6w2d

I am a few days late (or maybe right on time.. we shall see when I get my u/s in 2 weeks. It's 3pm now so technically it is less than 2 weeks away (if only by a few hours). Man, this past week-week and a half has been a rollercoaster. Mainly downs, but a few bouts of hope. My symptoms are here and there. It was actually relieving to go back and read my blog from when I was pregnant with Jill. I guess I am mimicking my feelings and symptoms. Although I haven't had the gaggy/vommy morning sickness yet. I have had bouts of mild nausea in the evenings for I'd say about 3/4 of the nights since I came home from VA (right before 5w), but it has been fewer and far between the past 4-5 days which obv has me freaking out.

I'm having shitty insomnia even when I take unisom, and Jill has been getting up at the crack of dawn almost every day. I wish I could fall asleep earlier. Even when I don't get a nap all day, I still can't fall asleep until 11pm-1am. Last night was especially rough with Jill waking frequently and me having a hard time sleeping. I got tops 5 hours of sleep. And what am I doing now that Jill is napping? Blogging.. my mind has been going a mile a minute since the second I laid down to try to sleep. Oh well. It's just one day of sleep.

I've been having a lot of pulls and cramps today which is oddly reassuring. They aren't cramps like contractions where they come and go regularly so I'm guess that's why I feel good about them. I see it as my uterus is growing. I'm pretty sure I can feel it right behind my bone.

I'm just dying to bust out my doppler. I'm really hoping to find the hb early again like I did with Jill. I have quite a bit more weight on me now though so my expectations are a little lower. That's not going to stop me from trying probably mid-next week. I also know I'm likely a few days behind my LMP so I'm hoping I will be able to keep this all in mind when I'm searching.

I want to get out my feelings about this ultrasound coming up. I was all positive and happy from the time I found out I was pregnant until last Monday (5w1d). I went into my intake appt with the nurse (who was a snatch both times I've ever dealt with her.. her bedside manner can suck a d) feeling fine, and as soon as I walked to my car, I realized I had no milestones or appts or anything pregnancy-related between me and that dreaded ultrasound. It is scheduled for the 21st when I will be anywhere from 7w5d to 8w2d. With my first pregnancy, I had my first u/s and was measuring 7w5d with a healthy hb. I then lost the baby two days later and found out at 8w5d. This stupid ultrasound is smack in the middle of panic zone for me. Yet I cannot bring myself to call and reschedule it for the following week. I have this need to know if the baby is alive in there right now, but I am worried that seeing a baby measure less than 8w1d will give me no reassurance. I know that's stupid. I know that people have missed miscarriages up until even mid-second tri, but those dates are a trigger for me.

I plan on explaining it all to the doctor that day. I plan on telling her that I have a home doppler and how it helped me with my daughter. And I plan on asking her if at any point I have trouble finding the baby on the doppler after my u/s, if I could come in for reassurance. I don't care if I have to pay OOP for an ultrasound.

Every few days I've been POAS still. My stupid wondfos weren't getting any darker so I went out and bought more FRERs and they've brought me so much reassurance. Honestly, wondfos suck ass. They are not the same as they were with Jill. I will post my tests from Jill and my tests from this time. My FRERs have has the test line as dark or darker than the control line for over a week and a half. Wondfos? Yeah, last night was the first time I got a wondfo with equal shades for the test and control. With Jill, that happened at 17dpo. I even blogged about it. I am AT LEAST 26DPO (so 25DPO yesterday). FRER was equal at 15dpo (and was with Jill around the same time.. I only tested at 11 and 16DPO and it was equal for sure at 16DPO)

This pregnancy 6/23 is approx 10-11DPO

Jill's pregnancy

How far along?  6 weeks 2 days approx
Symptoms? extreme fatigue, mild nausea (some days), peeing a little more than normal (but I've been making an effort to drink more too)
Total weight gain/loss?  Down 2.2lb
Maternity clothes?  Not yet. I won't be holding out too long especially if I show early. No sense being uncomfortable!
Sleep?  I sleep as much as possible. This growing a baby thing is taxing!
Best moment last week? Meh
Movement?  Not for a while, I'm sure.
Food cravings?  I've been wanting salty things like soy sauce
Gender? No idea and no intuition this time!
Belly button in/out? In for a long time.
What I miss: Honestly? Not being such a wreck
What I am looking forward to: My ultrasound that is scheduled on July 21st!
Milestones: My next milestone will be to make it past my ultrasound

5w0d

So this is more just a formality.. :P Obv I'm not feeling very differently than I was a few days ago, but here's my 5w post for the sake of having a 5w post.

I'm tired. I don't remember being this tired with Jill. I have been taking naps any time I can. When Keith gets home from work in the morning until he goes to sleep for the day, when Jill takes her nap, and I dose off in the evening on the couch after Keith is awake. Then I'm tired enough to go to bed at a reasonable hour. It is going to be tough when Keith finishes this shift bc he will sleep when I do so I can't take as many naps lol. I've also had some mild nausea in the evenings. No gagging or vomiting yet thank goodness. I don't think I vom'd with Jill until 10w, but I know it didn't stop for 9 weeks. I'm certainly hoping to skip it all, but I'm already feeling nauseous so I doubt I will get to skip it. I didn't feel morning sickness with Jill until 6w on the nose.

I'm still feeling pretty hopeful. Much more so than I remember with any of my other pregnancies (except maybe my first). I am sure shit will change as my ultrasound approaches and the anxiety sky-rockets. I was a hot mess around 7-8w last time emotionally. Crying all of the time. Convinced my baby had passed and I just hadn't lost the pregnancy yet. I don't want to go to that place again. It's one of my darkest that I've ever been in. I'm tearing up just thinking about the shear sadness that I felt.

I don't have a bump and I won't be sharing one unless I get a cute one again lol. I've put on so much weight since having Jill that I don't really feel excited about showing my body from the side.. I mean I still look like I just had her yesterday with this weird saggy stomach I have.

My tests have gotten pretty dark. FRER is officially drawing dye from the control line, the weeks estimator says "2-3w" (it said 1-2w Tuesday morning FMU and 2-3w Friday morning FMU), wondfos don't seem to be as awesome as they were before. I've honestly only used them bc I have 40 or so of them. My wondfos are about as dark as they were at 12DPO with Jill, but my FRERs are as dark as they were at 17DPO (and that's the last day I tested with Jill on FRER). I trust the FRERs so much more anyways so I'm honestly not worried. Just disappointed bc I liked them so much last time.

How far along?  5 weeks 0 days approx
Symptoms? extreme fatigue, mild nausea, peeing a little more than normal (but I've been making an effort to drink more too)
Total weight gain/loss?  I don't want to share my weight, but I've got my base-line for the pregnancy
Maternity clothes?  Not yet. I won't be holding out too long especially if I show early. No sense being uncomfortable!
Stretch marks? Lol I'll be surprised if I can figure out which ones are old or new if I stay pregnant
Sleep?  I sleep as much as possible. This growing a baby thing is taxing!
Best moment last week? it's technically the same week as my last update so I can still use my positive test!
Movement?  Not for a while, I'm sure.
Food cravings?  I had to have pickles last night. Thank goodness I bought some for Jill the other day. Sorry, Jill!
Gender? No idea and no intuition this time! Crammy thinks girl and we're both wondering if this early nausea is a sign of that (;
Belly button in/out? In for a long time.
What I miss: Nothing. I'm like one second pregnant!
What I am looking forward to: My ultrasound that is scheduled on July 21st!
Milestones: My next milestone will be to make it past my ultrasound

I've been taking a B-complex vitamin that makes my urine neon so sorry about the super yellow tests.. Wondfos are hard to read but they are (top to bottom) 6/26 pm, 6/27 FMU, 6/28 pm. I can't put DPO bc I've got about a 5 day window so I don't know.

4w3d?

Here we go again. Pregnancy number 5. Seriously.. That seems ridiculous to me, but it is what it is.

So, HAIIIIIIIIIIIIIIII!!!!!!!!!
I'm actually feeling really good. My chart was all wonky and says I'm not that far along, but how would I get this beauty at 10dpo?! (Bottom test. Top is 11 DPO)

So I'm going by LMP until I have my dating ultrasound. Those lines alone put me past my two chemical pregnancies. I didn't have lines like that until mid-4 weeks with Jill so I am feeling on cloud 9! I am obviously still very skeptical and nervous since my first pregnancy went to 8w. At most I am 4w3d and at least I am 3w5d (what FF says I am).

I am seriously shocked. I left for Virginia to visit family thinking I hadn't even ovulated yet and I got crosshairs a few days later. Keith's schedule made sex before my trip difficult so I thought this cycle was wasted. I had a temp jump Monday morning and FF said I was 10dpo and I was drinking so the impatient tester in me went and bought the tests. I am pretty sure I literally said "no shit!" when I saw how quickly those lines popped up.

How far along?  4 weeks 3 days approx
Symptoms? (I added this bc I wish I had it last time) a little fatigued, frequent urination, and right this second I have heartburn! Damn that heartburn! I also had a sharp pain in my ute when getting up too quickly tonight. I'm thinking RLP early?
Total weight gain/loss?  I've been on vacation so I haven't weighed myself yet
Maternity clothes?  Not yet. I won't be holding out too long especially if I show early. No sense being uncomfortable!
Stretch marks? Lol I'll be surprised if I can figure out which ones are old or new if I stay pregnant
Sleep?  I'm pretty damn tired all day
Best moment last week? See picture above (;
Movement?  Not for a while, I'm sure.
Food cravings?  I haven't really had any cravings yet.
Gender? No idea and no intuition this time!
Belly button in/out? In for a long time.
What I miss: Nothing. I'm like one second pregnant!
What I am looking forward to: My ultrasound that is scheduled on July 21st!
Milestones: My next milestone will be to make it past my ultrasound.

4w4d

My fourth kind of blowed. Keith is being a huge baby. We seriously got in an argument about seeing fireworks because he's being a big baby about there not being any near us. We haven't gone to see the fireworks since we've been together.. IDK why he all of a sudden cares today. I swear.. he must be having sympathy pregnancy hormones and mood swings.

I am doing so well this pregnancy. I was so scared the last one. I never got attached. This one has felt different from day 1. I still get scared and have those moments of doubt, but I'd say I'm about 85% positive and only 15% freakout PgAL brain.

I found out that Keith is going to be underway for pretty much my whole pregnancy. I'm kind of scared shitless. What if something happens? I'm alone up here. Thankfully, when I found out last year, my grandma was able to take care of me. My mom and grandma were there while I cried and screamed in my bed. I can still see it and it still makes me cry to think about that day. I still vividly remember every moment from being on that ultrasound table to sitting with the nurse to trying so hard to drive myself home to screaming and crying to going in for surgery and waking up from the anesthesia to going to my grandma's and waiting for Keith to come home from sea so I could tell him the baby died and I just had it sucked out of me all while he was on a submarine thinking everything was a-okay. Oh my god.. what if I have to live with something like that for days or weeks? At least Keith came home the night after I found out and only 10 or so hours after my surgery.

On a lighter note, I called my sister and she said her and Coop would come live with me for a few weeks around my due date in case Keith is underway when I go into labor. I would love to have her by my side. I think she'd be the best labor coach and partner for the natural birth that I want. I think she'd be a great advocate for me and would help me stick to my guns. She's so strong and she's not one to waiver. I'd love having her help me learn how to be a mom for the first few days when family comes in. I know all of this is a long way off and I have plenty of time to let it all sink in and work out the details. Lets just hope that LO doesn't stray to far from his or her due date unless Keith is home :P

Totally unrelated: I'm reading a book called Divergent. I hope it turns out to be good. A lot of people compare it to The Hunger Games. So far, it's a pretty easy read.

Back to the baby talk: I'm going to share some of my crazykakes tests. At this point, I'm just wasting tests because I'm very confident that I don't have to worry about my tests fading out.

Yesterday at 17DPO. Today's test line is darker than the control

4w4d

A dear friend sent us this SOA onesie.. I'm dying at how adorable!

How far along?  4 weeks and 4 days
Total weight gain/loss?  Last I checked, I lost 3-4 pounds. Probably from the lack of booze
Maternity clothes?  Not yet. I haven't even felt bloated yet.
Stretch marks? No bloat or belly yet.
Sleep?  I am tired All.The.Time. I can take a long nap in the middle of the day and still fall asleep at 10pm and sleep through the night. I'm usually yawning around 10am
Best moment last week? The super super dark lines.
Movement?  Not for a while, I'm sure.
Food cravings?  I haven't really had any cravings yet.
Gender? No idea but I have strong girl vibes
Belly button in/out? In for a long time.
What I miss: Booze. I don't really miss anything too much.
What I am looking forward to: I don't know. I want first tri to hurry up, but I'm really enjoying being pregnant. I am so incredibly happy. I haven't made an appointment yet because I'm going to switch my insurance hopefully tomorrow (and I think it takes 10 days to switch over) so it'll be a while until I even have a date to count down to. I'm fine with that. I don't really want to see a doctor until 9 weeks or later anyways. I'd actually be okay not having an u/s until 20w. I'm thinking of buying a doppler towards the end of this month.
Milestones: I passed my latest loss's milestone. I lost my last at 4w2d. My next milestone will be to make it past 8w5d. I hope to be able to find the hb on the doppler around that time.

So.. yeah.. March..

9DPO FMU, 9DPO SMU, 10-12DPO FMU

So, that is what happened with cycle 11. I'm pregnant. I am a huge mix of emotions (mainly good, I promise!). I was convinced we'd need help. I was convinced there was something wrong with me. I was convinced that I would hit this past week and the next month with an empty uterus and a sad heart.

Here I am, 13DPO with progressing lines. I know, I know.. HPTs can't tell you if your pregnancy is going well or not. With my chemical pregnancy, my lines were exactly the same for all five days.. very faint until they faded away and I started my period.

Chemical Pregnancy tests. 10DPO, 11DPO, 14DPO (15 was neg)

I am due March 9. Just 8 days after what should be my Angel's 1st birthday. For some reason, that makes me hopeful. I at least feel like I'll have some time with this baby. A little longer than 5 days. I have known I am pregnant for the same amount of time as last pregnancy already and those lines are steadily progressing.

So far, I have been overwhelmed with girl thoughts. Keith still thinks boy and his mom thinks twins.. I would die if I had twins. I don't know what I'd do with myself. Yes, that's right! We told family this time. We told our close family today at 13DPO or 3w6d. We're both feeling really positive and I'd love support if this ends badly and we have to do loss testing.

Today, some of that high from the positives wore off. I'm starting to get scared and I keep trying to put those thoughts out of my mind by distracting myself. I've been thinking non-stop about the pregnancy since our positive test at 9DPO on Monday. Today is the first day I've been trying not to think about it as much. Monday will put me past my Chemical Pregnancy milestone. I think I'll take a slight breath once I hit 6 weeks. I want to try and schedule my ultrasound for around 9 weeks (which will be the first-second week of August). Last year, my baby stopped growing at 8w0d and I think if I'm only going to get one early u/s, that I'd like it to be after that milestone.

Well, I don't have much else to say. I have sore nipples and I'm tired almost all of the time. That's about it :P