When you are pregnant with your first, it is so hard to even imagine the emotional roller coaster you are about to face. Not that I had the hardest struggle ever, but I feel like after losing my two babies, I only ever pictured the absolute bliss that comes with motherhood and having a baby. I am not in any way saying that I am not head over heals for Jillian. My entire life revolves around this little girl, but that is something I love and something I struggle with.
My problem is I feel like I have spent the last few years trying to have a baby, then 9mo preparing for her arrival, and now my life is all about trying to keep her happy. I have a high needs baby in the sense that she is practically 100% dependent on attention, distractions, and the like. I am no longer "Jess" but I am "Jillian's mom." That's the best way I can describe it. I happily live to make her smile or giggle, but somedays it is hard.
Some of those days make me hate breastfeeding. I am sorry, but it isn't all puppies and rainbows. It is hard. Jill doesn't take a bottle. At all. I am solely responsible for feeding her every hour and a half to two hours. I absolutely love it and I absolutely hate it. I don't get a break. It wasn't an issue in the beginning, but after almost 5 months, I am struggling to have my own identity again.
I don't write this for pity. I love looking down at my little girl when she is drowsy from eating. I love knowing I am the only one who can truly calm her at my breast, I love seeing her grow and knowing I raised her from a few cells to an apple seed to a blueberry to a banana to a watermelon to my 14.5 lb baby girl that laughs and smiles and tries so hard to talk! I just miss me. I write this on the off chance that someone else feels like I do and needs to know they are not alone. I am doing what someone else cannot for my girl and it is hard but it is beautiful.
