SEX SEX SEX HOPE HOPE HOPE SEX HOPE SEX OVULATION HOPE HOPE BFN BFN BFN
Come on cycle 11. I'm so over this. I'm having a pity me day today. 11 months and one day ago, I got my first BFP. A few days after that, I started this blog full of hope. The hope is in the shitter now.
Sorry for being a whiny Neg Nanc today.
Sunday, May 27, 2012
Thursday, May 10, 2012
How I am doing.
I have been pushed to write a bit from a few awesome people (:
Since I've been working again, I have been feeling much better. I have something else that consumes so much of my life and time. I have had hard times in the past when I didn't have anything to do like a job. I get too much in my head when I am left alone to wallow in whatever sadness my mind can create. So, I am happy to report.. that I am happier! I still have those crazy times when I'm overcome with grief and I break down. I still think about my baby and losses daily. I just seem to be at one of those peaks (if you can call it that..) in this roller coaster of a journey.
Sometimes I wonder how much I really want to aggressively TTC (OPKs, temping, timing sex to the FW) because I am very nervous about being pregnant again. Mainly, I feel very positive about my next pregnancy. I will try my hardest to explain it.. My first miscarriage was awful. I had so much doubt in the beginning, and then I had that positivity after the hb and it all fell to shit. With my second mc, I expected a miscarriage from day one. I had less than 12 hours of feeling positive about it that I didn't even give myself the chance to fall in love with the baby. I feel like both were different and were hopefully caused by different things. I hope so much that they were awful bad luck instead of a problem that I may have.
I sometimes feel guilty that each loss is different to me (as in one is much more traumatic). I told my sister about getting the elephant tattoo with one elephant being larger than the other. I told her that it was because the bigger one would be the big brother or sister to the second, and her response was, "oh good! I thought you wanted one smaller bc one was more important than the other!" My heart twinged with extreme guilt. Even though that had nothing to do with my tattoo, I really DO feel like one is more of my baby than the other. I never connected or, sadly, really loved my second. I don't know if that is normal. I try to tell myself that grief has no normal. I don't know why my sister, who has not had a miscarriage, made me feel bad about my own hurt.
I am on cycle 10 now. I'm pretty scared for this month to not work. I have one of those "milestones" (for lack of a more appropriate word) that I never wanted to touch next month. My June cycle of last year led to my first BFP with my sweet lost LO. I never thought that I'd be approaching that right now, just like I never thought I'd pass my first EDD without being pregnant for quite a while. There's not much I can do besides have sex like rabbits. We have had excellent timing since our loss in January.. I hope it happens soon. There's a lot of pressure this month. I got my 2nd BFP 5 months after my first loss. This month marks 5 months since my last..
Shit, I should have a 2 month old baby or be 22 weeks with my second baby. At least time seems to be passing by quickly.
Since I've been working again, I have been feeling much better. I have something else that consumes so much of my life and time. I have had hard times in the past when I didn't have anything to do like a job. I get too much in my head when I am left alone to wallow in whatever sadness my mind can create. So, I am happy to report.. that I am happier! I still have those crazy times when I'm overcome with grief and I break down. I still think about my baby and losses daily. I just seem to be at one of those peaks (if you can call it that..) in this roller coaster of a journey.
Sometimes I wonder how much I really want to aggressively TTC (OPKs, temping, timing sex to the FW) because I am very nervous about being pregnant again. Mainly, I feel very positive about my next pregnancy. I will try my hardest to explain it.. My first miscarriage was awful. I had so much doubt in the beginning, and then I had that positivity after the hb and it all fell to shit. With my second mc, I expected a miscarriage from day one. I had less than 12 hours of feeling positive about it that I didn't even give myself the chance to fall in love with the baby. I feel like both were different and were hopefully caused by different things. I hope so much that they were awful bad luck instead of a problem that I may have.
I sometimes feel guilty that each loss is different to me (as in one is much more traumatic). I told my sister about getting the elephant tattoo with one elephant being larger than the other. I told her that it was because the bigger one would be the big brother or sister to the second, and her response was, "oh good! I thought you wanted one smaller bc one was more important than the other!" My heart twinged with extreme guilt. Even though that had nothing to do with my tattoo, I really DO feel like one is more of my baby than the other. I never connected or, sadly, really loved my second. I don't know if that is normal. I try to tell myself that grief has no normal. I don't know why my sister, who has not had a miscarriage, made me feel bad about my own hurt.
I am on cycle 10 now. I'm pretty scared for this month to not work. I have one of those "milestones" (for lack of a more appropriate word) that I never wanted to touch next month. My June cycle of last year led to my first BFP with my sweet lost LO. I never thought that I'd be approaching that right now, just like I never thought I'd pass my first EDD without being pregnant for quite a while. There's not much I can do besides have sex like rabbits. We have had excellent timing since our loss in January.. I hope it happens soon. There's a lot of pressure this month. I got my 2nd BFP 5 months after my first loss. This month marks 5 months since my last..
Shit, I should have a 2 month old baby or be 22 weeks with my second baby. At least time seems to be passing by quickly.
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