How I am doing.

I have been pushed to write a bit from a few awesome people (:
Since I've been working again, I have been feeling much better. I have something else that consumes so much of my life and time. I have had hard times in the past when I didn't have anything to do like a job. I get too much in my head when I am left alone to wallow in whatever sadness my mind can create. So, I am happy to report.. that I am happier! I still have those crazy times when I'm overcome with grief and I break down. I still think about my baby and losses daily. I just seem to be at one of those peaks (if you can call it that..) in this roller coaster of a journey.
Sometimes I wonder how much I really want to aggressively TTC (OPKs, temping, timing sex to the FW) because I am very nervous about being pregnant again. Mainly, I feel very positive about my next pregnancy. I will try my hardest to explain it.. My first miscarriage was awful. I had so much doubt in the beginning, and then I had that positivity after the hb and it all fell to shit. With my second mc, I expected a miscarriage from day one. I had less than 12 hours of feeling positive about it that I didn't even give myself the chance to fall in love with the baby. I feel like both were different and were hopefully caused by different things. I hope so much that they were awful bad luck instead of a problem that I may have.
I sometimes feel guilty that each loss is different to me (as in one is much more traumatic). I told my sister about getting the elephant tattoo with one elephant being larger than the other. I told her that it was because the bigger one would be the big brother or sister to the second, and her response was, "oh good! I thought you wanted one smaller bc one was more important than the other!" My heart twinged with extreme guilt. Even though that had nothing to do with my tattoo, I really DO feel like one is more of my baby than the other. I never connected or, sadly, really loved my second. I don't know if that is normal. I try to tell myself that grief has no normal. I don't know why my sister, who has not had a miscarriage, made me feel bad about my own hurt.
I am on cycle 10 now. I'm pretty scared for this month to not work. I have one of those "milestones" (for lack of a more appropriate word) that I never wanted to touch next month. My June cycle of last year led to my first BFP with my sweet lost LO. I never thought that I'd be approaching that right now, just like I never thought I'd pass my first EDD without being pregnant for quite a while. There's not much I can do besides have sex like rabbits. We have had excellent timing since our loss in January.. I hope it happens soon. There's a lot of pressure this month. I got my 2nd BFP 5 months after my first loss. This month marks 5 months since my last..
Shit, I should have a 2 month old baby or be 22 weeks with my second baby. At least time seems to be passing by quickly.

Tattoo

Something that I've wanted to do for a while now is get a new tattoo. It has been 2 years and some change since I got my last one. I've been waiting for an idea that means something to me. March 1st is our first baby's EDD and I think (if I'm not pregnant) that it'd be perfect to get a tattoo that day. I'm thinking somewhere on my back or rib cage on the left. I don't know if I want something to represent my baby or babies or if I want something to represent what I've been dealing with these past seven months. I feel very, very alone in my struggles and I think it'd be therapeutic to get one of these tattoos. I'm gonna post some pictures and ideas

This one means infinite love

 I already have a banksy tattoo on my back so I thought it'd be neat to add some of this other work. This would represent my struggles during this time

 Elephants represent a lot of things.. strength, family, etc. The most important thing to me is that elephants never forget

Our baby's EDD was in March. I've always used clovers and shamrocks to represent our baby because of St. Patrick's Day

 This is also banksy. I'm thinking of putting a clover in her hand and not having the balloon since I already have balloons

Another Banksy.

 I really like this one. I'd have two butterflies since we've had two losses. Butterflies are often used in miscarriage remembrance tattoos/jewelry/etc

I'd have two for each lost baby

This isn't Banksy but I really like it. I wouldn't get the color

 I like this one if it wasn't smiling and drawn a little neater. I think this one looks a bit sloppy but I like that it's holding the clover. I don't do color tattoos

Another Banksy. I'd go without the shopping cart :P

I would do a clover on one and IDK what I'd put in the other yet

 I would make an exception for my no color to get this. I'd get a clover instead of the hibiscus though

I like the simplicity of this one and I love the heart

I like that this one has a clover on it's back

This is a closer version of one I already put

Cheesy? Okay, I looove Harry Potter. Also, this is a bit symbolic for me. Expecto Patronum is the spell that gets rid of the dementors. I don't think I really need to explain how that can be symbolic

This is from Mary Tyler Moore. I just like it. It's pretty literal

Now I just don't know what I want.. I have so many options!