Oh HAI again!

So I suck as a mommy blogger. I just don't know what to write about lol. I guess I can give a little update on us.

Jillian is 10.5 months now. Yeah.. Like 10 months 2 weeks and 3 days old. Holy shit. She is WALKING. She typically eats three solid meals a day and nurses before naps/bed and usually once in the night around 4-6am. She sleeps from about 7am til 4-6 and then back down until 7-8am. She talks all of the time but she still doesn't know any real words. She has 3 teeth. She got her first two the first week in Nov and she cut her first top tooth a few days ago. She has been sick twice in her lifetime. She had RSV in December and now she has a stomach bug that has been going around. She's a lot of fun. I can and do watch her play and explore all day long! I love being her mom so so much!

So much so that we decided to add another in the mix!
I am 4w2d with hopefully our second take home baby. I found out Saturday at 11DPO for sure. I had taken a test the night before bc we were having company over and I knew I'd have a few drinks. It was a stupid wondfo and it looked negative and was taking forever to develop so I left and went to enjoy my company. I didn't see the line until the next day so I took a FRER and it was positive! Cue: freak out. I ran to JoAnns and got an iron on transfer that says "I'm the big sister" to share with Keith. I will post all the pics and stuff another time bc they're on my phone.

No symptoms yet except heightened sense of smell. I thought my sore nipples were a pregnancy symptom but I've had them for almost two weeks so I think it was Jill's teething.

I'm pretty low on hope right about now. My tests aren't darkening up like Jill's did. I almost feel like I'm just waiting to start bleeding. I have had serious mood swings but not from happy to angry, but okay to weepy and depressed. I'm having a really hard time. I want this baby so badly. We have been NTNP (but really we've likely hit at least one day in the FW for the last 5 cycles). I had tested negative at 8 and 9DPO and I washed my diva cup and talked to Keith about probably TTA until after our vacation at the end of summer. I was surprised to see that line the morning of 11DPO. In hindsight, I should have known better bc my LP has been 8 days or shorter since I started OPKs back in Sept (didn't use them in Oct but did the other months).

There was a post on TB with some great mantras to inspire hope and positive thinking and I'm going to post them here for myself and for anyone that might be reading (likely no one since I haven't blogged since.. wow since August!)


Today I am pregnant and I love my baby

I am pregnant until someone tells me otherwise

My past does not dictate my future. A previous miscarriage does not mean I will have another miscarriage

Hope does not make bad things happen. You cannot jinx your pregnancy by getting excited or telling someone. Live in the positive.

There is nothing I can do to prevent a miscarriage from happening. Worrying myself sick will not prevent a miscarriage. And if it were to happen again, I know I will survive. 


The last one really speaks to me. I am crying now even thinking about it happening again, but I know I will survive. I hope things will be different now that I have Jill if something bad does happen. I can't be that person I was before I got pregnant with Jill and after my second miscarriage. I was obsessed. I was so incredibly enveloped in my own grief to care about myself or anyone/anything else. That's not an option this time. I have to be the best mother I can be for Jill. I cannot keep going to that dark place. That same place I am struggling so hard to stay out of even now with all of this unknown. Next time, I think I'm going to have Keith ration tests out to me when trying so I can test and get a positive and then leave it at that. I cannot help myself and I have already taken a million tests in the 5 whole days I've known I'm pregnant.

If this baby doesn't come home with me in October, I do not plan on trying again until I can find a doctor that will run tests on me to make sure my body is not causing these losses. I got some good recommendations for a doctor about 30min away that is supposedly really sympathetic to those with losses and is very understanding and helpful. I hope I get to see her for my early pregnancy though instead of for loss testing, but I'm thankful to have a lead on a good doctor either way. I was hoping to give birth in the birth center here, but if I cannot transfer a little later in my pregnancy, then I will just have another hospital birth. My birth with Jill wasn't bad at all so I'm okay with that. (The center only takes a small number of patients due around a certain time bc they have a limited amount of staff).

Anyways, Jill is fussing. Maybe I will start a pregnancy update thing like last time when I feel a little more confident. If I can make it until 6w, then I will feel a little better. I will also try to update with appt dates and any other news

8w0d

Holy moly I haven't updated this in forever ): I have been so so busy with Jillian and the move. This probably won't be too long of an update.

Basically, we freaking love our house in SC! It's huge and relatively new (5 years old) and we have so much space! I will post pictures as we decorate it, but right now it is covered in boxes and crap that we haven't found a place for! I do have some pics of Jillian's room so far.

The white is the door frame so this is to the left as soon as you walk in the door. The movers messed up my mobile so I need to fix that and I need to hang up the pictures in the crib.

I plan to make simple maroon curtains to match the bed skirt

Not sure why this one pic turned out so dark

Yes. This is real life... Top is 0-3mo, bottom is 3-6mo, and the left top is everything bigger plus some nightgowns, sleepsacks, snow suits (that she'll likely never wear.. they were given to us though don't worry!), and some nicer dresses

My child has been more than spoiled.. we are so so lucky to have been given almost every piece of clothing. This does not include any of her newborn clothes because she outgrew them (she has about as much NB as she does 3-6mo) or a good bunch that were in poor condition and I didn't have room for (like a whole box full...)


So Jillian is 8 weeks today! I don't have a scale that measures lbs and ounces, but today I weighed her (by me stepping on the scale alone and then with her and calculating the difference) and she weights 10.6lb! Breastfeeding is still going great. I have lost most of the feeling in my nipples lol. Sometimes I just let her stay on the boob even after she's done eating bc I love the cuddles and it doesn't hurt anymore!

Jill outgrew her newborn cloth diapers (well the Bumgenius ones she kept peeing out of so I'm assuming they didn't fit or weren't absorbent enough) right before we moved. She has been in sposies for the last week and a half as we went to VA to visit and then made the rest of the trip to SC. We just got a washer so I'm going to try some OS on her probably tomorrow, but we are leaving for Chicago next week so she will be back in sposies for that time bc I don't want to worry about washing her diapers there. I can't wait to try out some of my cute pockets! A lot of the fitteds seem pretty big and I only have one cover so we will probably wait a while before trying those out.

Jill is holding her head up pretty good for the majority of the time. She also smiles socially and I have gotten one or two laughs out of her. She started cooing a bit more over the past few days. She still doesn't have a complete hang of it, but she does it more and more every day and she seems so proud when she hears the sounds come from her mouth! She's very observant and loves to walk around and look at things. I'm hoping she will get a little better at holding her head up so I can buy her an umbrella stroller so she can sit upright in it and look around her. We live in a cute little suburban neighborhood so I'd love to take her on walks!

I think I want this stroller. So cute!

AFM, I lost all of the baby weight in about two weeks. I have gained about 5lb since that ): I am feeling pretty crummy about myself. Pregnancy definitely f'd up my body pretty nicely! I have a very saggy stomach and I'm just not feeling very sexy. I started the couch to 5k program and I'm thinking of also throwing in the Jillian Michaels 30 Day Shred (but I will likely take a bit longer bc of the trip to Chicago). Ideally, I'd like to be super skinny again. Realistically, I'd like to lose some arm fat and maybe some of my thighs and this pooch I have going on. IDK how much I should expect to weigh. I guess 120-125 would sound nice to me, but I know I will likely gain some muscle from exercising so I'm not sure what to expect weight-wise. I am about 5lb less than when I got pregnant which was my highest non-pregnant weight (I got up to 150ish during the last week of my pregnancy), so as long as I don't hit that or higher, I am really okay with any number as long as I am happy with my body.

TTC.. I am so torn about this. Keith wants to wait so our kids will be 2-3 years apart. I can see the advantages of that. A lot of people say that the older kid can "help" with little tasks and will enjoy being a big sister/brother. Jill will have those years to be the only child. But (and this is a huge but for me), my heart is telling me we should try when she's 6-9 months and they'd be closer to a year and a half apart. I think I only want two kids and I want them to be close and I want to get the newborn stage out of the way sooner. Don't get me wrong, I love Jill this age, but I think it'd be easier having kids closer in age. Maybe not. Maybe my brain is just not wired to have sex for only fun lol. Anyways, I am on the mini pill for the time being. I know for sure that I want to at least breastfeed for 6 months before even attempting to get pregnant. I'd like to breastfeed for a year or longer, but I have read that being pregnant can change your milk and some babies don't like it. I think starting to try around 6 months at the earliest gives me a better chance of making it further breastfeeding her. I have really started to love it even more as it gets easier and easier and it just seems natural and part of our routine now. (I guess I should say that I am one of the oh so lucky people that EBFs and got their period back at 6 weeks.. ugh.. but at least I know when I can TTC)

So that turned into a lot longer of a post than I expected lol! I will end with some pics of Jillian!

Look at those lashes!

Leggings that her Aunt Chancie sent her (:

Helping me unpack

One month!

Holy moly. It is really hard to find time with two hands to blog. This is going to be quick bc Jill is likely going to wake up hungry pretty soon. I just wanted to do a quick update anyways.

We are MOVING SOON! I am so stoked about moving out of this terrible townhouse. We have a super huge 2600 (I thought it was 2400) sq ft house with a 2 car garage, fenced in backyard, screened in back patio, 3BR, 2.5BA, FUCKING AMAZING HOUSE! Okay.. I'm all excited and I haven't even seen it yet except for like 6 pictures Keith took. Keith went to SC last week to house hunt and fell in love with the first house he went to see! He is a snob and likes nice things (I'm the cheap one of the two of us) so, if he is this excited about it, then I know it is going to be awesome! The best part is all of the Southern food that I've been missing over the last year and a quarter!

Our plan is for me and Jill to fly down to VA so we can visit with my family and then Keith is going to drive down and pick us up and take us the rest of the way to SC. THEN a few weeks later we are driving to IL to visit his family. I am so excited to see them, but the drive is going to be killer ):

Cloth diapering- We love it. I actually hate prefolds so we don't have near as many diapers as I thought for newborn. I have a very skinny legged child so I have trouble getting some of her diapers to fit around her legs. My favorite diapers are probably the BG XS and then the THX (knock off Lil Joeys) are our second favorite. They're both AIOs, but the BGs are very trim. The THX are pretty big, but have the double gussets which are nice for containing poop. We don't have enough diapers to wash every other day so we are being lazy and using disposables at night. It was easier for me at first because we are using the ones with the color changing line if the diaper is soiled, but now it'd be fine to use any diapers since she at least pees every time she sleeps at night.

Speaking of sleeping at night.. I was so excited when Jill's pedi said I could stop setting alarms every 4 hours at night to feed her when she hit 4 weeks old (last Wed). I had to wake her almost every night since we'd brought her home when that alarm went off. I don't know how long she would have slept otherwise. I was counting down until that 4 weeks so I could get maybe 5-6 hours of sleep. That little butthead hasn't slept more than a 4 hour stretch since she hit 4 weeks.. GAH! 4 hours sounds pretty good, except I am terrible at falling asleep. I sit there after she feeds and rock her or just hold her until I'm positive she's asleep (bc she'll wake up if I move her when she's not dead to the world and then I have to start all over trying to get her to sleep). Then, I put her in her rock n play and listen/watch to make sure she's really asleep for about 10-20min. THEN I lay down and try to sleep (which usually takes me a while anyways bc I have trouble falling asleep), but I am wide awake because I just spent an hour nursing her and changing her diaper and getting her to sleep. I really don't get to sleep the whole stretch that she goes in between feeds. It was tough when Keith was gone bc sometimes he'd rock her to sleep for me after I feed her if I'm having a rough time getting her back to sleep.

Since Keith has been home, she has been going down at night later ): I think I'm going to try a small schedule with her. Mainly just trying to keep her awake from 6 or 7 until 8 or 9 so she goes down at 9 or 10 instead of the 1am that she went down last night and the night before. She used to always go down for her longer stretches at 9:30 or 10 which was great with me! Hopefully, it will work out. If not, I will just deal with it and try again in a few weeks to get her to bed a bit earlier!

Breastfeeding has been going really great lately. I have almost no pain now. It is mainly just discomfort after a session (never during feeding unless she was cluster feeding that day) and my nipples get that chapped feeling if she nurses a lot. She has been eating a lot during the day (like every hour in the evenings) which makes it difficult to leave the house in the evening ): I still love it. I pumped and saved so I could have a night where I had more than a glass of wine. It was totally not worth it! Jill had a lot of trouble with the few bottles we've given her here and there. I think I will save drinking for a true special occasion or drinking with a group bc drinking at home wasn't all that fun and I was stressed trying to get her to eat (most of the milk would come out of her mouth).

Well, those are my updates! Jill has an appointment tomorrow morning and I"m excited to see how much she weighs!

Birth story part 2 and general updates

So, it is tough getting time on the comp with this sweet baby to feed and stare at all day!

Back to my story!

Like I said, I tried breastfeeding with Jillian while we were still in the delivery room and they were cleaning me and her up, but she wasn't having it because she was coughing up little fluid bubbles. All is well though because I was able to breastfeed a little when we got into our own pp maternity room. She has had a great latch since the beginning, but it still hurt like hell to nurse her. I had some scabs after the second day. I was reading The Womanly Art of Breastfeeding and it says BFing should never hurt. I was scared she wasn't getting enough because she wasn't feeding correctly even though the lactation consultants said she was doing great and she was having the appropriate number of wet and dirty diapers. I am taking that book with a grain of salt from now on.

The first night, I didn't sleep a wink. I was wide awake and on this almost high feeling. I felt no pain from the delivery and I was almost deliriously happy. I didn't sleep until the next evening and that was barely. I didn't like Jill being in her bassinet. I felt better holding her or having Keith hold her. The second night and day, Jill started cluster feeding. It was one of the hardest things to get through. The pain was toe curling because she was nursing almost constantly with only 20min to maaaaaybe an hour in between feedings.

We got to go home the third morning (Friday). It was pretty awesome walking out of the hospital with MY baby. I still can't believe she is mine and that I made her and carried her. I have wanted her for so so long. It makes all of the pain of the last two years 1000% worth it. Every tear and heartache was worth it. I wouldn't trade her for anything even when she is crying and nothing seems to soothe her or she is cluster feeding and I'm in pain.

meeting big brother, Optimus!

Our first few days went great. On Saturday night, I passed a clot about half the size of my fist in my underwear. It scared the shit out of me. It is insanely disgusting and scary to see something that large made out of your blood that just fell out of you. I called the on call doctor and he told me it was fine, but to watch for more bleeding. The first few days, I stayed up at night with Jill and Keith watched her for a good part of the morning/afternoon so I could sleep. I got in the shower at the beginning of Keith's shift Sunday morning because Jillian had her 4 day check up appointment at the pedi's office that morning. I passed a clot the size of a fist in the shower. I was freaking out at this point. I was told to call if I passed a clot the size of a fist or several clots adding up to that size and now I had passed two that added up to 1.5 that amount or more. I called the on call again and he told me to head to the ER. I tried holding back tears. I fed Jill and we packed her diaper bag and left at about 5:30am.

We got to the ER and got into a room pretty quickly. I had to have an ultrasound. The tech did an external first and the radiologist wasn't happy with it so they had to do the internal (ouch! I had stitches from tearing). They also took my blood. The doctor came in and said I had lost a lot of blood during delivery and that now my blood levels were borderline needing a blood transfusion and possibly a d&c if the u/s showed retained products of conception. Commence freak out. I started crying pretty hard because I was scared and Keith had to leave to take Jill to her first appt without me. I was so sad.

The nurse came in and told me the second blood draw showed no change in blood counts and that they'd be keeping me overnight for observation. She also said the ultrasound showed nothing and that I couldn't have Jill or Keith spend the night with me. I was pretty devastated and bawling at this point. I didn't want my baby away from me for 12 hours (visiting hours are 7-7) and she'd have to have formula because I hadn't pumped before. I asked for a pump to start pumping and they brought me a fucking manual pump.. We waited and waited in emergency even though I had already been told I would be admitted. They even moved me to another room in emergency (with all of the sick people coming in and out of the ER..) AFTER they told me I'd be admitted. I didn't understand what we were waiting for. Keith and I were arguing because he was pissed that Jill was around all the sick people and he was terrible to be around (he wasn't mad at me, he was just miserable and very grumpy towards everyone). I pumped and pumped and pumped for hours and only got half an ounce.. We were in emergency for about 8 hours before we were wheeled to an inpatient room (btw they had several open..). FINALLY we had nurses that acted like they knew what they were talking about.

I had a break down and Keith finally asked them to just discharge us. I was barely bleeding in my pad and obviously it wasn't some huge emergency since we had just been sitting around all day. I cried like crazy and tried to explain to the nurse in charge how I was feeling and about our terrible experience and the lack of communication. She ordered another blood draw and told me that I actually had improved levels at my earlier blood draw. I was waiting on the OB to deliver two patients to come talk to me and he would decide if I could go. After we had been there for 12 hours, I finally got to talk to him. He explained to me that it was always his plan to have me there for 10-12 hours to do several blood draws to confirm that my second blood draw and count raise was "real" and he was happy to say that my third draw showed about triple the raise as the first raise. He also told me that they DID see something on the ultrasound, but that the radiologist said it wasn't likely that it was products of conception and it was probably another large clot, but that they couldn't say for sure (the ER nurse basically told me a load of misinformation). He let us leave just in time for my sister to get in at the airport. It was one of the worst days of my life. It was so stressful and I basically just cried the whole last few hours from all of the stress. I have been fine since that day as far as bleeding.

I will try to make the rest of this quicker lol. Things at home have been going great. My sister and dad came to visit and it was a great time. We are glad to have some time at home as a family though now that they're gone. It is definitely hard to keep up with cooking and housework now though!

Jillian lost the regular weight while in the hospital. She started at 7lb8oz and was down to 6lb14oz when we left. At her 4 day check up, she was up to 7lb1oz and today at her two week visit, she was up to 7lb11oz! I am so proud of both of us lol. Breastfeeding has been challenging and formula feeding has been very enticing when she's going through a growth spurt, or my nipples hurt, or I am being woken up at 3am by a screaming baby and Keith can't do anything to help me feed her. I also love it. I love the closeness. I love sleeping with her after she passes out. I love knowing that I am providing for her and helping her grow. I love the faces she makes when she's trying to find the boob. It gets easier every day.

I will try to write more frequently, but Keith goes back to work Friday and we are moving in a month so I need to get my shit together.

Meet my baby! part 1

Sorry facebook friends, I don't have any new pictures to add up here since I pretty much post all of them to fb (except for the ones with boob in them which I won't be posting on the internet at all lol).

Jillian is 7 days old already! But obviously this story starts about a week ago (:

Let us go back to last Monday at 40w2d!

Keith and I went to my appointment with the doctor to do the ultrasound on Jill. She was looking good and her fluid was great all except behind her butt (which the dr didn't seem concerned over). He did another cervical check and stripped my membranes and said I was 1 cm and 50% effaced.. so almost no change since the previous week. He recommended having a gel applied on my cervix that afternoon and then again the next day in case we had to induce (inductions are more likely to fail or end in emergency c/s if the cervix isn't "favorable"). We headed to the hospital where they did another NST and then applied the gel. I had to sit there for an hour on the contraction and hb monitors to make sure Jill reacted well to the gel. We headed home, and, about 2 hours later, contractions started. They started at about 5-7min apart and lasted a minute. They slowly got to about 5min apart and lasted a minute. I was so excited! That went on until about 2 am when I finally fell asleep. I woke up to the contractions only coming about every 7min and not constantly. I was pretty bummed after thinking that the gel pushed me into labor (the nurse said it is pretty uncommon for that to happen with first time moms). I tried to stay positive and tell myself that at least the contractions probably helped my cervix progress.

So we went in at 11am the next morning for round 2 of this gel. When I was checked, I had only dilated to 1.5cm and was only 70% effaced.. I wanted to cry lol. The nurse told me that contractions after the gel were normal. I wish someone had told me the day before!! I wouldn't have gotten so excited and now I was dreading this round bc I knew I'd have another night of dealing with the annoying contractions (they were probably only a 4 on a scale of 10). After they placed the gel, the contractions picked up immediately this time (I was still having intermittent ones all morning). They were a bit more painful than the day before, but I didn't bother timing them bc I knew they weren't the real deal. About 4 hours later, I took a unisom and took a nap on the couch at about 3. At 7, I started being woken up by every contraction, but I didn't think much of it so I didn't start timing them or anything. I was just annoyed that I still had them (the nurse said they should only last 3-4 hours and it had been 7). I still laid there and kept falling in and out of sleep. At about 7:30, I felt this weird movement and heard (or at least thought I heard) a popping noise. Jill had never moved that fast so I thought maybe my water broke. I didn't get up and just waited to see if I started getting wet and nothing. Finally, I decided to head upstairs and as I was walking up stairs, I soaked my underwear. I ran to the toilet and it kept coming (not gushing, but probably a steady flow for a little bit). I wiped and noticed it was an orangey pink color and I was fairly certain it wasn't urine bc it didn't smell at all. I sat there for a while until I was convinced it wasn't me wetting my pants bc it kept coming (although not terribly heavy).

That's when the contractions started to hurt pretty badly. I would say they started to be about a 6. I called down to Keith and he was so excited that this was it. I knew even if the contractions didn't continue because they weren't "real" then I'd only have a certain amount of time before I'd have to deliver due to the risk of infections. I called the on-call number and the OB told me I could come in, but I didn't have to right away. I could labor at home for a while. I decided to get showered. Keith was timing my contractions when I was in the shower and they were every 3-4min and 1-1min15sec long. They started being pretty bad and I couldn't talk through them. I still wanted to wait and try to labor some more at home so I put a bunch of towels on the bed and labored on all fours while I sent Keith to DD to get a sandwich since I hadn't eaten since lunch time. Every time I had a contraction, I had to talk myself through it. They were probably a 7 to an 8 and they were hard to manage. I scarfed down my sandwich in between contractions and I decided I wanted to go to the hospital. I was scared bc I thought I was getting the urge to push through some of them (really it feels like you need to poop).

The ride to the hospital and walk through emergency to l&d was absolutely terrible. I really don't know how I did it. The contractions were very very painful and I had to moan and almost yell through them. They got me in a room and I got into the hospital gown by 11pm. At this point, I had decided on the epidural. I assumed that I'd go into the hospital and they tell me I was dilated to about a 4 and I knew I couldn't do this well into the next day. They checked me and I was actually a 6. I was almost to transition (7-10cm) and I was scared shitless bc I'd heard transition is the absolute hardest part and my pain was already at an 8 or 9. They got me checked in and started the IV fluids bc you need them to get the epi to keep your blood pressure stabilized. The nurse checked me before the anesthesiologist got in and I was an 8 already. She assured me that I could get the epi up until I was a 9 and that once I was in transition, the epi wouldn't stall my labor. I really wanted to avoid pitocin if possible. I was too scared that pit contractions would be too hard on Jillian. So far, she was doing great through the labor as far as her HR was.

The anesthesiologist came in and it took him three tries to place the epi. He kept getting blood vessels. The hardest part was staying completely still during contractions that were coming every 3 minutes or so. The only thing that kept me going was knowing I'd have some sort of relief if I stayed still and the nurse was freaking amazing and super supportive. After the epi was placed, I was a different person lol. I was smiling and laughing. I had absolutely no pain at first. The doctor came in because I told the nurse I had the urge to push when I was having contractions during the epi. My contractions almost stopped and the doctor was waiting around for what seemed forever to check me during a contraction. When I finally had another, I was a 10 and ready to push. I am not sure what time I started pushing, but Jillian arrived at 1:23am after me getting to the hospital at a 6 at 10:30. I progressed extremely fast. My contractions were spaced about 4-5min apart so I didn't push too frequently which was nice. I got to feel her head when she crowned and have immediate skin to skin.

Jillian Rose was born 03-13-13 at 1:23am weighing 7lb8oz and 19in long. She had a little trouble clearing her lungs and they had to suction them, but she didn't need to be taken from the room or anything. I wasn't able to breastfeed in recovery because of this, but it has been going great since.

This is getting very long and baby girl wants the boob so I think I will talk about our hospital stay in a part 2 of this post!