I really thought 2012 would be better. On December 28, I got another positive pregnancy test just two days after one of the greatest nights of my life (our wedding). I started off doubting that I would be able to have a baby in September. I think I was trying to protect myself with those thoughts. After we moved to CT a few days later, I started feeling hopeful. I let Keith touch my belly and I started fantasizing about the upcoming months. Then the tests never got darker. Then I got a negative test. Then I started bleeding. The day after I decided that I would allow myself to get excited and love my baby. If there's a god out there that really listens to people's thoughts and prayers, then fuck him for that.
I started the second day of the new year miscarrying my baby.
I have been grieving a bit differently this time. While I still have hurt and sadness, I mainly deal with anger/bitterness (if that's a word) and a lot of anxiety and questioning. I am scared to go through this again and again. I wanted a big family, but I don't know if I can do this 3-4 times.
I'm gonna update the look of this blog. I probably won't share it with anyone until we get far into a successful pregnancy though. I'm not sure I'm ready to let anyone in on my thoughts just yet, even strangers.
All I have to show for my second pregnancy
