. I never thought that I'd be approaching that right now, just like I never thought I'd pass my first EDD without being pregnant for quite a while. There's not much I can do besides have sex like rabbits. We have had excellent timing since our loss in January.. I hope it happens soon. There's a lot of pressure this month. I got my 2nd BFP 5 months after my first loss. This month marks 5 months since my last..
Shit, I should have a 2 month old baby or be 22 weeks with my second baby. At least time seems to be passing by quickly.

Valentine's Day

Here I am crying on Valentine's Day. What is wrong with me? I have a great husband, a nice townhouse, a great family at home, my sweet puppy cuddled up next to me. Why can't I be happy for what I have and stop longing for what I've lost? I should be about two weeks from holding my little one for the first time. Instead I'm sitting here grieving the loss. I've had a rough couple of weeks lately. This miscarriage business has seriously been a roller coaster. I was lower than I've ever been, then for a while I was coasting along and feeling almost normal again and then BAM! I'm back down super low. Crying about it isn't going to bring my baby back. I just want to move forward. Maybe once my EDD passes, I'll be able to be as happy as I was a few months ago. It really isn't fair to Keith. He tries so hard to make me happy. Hopefully he'll be home from work soon and I can get my mind off of everything.
This cycle is a bust and it's not even half way over. I made plans to go home for my sister's birthday which coincides with my O date. I leave Thursday night and return Tuesday morning with a probable O on Sunday. I'm a little bummed, but I'm excited to see my sister and nephew. Maybe I'll have a December baby instead of November. Plus, it'll be easier to go home and see Keith's family for the holidays if we don't have a newborn.
I'm gonna try to pep up and stay away from TB today. Maybe I'll watch a movie or something for the next two hours.

Tattoo

Something that I've wanted to do for a while now is get a new tattoo. It has been 2 years and some change since I got my last one. I've been waiting for an idea that means something to me. March 1st is our first baby's EDD and I think (if I'm not pregnant) that it'd be perfect to get a tattoo that day. I'm thinking somewhere on my back or rib cage on the left. I don't know if I want something to represent my baby or babies or if I want something to represent what I've been dealing with these past seven months. I feel very, very alone in my struggles and I think it'd be therapeutic to get one of these tattoos. I'm gonna post some pictures and ideas

This one means infinite love

 I already have a banksy tattoo on my back so I thought it'd be neat to add some of this other work. This would represent my struggles during this time

 Elephants represent a lot of things.. strength, family, etc. The most important thing to me is that elephants never forget

Our baby's EDD was in March. I've always used clovers and shamrocks to represent our baby because of St. Patrick's Day

 This is also banksy. I'm thinking of putting a clover in her hand and not having the balloon since I already have balloons

Another Banksy.

 I really like this one. I'd have two butterflies since we've had two losses. Butterflies are often used in miscarriage remembrance tattoos/jewelry/etc

I'd have two for each lost baby

This isn't Banksy but I really like it. I wouldn't get the color

 I like this one if it wasn't smiling and drawn a little neater. I think this one looks a bit sloppy but I like that it's holding the clover. I don't do color tattoos

Another Banksy. I'd go without the shopping cart :P

I would do a clover on one and IDK what I'd put in the other yet

 I would make an exception for my no color to get this. I'd get a clover instead of the hibiscus though

I like the simplicity of this one and I love the heart

I like that this one has a clover on it's back

This is a closer version of one I already put

Cheesy? Okay, I looove Harry Potter. Also, this is a bit symbolic for me. Expecto Patronum is the spell that gets rid of the dementors. I don't think I really need to explain how that can be symbolic

This is from Mary Tyler Moore. I just like it. It's pretty literal

Now I just don't know what I want.. I have so many options!

On jealousy

I am jealous. I feel so pathetic. I feel stupid for it. I feel sad for myself. Every time I see/hear a pregnancy announcement, my heart skips a beat. I just want to cry. I know other people aren't "taking" my baby or my turn at being a mom. I know I don't know their struggles (if they had any TTC), but I assume that they had no trouble and no pain. It hurts to see someone else get what I want so badly. I need to get with the program here. This last miscarriage has ruined my patience and turned me into the green-eyed monster.

2012 can suck it so far

It has been six months since that awful u/s. While I am doing better, I'm not better. If that makes any sense at all. I still cry myself to sleep sometimes. 2011 was by far the worst year of my life. I feel horrible saying that because Keith and I got engaged and married in 2011. But all of the underways in the midst of me getting pregnant, miscarrying, and grieving were so, so hard on me.
I really thought 2012 would be better. On December 28, I got another positive pregnancy test just two days after one of the greatest nights of my life (our wedding). I started off doubting that I would be able to have a baby in September. I think I was trying to protect myself with those thoughts. After we moved to CT a few days later, I started feeling hopeful. I let Keith touch my belly and I started fantasizing about the upcoming months. Then the tests never got darker. Then I got a negative test. Then I started bleeding. The day after I decided that I would allow myself to get excited and love my baby. If there's a god out there that really listens to people's thoughts and prayers, then fuck him for that.
I started the second day of the new year miscarrying my baby.
I have been grieving a bit differently this time. While I still have hurt and sadness, I mainly deal with anger/bitterness (if that's a word) and a lot of anxiety and questioning. I am scared to go through this again and again. I wanted a big family, but I don't know if I can do this 3-4 times.
I'm gonna update the look of this blog. I probably won't share it with anyone until we get far into a successful pregnancy though. I'm not sure I'm ready to let anyone in on my thoughts just yet, even strangers.

All I have to show for my second pregnancy

Maybe I'm ready

This post might not make much sense because it will be a bunch of my thoughts/feelings that I've been having the past month or so.

It has been 1 month and almost 2 weeks since I lost my baby.

I went to my appointment so nervous at 8w5d because Keith was at sea. I was somewhat optimistic because we saw that heartbeat. I thought for sure if I saw that heartbeat I was in the clear. I was very, very wrong.

I went in and peed in a cup like normal. I laid on that u/s table where I first teared up at the sight of my beautiful baby and his healthy heartbeat. The tech had the monitor facing her like she did the first time. The difference the second time? She never turned that monitor towards me after a minute or so. She asked me to stop breathing and moved the wand a little. She asked me to breathe normally and moved the wand. She asked me to stop again. My heart completely dropped. I knew what she couldn't find.. I don't know how many times after that that she asked me to hold my breath to make sure there was no heartbeat. She never said it, she didn't smile like she did the first time. She said she needed to step out and get the nurse. I started crying and she said "I guess you know why I'm getting the nurse." I sobbed... she laid her upper body on the table next to me and hugged me. She asked if there was anyone else here with me and I told her there wasn't. She went out to get the nurse and did a very quick repeat u/s. They asked me to get dressed and sit in a room and someone would be there in a minute.
I knew what was happening, I tried texting my mom and sister and grandma with no answer and my phone kept messing up. I got in touch with my coworker (I was supposed to go back to work) that had been through the same thing 5-6months prior. She kept texting me back saying she was sorry. The nurse came in and told me I could wait and miscarry naturally, have surgery (d&c) or take a medicine to make me miscarry and handed me some brochures.. I had to get bloodwork done. The lady that took my blood was so cheery until she saw me crying. Then I went home to my empty bed and cried and cried and cried. My mom came over and acted like she was going through what I was going through. Telling me how she's miscarried 93487r5398 times like that should make me feel reassured. Then my grandma came. I scheduled the d&c for the next day.

This is all I can really handle right now. I'll talk about my surgery and maybe after at another time. I'm tired and this is too much for right now. I miss my angel baby. I want him back so much..

Well here goes nothing

We lost the baby. I didn't even remember that I posted at 8 weeks exactly, the day my baby stopped growing. It actually makes me sick to my stomach to think about it right now. I have thought about telling my story here, but I don't think I'm ready. I thought I was until I skimmed that last post and now I know that I still need some time. So until then..