9w0d

I started spotting brown Tuesday night. I flipped my shit and sobbed for a bit. The next day I was feeling slightly better about it. I called the doctors office and the nurse said pelvic rest, no exercise, and that it was probably just from the ultrasound and internal exam. But I continued to have it all the way until yesterday (Saturday). I was feeling pretty down about it too.

WELL, I haven't had any brown in my discharge or anything today AND I found the heartbeat on the Doppler tonight! AHHHHH!!!! It was only about 20-30 seconds at most, but I swear I got butterflies! Then, baby moved behind the sound of my heartbeat which was super loud. I am feeling so much more confident now after a rough week!

Anyways, not much else has happened this week since my butt has stayed planted on my couch since Tuesday :P

How far along?  9w0d
Symptoms? just fatigue and I had spotting this week. Tonight I am so gassy and it is SO loud (like in my stomach, not passing any gas). I'm glad I'm home tonight!
Total weight gain/loss?  Down around 6-7lb
Maternity clothes?  I bought some maternity pants yesterday! SO comfy!
Sleep?  I sleep as much as possible
Best moment last week? ultrasound of course!
Movement?  Not for a while, I'm sure.
Food cravings?  none this week
Gender? I'm thinking girl. We will likely find out at 16w again
Belly button in/out? In for a long time.
What I miss: an appetite
What I am looking forward to: My next ultrasound
Milestones: I've officially passed my loss milestone and I've confirmed baby is still kicking away in there since! Next would probably be 2nd tri!

8w1d

So I will get it right out and say that I had my first ultrasound today and there's a baby in there measuring right on track with FF (7w5d) with a HR of 154!

I have not had any symptoms since around my last post at 6w and some change. It had me TERRIFIED. I finally had some nausea Saturday evening and most of the day Sunday. This morning, I threw up in my sink after brushing my teeth. I had some pretty bad urges since I had woken up and I HAD to get the morning breath taste out of my mouth. What sucked the most was I had nothing in my stomach so only a little bile came up and it hurt like a bitch. My heart was pretty damn happy though.

I was a nervous wreck on the way to the appointment. We got there early and they got me back with the nurse within two minutes of sitting in the waiting room. I did sit there for quite a few minutes after I got naked while waiting for the doctor to do my physical exam and then the ultrasound. Once she got the u/s machine, she got right to it. I told her how nervous I was and I can totally tell how sensitive she was to that. She went to the baby right away and I didn't see anything moving and for a few seconds I thought there was no heartbeat. So she said immediately after that thought entered my mind that there was a heartbeat and she was able to zoom in a bit and I could see it beating away. She let us listen to it and I cried a little. It was soooo relieving. Everything looked normal and the baby was measuring a few days behind my LMP, but we are keeping the date the same for now since even those measurements can be a little off.

The best part was that, without me asking, she said she wanted to see me back in 2 weeks to check back in on baby to make sure things are still progressing. She said then she will relax a little. Seriously, she almost sold me on staying with her my whole pregnancy. I feel so incredibly comfortable with her and the care I'm receiving. I felt so at ease and so relieved. I am so happy that she was recommended to me. Now, I have to make the decision on whether I stay and give birth almost an hour away or go to the birth center. I've already decided that I will wait until after the first trimester to make that decision (and I will likely take the tour with the birth center). I'm just so damn happy with my care right now.

I don't have too much else to update. I haven't found baby on the Doppler yet, but I know it's still so early. I will continue trying. So far, I haven't let it worry me that I can't find it so I'm hoping I can continue to be responsible with it lol. My loss milestone based on measurements today, is Wednesday. I am still really nervous, but I'm certainly feeling more comfortable after having this ultrasound even though that wasn't necessarily a guarantee back with my first pregnancy (strong heartbeat at 7w5d and lost the baby at 8w0d). My mantra right now is basically something like my previous pregnancy does not dictate the outcome of this one. I am not doomed because it has happened before. It really is helping me for once to know the "odds."

I'll take a minute just to note how different and similar things are with Jill and this pregnancy with OWTs. I was a sick mess with Jill and only mild nausea occasionally now (although I threw up for the first time earlier this pregnancy) (nausea means girl). HR for Jill was in the 160s and this one 150s (low means girl). I don't remember what I got for Jill on the Chinese gender calendar, but this time I got girl on 3 different ones (I think two of them used my "lunar age" and one used both lunar age and "lunar month" and one used neither). With Jill, I ate all things sweet. This time, I'm really wanting the salty stuff (boy). Overall, I'm thinking it's a girl, but I really wouldn't be shocked if it was a boy. I know OWTs mean nothing and they have a 50/50 chance of being right, but it's still fun! I just have a girl feeling but it's really like a 60/40 feeling. We also supposedly conceived on O-3 which sways for girl according to the shettles method (apparently girl sperm survive longer or something like that)

How far along?  7w5d-8w1d
Symptoms? on and off nausea (more off)
Total weight gain/loss?  Down around 5lb
Maternity clothes?  After today, I'm feeling comfortable enough to make some purchases so I think I might go pick a few things up tomorrow.
Sleep?  I sleep as much as possible. This growing a baby thing is taxing! (also, who am I kidding? I fucking love sleep and I've always loved it!)
Best moment last week? Well, today was pretty fucking awesome!
Movement?  Not for a while, I'm sure.
Food cravings?  I've been wanting salty things like soy sauce-same but not as often
Gender? I'm thinking girl. We will likely find out at 16w again
Belly button in/out? In for a long time.
What I miss: Honestly? NADA
What I am looking forward to: My next ultrasound or finding the baby on the Doppler
Milestones: My next milestone will be Wednesday. I don't think I will find out for another week or more if baby makes it through

6w2d

I am a few days late (or maybe right on time.. we shall see when I get my u/s in 2 weeks. It's 3pm now so technically it is less than 2 weeks away (if only by a few hours). Man, this past week-week and a half has been a rollercoaster. Mainly downs, but a few bouts of hope. My symptoms are here and there. It was actually relieving to go back and read my blog from when I was pregnant with Jill. I guess I am mimicking my feelings and symptoms. Although I haven't had the gaggy/vommy morning sickness yet. I have had bouts of mild nausea in the evenings for I'd say about 3/4 of the nights since I came home from VA (right before 5w), but it has been fewer and far between the past 4-5 days which obv has me freaking out.

I'm having shitty insomnia even when I take unisom, and Jill has been getting up at the crack of dawn almost every day. I wish I could fall asleep earlier. Even when I don't get a nap all day, I still can't fall asleep until 11pm-1am. Last night was especially rough with Jill waking frequently and me having a hard time sleeping. I got tops 5 hours of sleep. And what am I doing now that Jill is napping? Blogging.. my mind has been going a mile a minute since the second I laid down to try to sleep. Oh well. It's just one day of sleep.

I've been having a lot of pulls and cramps today which is oddly reassuring. They aren't cramps like contractions where they come and go regularly so I'm guess that's why I feel good about them. I see it as my uterus is growing. I'm pretty sure I can feel it right behind my bone.

I'm just dying to bust out my doppler. I'm really hoping to find the hb early again like I did with Jill. I have quite a bit more weight on me now though so my expectations are a little lower. That's not going to stop me from trying probably mid-next week. I also know I'm likely a few days behind my LMP so I'm hoping I will be able to keep this all in mind when I'm searching.

I want to get out my feelings about this ultrasound coming up. I was all positive and happy from the time I found out I was pregnant until last Monday (5w1d). I went into my intake appt with the nurse (who was a snatch both times I've ever dealt with her.. her bedside manner can suck a d) feeling fine, and as soon as I walked to my car, I realized I had no milestones or appts or anything pregnancy-related between me and that dreaded ultrasound. It is scheduled for the 21st when I will be anywhere from 7w5d to 8w2d. With my first pregnancy, I had my first u/s and was measuring 7w5d with a healthy hb. I then lost the baby two days later and found out at 8w5d. This stupid ultrasound is smack in the middle of panic zone for me. Yet I cannot bring myself to call and reschedule it for the following week. I have this need to know if the baby is alive in there right now, but I am worried that seeing a baby measure less than 8w1d will give me no reassurance. I know that's stupid. I know that people have missed miscarriages up until even mid-second tri, but those dates are a trigger for me.

I plan on explaining it all to the doctor that day. I plan on telling her that I have a home doppler and how it helped me with my daughter. And I plan on asking her if at any point I have trouble finding the baby on the doppler after my u/s, if I could come in for reassurance. I don't care if I have to pay OOP for an ultrasound.

Every few days I've been POAS still. My stupid wondfos weren't getting any darker so I went out and bought more FRERs and they've brought me so much reassurance. Honestly, wondfos suck ass. They are not the same as they were with Jill. I will post my tests from Jill and my tests from this time. My FRERs have has the test line as dark or darker than the control line for over a week and a half. Wondfos? Yeah, last night was the first time I got a wondfo with equal shades for the test and control. With Jill, that happened at 17dpo. I even blogged about it. I am AT LEAST 26DPO (so 25DPO yesterday). FRER was equal at 15dpo (and was with Jill around the same time.. I only tested at 11 and 16DPO and it was equal for sure at 16DPO)

This pregnancy 6/23 is approx 10-11DPO

Jill's pregnancy

How far along?  6 weeks 2 days approx
Symptoms? extreme fatigue, mild nausea (some days), peeing a little more than normal (but I've been making an effort to drink more too)
Total weight gain/loss?  Down 2.2lb
Maternity clothes?  Not yet. I won't be holding out too long especially if I show early. No sense being uncomfortable!
Sleep?  I sleep as much as possible. This growing a baby thing is taxing!
Best moment last week? Meh
Movement?  Not for a while, I'm sure.
Food cravings?  I've been wanting salty things like soy sauce
Gender? No idea and no intuition this time!
Belly button in/out? In for a long time.
What I miss: Honestly? Not being such a wreck
What I am looking forward to: My ultrasound that is scheduled on July 21st!
Milestones: My next milestone will be to make it past my ultrasound

5w0d

So this is more just a formality.. :P Obv I'm not feeling very differently than I was a few days ago, but here's my 5w post for the sake of having a 5w post.

I'm tired. I don't remember being this tired with Jill. I have been taking naps any time I can. When Keith gets home from work in the morning until he goes to sleep for the day, when Jill takes her nap, and I dose off in the evening on the couch after Keith is awake. Then I'm tired enough to go to bed at a reasonable hour. It is going to be tough when Keith finishes this shift bc he will sleep when I do so I can't take as many naps lol. I've also had some mild nausea in the evenings. No gagging or vomiting yet thank goodness. I don't think I vom'd with Jill until 10w, but I know it didn't stop for 9 weeks. I'm certainly hoping to skip it all, but I'm already feeling nauseous so I doubt I will get to skip it. I didn't feel morning sickness with Jill until 6w on the nose.

I'm still feeling pretty hopeful. Much more so than I remember with any of my other pregnancies (except maybe my first). I am sure shit will change as my ultrasound approaches and the anxiety sky-rockets. I was a hot mess around 7-8w last time emotionally. Crying all of the time. Convinced my baby had passed and I just hadn't lost the pregnancy yet. I don't want to go to that place again. It's one of my darkest that I've ever been in. I'm tearing up just thinking about the shear sadness that I felt.

I don't have a bump and I won't be sharing one unless I get a cute one again lol. I've put on so much weight since having Jill that I don't really feel excited about showing my body from the side.. I mean I still look like I just had her yesterday with this weird saggy stomach I have.

My tests have gotten pretty dark. FRER is officially drawing dye from the control line, the weeks estimator says "2-3w" (it said 1-2w Tuesday morning FMU and 2-3w Friday morning FMU), wondfos don't seem to be as awesome as they were before. I've honestly only used them bc I have 40 or so of them. My wondfos are about as dark as they were at 12DPO with Jill, but my FRERs are as dark as they were at 17DPO (and that's the last day I tested with Jill on FRER). I trust the FRERs so much more anyways so I'm honestly not worried. Just disappointed bc I liked them so much last time.

How far along?  5 weeks 0 days approx
Symptoms? extreme fatigue, mild nausea, peeing a little more than normal (but I've been making an effort to drink more too)
Total weight gain/loss?  I don't want to share my weight, but I've got my base-line for the pregnancy
Maternity clothes?  Not yet. I won't be holding out too long especially if I show early. No sense being uncomfortable!
Stretch marks? Lol I'll be surprised if I can figure out which ones are old or new if I stay pregnant
Sleep?  I sleep as much as possible. This growing a baby thing is taxing!
Best moment last week? it's technically the same week as my last update so I can still use my positive test!
Movement?  Not for a while, I'm sure.
Food cravings?  I had to have pickles last night. Thank goodness I bought some for Jill the other day. Sorry, Jill!
Gender? No idea and no intuition this time! Crammy thinks girl and we're both wondering if this early nausea is a sign of that (;
Belly button in/out? In for a long time.
What I miss: Nothing. I'm like one second pregnant!
What I am looking forward to: My ultrasound that is scheduled on July 21st!
Milestones: My next milestone will be to make it past my ultrasound

I've been taking a B-complex vitamin that makes my urine neon so sorry about the super yellow tests.. Wondfos are hard to read but they are (top to bottom) 6/26 pm, 6/27 FMU, 6/28 pm. I can't put DPO bc I've got about a 5 day window so I don't know.

4w3d?

Here we go again. Pregnancy number 5. Seriously.. That seems ridiculous to me, but it is what it is.

So, HAIIIIIIIIIIIIIIII!!!!!!!!!
I'm actually feeling really good. My chart was all wonky and says I'm not that far along, but how would I get this beauty at 10dpo?! (Bottom test. Top is 11 DPO)

So I'm going by LMP until I have my dating ultrasound. Those lines alone put me past my two chemical pregnancies. I didn't have lines like that until mid-4 weeks with Jill so I am feeling on cloud 9! I am obviously still very skeptical and nervous since my first pregnancy went to 8w. At most I am 4w3d and at least I am 3w5d (what FF says I am).

I am seriously shocked. I left for Virginia to visit family thinking I hadn't even ovulated yet and I got crosshairs a few days later. Keith's schedule made sex before my trip difficult so I thought this cycle was wasted. I had a temp jump Monday morning and FF said I was 10dpo and I was drinking so the impatient tester in me went and bought the tests. I am pretty sure I literally said "no shit!" when I saw how quickly those lines popped up.

How far along?  4 weeks 3 days approx
Symptoms? (I added this bc I wish I had it last time) a little fatigued, frequent urination, and right this second I have heartburn! Damn that heartburn! I also had a sharp pain in my ute when getting up too quickly tonight. I'm thinking RLP early?
Total weight gain/loss?  I've been on vacation so I haven't weighed myself yet
Maternity clothes?  Not yet. I won't be holding out too long especially if I show early. No sense being uncomfortable!
Stretch marks? Lol I'll be surprised if I can figure out which ones are old or new if I stay pregnant
Sleep?  I'm pretty damn tired all day
Best moment last week? See picture above (;
Movement?  Not for a while, I'm sure.
Food cravings?  I haven't really had any cravings yet.
Gender? No idea and no intuition this time!
Belly button in/out? In for a long time.
What I miss: Nothing. I'm like one second pregnant!
What I am looking forward to: My ultrasound that is scheduled on July 21st!
Milestones: My next milestone will be to make it past my ultrasound.

Oh HAI again!

So I suck as a mommy blogger. I just don't know what to write about lol. I guess I can give a little update on us.

Jillian is 10.5 months now. Yeah.. Like 10 months 2 weeks and 3 days old. Holy shit. She is WALKING. She typically eats three solid meals a day and nurses before naps/bed and usually once in the night around 4-6am. She sleeps from about 7am til 4-6 and then back down until 7-8am. She talks all of the time but she still doesn't know any real words. She has 3 teeth. She got her first two the first week in Nov and she cut her first top tooth a few days ago. She has been sick twice in her lifetime. She had RSV in December and now she has a stomach bug that has been going around. She's a lot of fun. I can and do watch her play and explore all day long! I love being her mom so so much!

So much so that we decided to add another in the mix!
I am 4w2d with hopefully our second take home baby. I found out Saturday at 11DPO for sure. I had taken a test the night before bc we were having company over and I knew I'd have a few drinks. It was a stupid wondfo and it looked negative and was taking forever to develop so I left and went to enjoy my company. I didn't see the line until the next day so I took a FRER and it was positive! Cue: freak out. I ran to JoAnns and got an iron on transfer that says "I'm the big sister" to share with Keith. I will post all the pics and stuff another time bc they're on my phone.

No symptoms yet except heightened sense of smell. I thought my sore nipples were a pregnancy symptom but I've had them for almost two weeks so I think it was Jill's teething.

I'm pretty low on hope right about now. My tests aren't darkening up like Jill's did. I almost feel like I'm just waiting to start bleeding. I have had serious mood swings but not from happy to angry, but okay to weepy and depressed. I'm having a really hard time. I want this baby so badly. We have been NTNP (but really we've likely hit at least one day in the FW for the last 5 cycles). I had tested negative at 8 and 9DPO and I washed my diva cup and talked to Keith about probably TTA until after our vacation at the end of summer. I was surprised to see that line the morning of 11DPO. In hindsight, I should have known better bc my LP has been 8 days or shorter since I started OPKs back in Sept (didn't use them in Oct but did the other months).

There was a post on TB with some great mantras to inspire hope and positive thinking and I'm going to post them here for myself and for anyone that might be reading (likely no one since I haven't blogged since.. wow since August!)


Today I am pregnant and I love my baby

I am pregnant until someone tells me otherwise

My past does not dictate my future. A previous miscarriage does not mean I will have another miscarriage

Hope does not make bad things happen. You cannot jinx your pregnancy by getting excited or telling someone. Live in the positive.

There is nothing I can do to prevent a miscarriage from happening. Worrying myself sick will not prevent a miscarriage. And if it were to happen again, I know I will survive. 


The last one really speaks to me. I am crying now even thinking about it happening again, but I know I will survive. I hope things will be different now that I have Jill if something bad does happen. I can't be that person I was before I got pregnant with Jill and after my second miscarriage. I was obsessed. I was so incredibly enveloped in my own grief to care about myself or anyone/anything else. That's not an option this time. I have to be the best mother I can be for Jill. I cannot keep going to that dark place. That same place I am struggling so hard to stay out of even now with all of this unknown. Next time, I think I'm going to have Keith ration tests out to me when trying so I can test and get a positive and then leave it at that. I cannot help myself and I have already taken a million tests in the 5 whole days I've known I'm pregnant.

If this baby doesn't come home with me in October, I do not plan on trying again until I can find a doctor that will run tests on me to make sure my body is not causing these losses. I got some good recommendations for a doctor about 30min away that is supposedly really sympathetic to those with losses and is very understanding and helpful. I hope I get to see her for my early pregnancy though instead of for loss testing, but I'm thankful to have a lead on a good doctor either way. I was hoping to give birth in the birth center here, but if I cannot transfer a little later in my pregnancy, then I will just have another hospital birth. My birth with Jill wasn't bad at all so I'm okay with that. (The center only takes a small number of patients due around a certain time bc they have a limited amount of staff).

Anyways, Jill is fussing. Maybe I will start a pregnancy update thing like last time when I feel a little more confident. If I can make it until 6w, then I will feel a little better. I will also try to update with appt dates and any other news

22w1d

I have no idea where the last week went. I barely can comprehend that I'm 22 weeks right now.. I feel like I just wrote an update yesterday.

Honestly, I'm not even feeling pregnant lately except for this little person kicking me all day and it hurts to lay on my back. I have pretty much no symptoms (unless feeling like a bottom-less pit and wanting cookies and ice cream 24/7 are symptoms). It is so weird after being completely miserable for the first 4 months. I fully expected to continue to feel miserable until Jillian was on the outside. I am SO glad I feel normal (other than the weird twitching feeling my belly makes most of the day).

Movement has really increased in the last week. I also have a feeling Jillian is completely diagonal in there. I keep feeling her near my hips on one side and then to the left of my belly button by a few inches on the other. Maybe that's why my bump was big one day and then back to normal the next. I'm assuming she's a bit more stretched out and laying across my belly instead of head down and feet up like she was at my a/s.

I'm gonna (hopefully quickly) touch on my weird loss feelings. One of my good friends had her baby this week. I remember vividly when my husband told me she was pregnant. It wasn't terribly long after I miscarried for the second time. He walks in the door all cheery and looks at me and says, "So and so is.." and then makes a round belly gesture with his hand. I cried. I felt awful. I felt sad for me and I felt bad that I wasn't jumping for joy for her. I honestly felt really guilty.

I stopped talking to her and hanging out with her as much. It was really hard. I think at first she was very shocked. It hurt me that she got something I wanted so badly and she didn't seem to be totally thrilled about it (which was totally unfair since she could have been jumping for joy inside and I didn't know. She isn't the type to AW or brag about things). When we were with friends, everyone asked her a million questions and I just sat back trying to keep it cool. Then, after it sunk in maybe?, she started talking about the baby and seemed to be really excited. I was the bitter bitch that couldn't stand it either way.. I feel like I was acting pretty irrational. I wasn't even attempting to be happy for her. She really couldn't win.

I apologized to her. I think she could tell it was pretty awkward for me. We've been fine ever since. After I got over it, I felt comfortable talking to her about her pregnancy (and I honestly cared and wanted to know) and even shared some of my story with her. Whether she cared or not (although she's so sweet so I'm sure she didn't mind), I unloaded some things to her that I really hadn't shared out loud to a real person. It felt good.

Anyways, I got bit by the cousin of that jealousy bug again this week. I am jealous she's snuggling her little one (who is CRAZY adorable). This time it is SO different than hearing that she was knocked up. I am jealous that Jillian isn't here yet. I wasn't aching for my March 12 or September 12 baby. I ached to hold my little girl. I do feel guilty for feeling that way. I know there's no controlling my feelings and reactions, but it still feels wrong. It feels like I am satisfied with Jill (for lack of a better term). Like I said a few weeks ago, I don't wish those pregnancies had turned out differently any more. I don't think, "oh, I should be holding my 7 month old or my almost two month old." I think, "damn, I wish March was sooner so I can meet this little booger that keeps punching me!"

Maybe that's me moving forward a little more? Maybe this is how others feel when they finally get their rainbow. Maybe not. I'm just going to tell myself that there isn't a "right" way to feel about loss so I don't feel as bad about how happy I am. (and this totally turned into a long thing.. lol! Sorry to the 3 people that read my blog!)

I know everyone has probably heard enough, but I'm still worried (every day) and I'm still scared about Jillian's size. I have a feeling she was measuring a bit small at my anatomy scan, but I don't know how small is too small.. according to this fetus growth measurement calculator I found online, Jill was in the 10th percentile for size at the a/s.. kind of.. Okay it makes you put in even weeks (like 20, 21, 22 vs 21w2d). So, I had to round up two days because I was 19w5d and it only lets you put in 20 weeks. I don't know how much of a big deal 2 days is in ounces at that point.. In my March 13 fb group, Jill was measuring smaller than almost everyone that reported weight except those that were around 18 weeks. I know I need to drop it and trust that my doctor would say something if there was something up (especially since I told him I was concerned about my weight loss last week).

I am going home next week for two weeks, so my posts will be mobile and might suck. Also, Monday is my birthday!

This turned into a really long post.. Oops! I guess I had more to say than I thought

How far along? 22w1d!
Total weight gain/loss? Down 20lb and haven't started going in the other direction yet..
Maternity clothes? I mix my old clothes with maternity clothes
Stretch marks? No new ones
Sleep? I could sleep all day still.
Best moment last week? Feeling great
Movement? She's moving like crazy in there most days now
Food cravings? Sweets today. I really wanted some damn cookies!
Gender? GIRL!
Belly button in/out? In for a long time. It's stretching a bit though.
What I miss: Not really anything. I feel normal (except I can't drink.. bummer)
What I am looking forward to: going home to see my nephew!
Milestones: I'm really looking forward to viability day at 24 weeks

 

21w5d

Happy tears

This morning I woke up with so much anxiety. I have really struggled with this weight loss crap (which I'm sure you can tell if you've been following since the beginning of my pregnancy) and I had convinced myself I hurt my baby. I was crying and shaking with fear. I guess I've been waiting for the other shoe to drop. It's hard to believe that I'd be lucky enough to have a healthy take home baby in a few months. Keith wasn't able to go with me and my friend that I'd feel comfortable asking is out of town visiting her family.

I got to the doctor's office 30 freaking minutes early and sat in my car shaking trying to work up the courage to go in and look like a normal human being. I went in a little over 15 minutes early and they only had me wait in the waiting room for 3 minutes tops. They took me back way before my appointment time! I also didn't have to step on the scale before the appt which I'm sure would have made me worry even more. I laid right down and the tech got to work. She looked at the brain, measured the head, looked at the bladder and kidneys, measured my cervix, tooks pictures of the placenta (which she labeled as anterior). She went really in depth looking at the heart to make sure it had all four ventricles and connected properly to whatever it is supposed to connect to lol. She kept saying how beautiful the heart and ventricles were.

She asked me if I wanted to know the sex. I said, "yes" and I didn't tell her that I had an elective. I wanted an unbiased opinion. Jill showed us the three little lines! No penis in sight!

She measured 10 ounces which the tech said is great for how far along I am. I'm going to take her word for it because they consider me almost a week further along. She didn't tell me any length measurements, but I caught a glimpse on the screen and her leg measured 19w4d (I'm 19w5d today). That was enough to make me feel so incredibly relieved!

I was done with the scan 5 minutes after my original appointment time! I cried when I got to the car. I HAVE A HEALTHY BABY GIRL! The other shoe didn't drop yet. Everything is how it should be. I love my little leech. I'm so glad Jill took nutrients for herself before I got them lol. I didn't hurt my baby. My appetite is back and my nausea is minimal so if things continue to go this way, I should have a healthy and normal-sized little girl in a little over 4 months! Holy shit! I am on cloud nine!

her little foot!

October 15th

I knew I wanted to write something for my lost babies today because it is miscarriage, stillbirth, and infant loss Remembrance Day. Honestly, I'm at a loss for words so I'm just going to ramble for a bit.

I feel sad, conflicted, guilty, and a whole slew of emotions about today. I guess I'll address the conflicted and guilty first:
Today, I am pregnant and I am head over heels for a little girl that I wouldn't have the pleasure of calling my daughter if I hadn't lost my other two babies. I don't even know if there is an appropriate way to feel right now, but I feel like it is wrong to be thankful for something that tore out parts of my heart that I will never recover. I feel like it is wrong to grieve two babies that, if I had either one of, would negate the existence of something/someone that I love and cherish so much. I guess that's where my head is today. I feel sad AND thankful because I have Jillian today, but I don't have my March 12 or Sept 12 babies in my arms.

I am who I am today because of the losses of my babies. I'm quite a bit more guarded, a little stronger, more pessimistic, more appreciative, a little bit sadder, and a bit more mature. There isn't a day that passes that I don't think of those two babies. I guess I'm just at a point now where I can't wish them back anymore. I will never be able to fill the holes left by their losses, but I wouldn't trade Jillian for anything. I can't imagine my life without her in my future. I know that nothing is guaranteed and I worry about losing her as well every single day of this pregnancy, but even if I lost her, I wouldn't go back and wish this experience or her short existence away for one of my babies back.

I know this post is a bunch of rambling. I know pretty much no one reads my blog (which I'm totally fine with). I just wanted to get out these thoughts on the off chance that someone else feels alone because of such conflicting feelings during pregnancy after loss or even parenting after loss. I don't know if how I feel or what I wrote will even make sense to anyone else, but I hope that even if a reader cannot relate, that they know that it is okay to grieve in any way they can and want. Your feelings don't have to fit into a cookie cutter.

Anyways, enough of my rambling. I will be lighting a candle tonight for the lost babies. Check out october15th.com for the details

That sound (:

There's no real point to this post. I just listened to my little one on the Doppler. I don't think there's a more soothing or sweet sound for me. Baby was sooo loud tonight. I guess it is probably bc my uterus is moving up. I still find him/her very low near my hair line. I can't believe I'm so close to second tri! It has been a crazy ride so far emotionally for me. I guess now I'm on the incline on this ride. I'm feeling relatively hopeful. I know I'll never feel like my LO is safe. I know I probably won't let this totally sink in for at least a few more months, if I do at all. There's no doubt that I love this little brat, but I can't let my guard all of the way down just yet. I feel like it isn't fair to my little one, but I'm so jaded and just outright scared. I know things can happen with the drop of a hat with no forewarning.
I'm glad I have this blog and this outlet. I love Keith to death, but he is the eternal optimist. He has never entertained any of my crazy fears. He is totally supportive and loving and he has been my rock, but I hate being a downer and I never really let all of my feelings flow. Like this post, it started with me just wanting to talk about hearing my sweetheart just now, but it turned into a bit of a therapeutic little session :P anyways, I'm not even sure why I felt the need to write any of this tonight, but it feels good getting it out. Goodnight (;

12w3d

This will probably be short. Not much has been going on. The nausea has let up some and my appetite is growing. I am still vomiting regularly, but there is no nausea leading up to it. In Keith's opinion, now I just "prance" to the bathroom when I am about to throw up. There's really almost no warning now. Before, I had growing nausea until it was unbearable. Now, I just have the urge and I truck it to the nearest bathroom. It sucks, but at least I'm not miserable 24/7. I'm still feeling crappy, but I guess that's better than feeling like death.
I have my second regular OB visit Friday. It should be pretty uneventful.
Random number 2: Keith has noticed I haven't been a crazy PgAL lady lately. I guess there's something soothing about 12w (;
Last random: I went back and added produce pictures to all of my weekly updates :P


How far along? 12w3d!(by a few hours.. I'm blogging at 2am again :P)
Total weight gain/loss? Down to 124.0 so my weight loss hasn't stopped, but it has definitely slowed. Last week, I was 124.8 and I've fluctuated b/w that and 125 and some change.
Maternity clothes? I still don't wear any. Honestly, I mainly wear pjs bc they don't press on my stomach and I don't leave the house much for fear of upchucking in public.
Stretch marks? the boob stretch mark is still about the same size. I haven't grown anywhere else
Sleep? I could sleep all day still.
Best moment last week? Hitting 12w. I can't believe jessuhbean and I have made it this far!
Movement? Not for a while, I'm sure.
Food cravings? None, really. I could go for some Blimpies. Food isn't the easiest thing to down right now with this awesome gag reflex
Gender? I'm still leaning towards girl, but I'm not sure.. I'd say it is only about 60% girl feeling
Belly button in/out? In for a long time.
What I miss: Feeling like a human being
What I am looking forward to: Finding out if LO is a boy or girl!
Milestones: Only a week until 2nd Tri!

10w2d

I'll post a quick update on my phone. I cannot believe over one quarter of this pregnancy is over. Where has the time gone? In a few hours, I will have known I am pregnant for 7 fucking weeks... holy cow! That is almost has long as my first pregnancy! I hope it continues to fly by until I can feel baby move!

I'm back home visiting for my nephew's second birthday (: I love spending time with him! He's a ball of energy and fun!

I'm trying to post a pic of him in his Mickey chair/bed with his Spiderman car that Keith and I got him for his bday, but I think the app is going to put it at the bottom of the post :P

I was feeling really shitty last weekend and actually threw up for the first time last Sunday (9w1d). I was meh all week and then Thursday I wake up in Virginia with an appetite and feeling great! Other than exhaustion, I feel pretty normal. I freaked out a bit bc I didn't listen to LO on the Doppler for a day right when I started feeling better. Finally I bought some aloe gel and got batteries and the kid is still trucking away in there.

We announced on Facebook! It feels good to be "out." I freaked a little at first because last time baby stopped growing two days after we announced. It has been almost a week and I listened to baby tonight and recorded him/her and sent it to Keith since I'm still in va and he's home in CT.







How far along? 10w2d (by almost two hours.. I can't sleep so I'm posting at almost 2am)
Total weight gain/loss? Before I left, I was down 12lb, but my appetite is back so I'm not sure if I put any back on. My Dr wants me to put back all that I lost plus the standard 25lb
Maternity clothes? I wear my belly band with all of my clothes. Today I buttoned my jeans and felt fine though. I planned on buying some mat pants after a good u/s at 8w, but with the weight loss, I haven't had the urge to
Stretch marks? I have one forming on my boob.. fabulous.. I'm not even up a cup size yet
Sleep? I could sleep all day still.
Best moment last week? BR- hitting one quarter baked and hearing jessuhbean almost every night. NonBR- visiting family and friends back home
Movement? Not for a while, I'm sure.
Food cravings? None too strong. Bojangles, but it's safe to say I want that all of the time even when I'm not with child :P
Gender? I'm starting to question my girl intuition when I keep calling baby "he" and "him." I will look up elective u/s places when I get home so we can find out. We'll probably do that or do some private gender reveal in case Keith is underway for the a/s
Belly button in/out? In for a long time.
What I miss: I hate being the center of attention and questions. Other than that, I love being pregnant now that I'm feeling better!
What I am looking forward to: getting a little bump and finding out if LO is a boy or girl! I also have my NT scan this week on Friday!
Milestones: Getting the hell out of 1st tri! Less than a month away! One quarter baked this past Saturday!

7w

I didn't take a bump pic today and I'm not going to. I don't have the bloat bump anymore because I am finding it ridiculously hard to eat. I have lost 6lb this week and I basically feel like I have a hyperactive flu every day. It is so hard to work. Heck, it's hard to just lay on the couch without wanting to cry! I am so nauseous every day. Thinking about food makes me want to throw up. I have, thankfully, only thrown up once and it wasn't a big deal. I tried to eat a sandwich and couldn't get down the first bite, causing me to throw it back up and dry heave for a few minutes. I've started taking b6 and unisom (this is my second day) and I'm feeling mildly better. I ate some fried pickles and half of a piece of pizza tonight. I felt like shit afterwards, but at least I got something in here. One of my sweet friends sent me the most delicious brownies ever and that is the only thing I've been able to eat without gagging this whole week. I hope this b6/unisom combo helps. I have my doctor's appt with the nurse on Tuesday and I hope to get a prescription for zofran.

I thought about talking about my fears, but I'm not really in the mood right now to feel all of that shit. I've been trying to put it in the back of my mind, but it doesn't always work. Just a bit over a week until I reach the point where my first baby stopped growing. I'm scared.

How far along?  7 weeks even
Total weight gain/loss?  Lost 7 since the beginning. I started at 140 and I'm at 133 as of today.
Maternity clothes?  I wear my belly band with all of my clothes. With the nausea, I can't stand having pressure on my stomach. I usually wear pjs at home because they aren't as tight.
Stretch marks? None yet
Sleep? Still tired. Sometimes I find myself staying up late even if I was tired all day. Maybe that's the pregnancy insomnia I've heard of? It isn't so bad yet.
Best moment last week? I'm still pregnant.
Movement?  Not for a while, I'm sure.
Food cravings?  Thinking of food makes me feel all gaggy.
Gender? No idea but I have strong girl vibes. Everyone keeps saying boy
Belly button in/out? In for a long time.
What I miss: Food. Subs more specifically.
What I am looking forward to: Hearing the baby's heartbeat or my u/s.. whichever comes first!
Milestones: My next milestone will be to make it past 8w0d with a healthy and growing baby. I hope to be able to find the hb on the doppler around that time

6weeks!

I'll update tonight. Just wanted to add my super bloat and my nice boobs :P (well, the boobs are big for me!

Okay, I posted that before dinner. Now for my update:
Holy crap! How am I 6 weeks already? I hope the rest of my 1st tri flies by. I spent two hours online last night watching youtube videos on dopplers and reading threads and threads seeing how early people found their baby's heartbeat with the Sonoline B Fetal Doppler... I may have ordered one last night......... I'm hoping it takes about a week to get here and I can try it a little after 7weeks. I know it was stupid, but it'll be worth it if I can give myself just a little bit of reassurance. I am scared to death that my baby is going to stop growing in the next few weeks. I've been cruising along feeling fine up until the past two or so days. I have no idea how I'd get through something like that again. I want and love this baby so much. Okay, well I need to get out of my PgAL brain right now..
Symptoms are coming and going at this point. I had some killer nausea this morning at work. 6 weeks on the dot.. I've read a lot that it starts for a good chunk of ladies around 6-8 weeks. I hope it doesn't continue. I didn't even feel better when I ate delicious carbs. I only felt better after a long nap. The bloat hit me today too. I thought I wasn't going to be touched by the bloat fairy this time because so many others that are about as pregnant or less pregnant than me have already had crazy bloat according to them. Well, as you can see above, I am not skipping that symptom either :P To me, I legit look pregnant in person. My stomach is a bit past my boobs today. Maybe I just need to take a good poop! Other than fatigue, awful acne on my face, bloat, and that first wave of nausea, I have sore upper abs (weird this early??) and super dry skin. I'm loving it though (: I'm so happy to be here and pregnant. Today I am pregnant and I love my baby!

How far along?  6 weeks even
Total weight gain/loss?  Haven't checked lately
Maternity clothes?  I went and bought a belly band and two shirts for work. I'm not going to wear one of the shirts until we're out at work because another pregnant girl at work has it in another color so I don't want people to know I'm shopping at Motherhood Maternity yet!
Stretch marks? No new ones, but I've always had stretch marks. I'm sure I'll look like a tiger in March.
Sleep?  I am tired All.The.Time. I can take a long nap in the middle of the day and still fall asleep at 10pm and sleep through the night. I'm usually yawning around 10am or earlier. This hasn't let up at all.
Best moment last week? I'm still pregnant. My baby's heartbeat should be beating which means I'm past the point of having a Chemical Pregnancy (:
Movement?  Not for a while, I'm sure.
Food cravings?  Subway (I eat it every other day or so) and chocolate cake (I still haven't given into this)
Gender? No idea but I have strong girl vibes. Everyone keeps saying boy
Belly button in/out? In for a long time.
What I miss: Energy... although, I love the excuse to take naps and sleep in!
What I am looking forward to: Hearing the baby's heartbeat or my u/s.. whichever comes first!
Milestones: My next milestone will be to make it past 8w5d. I hope to be able to find the hb on the doppler around that time

4w4d

My fourth kind of blowed. Keith is being a huge baby. We seriously got in an argument about seeing fireworks because he's being a big baby about there not being any near us. We haven't gone to see the fireworks since we've been together.. IDK why he all of a sudden cares today. I swear.. he must be having sympathy pregnancy hormones and mood swings.

I am doing so well this pregnancy. I was so scared the last one. I never got attached. This one has felt different from day 1. I still get scared and have those moments of doubt, but I'd say I'm about 85% positive and only 15% freakout PgAL brain.

I found out that Keith is going to be underway for pretty much my whole pregnancy. I'm kind of scared shitless. What if something happens? I'm alone up here. Thankfully, when I found out last year, my grandma was able to take care of me. My mom and grandma were there while I cried and screamed in my bed. I can still see it and it still makes me cry to think about that day. I still vividly remember every moment from being on that ultrasound table to sitting with the nurse to trying so hard to drive myself home to screaming and crying to going in for surgery and waking up from the anesthesia to going to my grandma's and waiting for Keith to come home from sea so I could tell him the baby died and I just had it sucked out of me all while he was on a submarine thinking everything was a-okay. Oh my god.. what if I have to live with something like that for days or weeks? At least Keith came home the night after I found out and only 10 or so hours after my surgery.

On a lighter note, I called my sister and she said her and Coop would come live with me for a few weeks around my due date in case Keith is underway when I go into labor. I would love to have her by my side. I think she'd be the best labor coach and partner for the natural birth that I want. I think she'd be a great advocate for me and would help me stick to my guns. She's so strong and she's not one to waiver. I'd love having her help me learn how to be a mom for the first few days when family comes in. I know all of this is a long way off and I have plenty of time to let it all sink in and work out the details. Lets just hope that LO doesn't stray to far from his or her due date unless Keith is home :P

Totally unrelated: I'm reading a book called Divergent. I hope it turns out to be good. A lot of people compare it to The Hunger Games. So far, it's a pretty easy read.

Back to the baby talk: I'm going to share some of my crazykakes tests. At this point, I'm just wasting tests because I'm very confident that I don't have to worry about my tests fading out.

Yesterday at 17DPO. Today's test line is darker than the control

4w4d

A dear friend sent us this SOA onesie.. I'm dying at how adorable!

How far along?  4 weeks and 4 days
Total weight gain/loss?  Last I checked, I lost 3-4 pounds. Probably from the lack of booze
Maternity clothes?  Not yet. I haven't even felt bloated yet.
Stretch marks? No bloat or belly yet.
Sleep?  I am tired All.The.Time. I can take a long nap in the middle of the day and still fall asleep at 10pm and sleep through the night. I'm usually yawning around 10am
Best moment last week? The super super dark lines.
Movement?  Not for a while, I'm sure.
Food cravings?  I haven't really had any cravings yet.
Gender? No idea but I have strong girl vibes
Belly button in/out? In for a long time.
What I miss: Booze. I don't really miss anything too much.
What I am looking forward to: I don't know. I want first tri to hurry up, but I'm really enjoying being pregnant. I am so incredibly happy. I haven't made an appointment yet because I'm going to switch my insurance hopefully tomorrow (and I think it takes 10 days to switch over) so it'll be a while until I even have a date to count down to. I'm fine with that. I don't really want to see a doctor until 9 weeks or later anyways. I'd actually be okay not having an u/s until 20w. I'm thinking of buying a doppler towards the end of this month.
Milestones: I passed my latest loss's milestone. I lost my last at 4w2d. My next milestone will be to make it past 8w5d. I hope to be able to find the hb on the doppler around that time.