Friday, January 31, 2014
Punch in the gut
Well that post yesterday was pointless. I started cramping and bleeding last night ): ugh
Thursday, January 30, 2014
Oh HAI again!
So I suck as a mommy blogger. I just don't know what to write about lol. I guess I can give a little update on us.
Jillian is 10.5 months now. Yeah.. Like 10 months 2 weeks and 3 days old. Holy shit. She is WALKING. She typically eats three solid meals a day and nurses before naps/bed and usually once in the night around 4-6am. She sleeps from about 7am til 4-6 and then back down until 7-8am. She talks all of the time but she still doesn't know any real words. She has 3 teeth. She got her first two the first week in Nov and she cut her first top tooth a few days ago. She has been sick twice in her lifetime. She had RSV in December and now she has a stomach bug that has been going around. She's a lot of fun. I can and do watch her play and explore all day long! I love being her mom so so much!
So much so that we decided to add another in the mix!
I am 4w2d with hopefully our second take home baby. I found out Saturday at 11DPO for sure. I had taken a test the night before bc we were having company over and I knew I'd have a few drinks. It was a stupid wondfo and it looked negative and was taking forever to develop so I left and went to enjoy my company. I didn't see the line until the next day so I took a FRER and it was positive! Cue: freak out. I ran to JoAnns and got an iron on transfer that says "I'm the big sister" to share with Keith. I will post all the pics and stuff another time bc they're on my phone.
No symptoms yet except heightened sense of smell. I thought my sore nipples were a pregnancy symptom but I've had them for almost two weeks so I think it was Jill's teething.
I'm pretty low on hope right about now. My tests aren't darkening up like Jill's did. I almost feel like I'm just waiting to start bleeding. I have had serious mood swings but not from happy to angry, but okay to weepy and depressed. I'm having a really hard time. I want this baby so badly. We have been NTNP (but really we've likely hit at least one day in the FW for the last 5 cycles). I had tested negative at 8 and 9DPO and I washed my diva cup and talked to Keith about probably TTA until after our vacation at the end of summer. I was surprised to see that line the morning of 11DPO. In hindsight, I should have known better bc my LP has been 8 days or shorter since I started OPKs back in Sept (didn't use them in Oct but did the other months).
There was a post on TB with some great mantras to inspire hope and positive thinking and I'm going to post them here for myself and for anyone that might be reading (likely no one since I haven't blogged since.. wow since August!)
Today I am pregnant and I love my baby
I am pregnant until someone tells me otherwise
My past does not dictate my future. A previous miscarriage does not mean I will have another miscarriage
Hope does not make bad things happen. You cannot jinx your pregnancy by getting excited or telling someone. Live in the positive.
There is nothing I can do to prevent a miscarriage from happening. Worrying myself sick will not prevent a miscarriage. And if it were to happen again, I know I will survive.
The last one really speaks to me. I am crying now even thinking about it happening again, but I know I will survive. I hope things will be different now that I have Jill if something bad does happen. I can't be that person I was before I got pregnant with Jill and after my second miscarriage. I was obsessed. I was so incredibly enveloped in my own grief to care about myself or anyone/anything else. That's not an option this time. I have to be the best mother I can be for Jill. I cannot keep going to that dark place. That same place I am struggling so hard to stay out of even now with all of this unknown. Next time, I think I'm going to have Keith ration tests out to me when trying so I can test and get a positive and then leave it at that. I cannot help myself and I have already taken a million tests in the 5 whole days I've known I'm pregnant.
If this baby doesn't come home with me in October, I do not plan on trying again until I can find a doctor that will run tests on me to make sure my body is not causing these losses. I got some good recommendations for a doctor about 30min away that is supposedly really sympathetic to those with losses and is very understanding and helpful. I hope I get to see her for my early pregnancy though instead of for loss testing, but I'm thankful to have a lead on a good doctor either way. I was hoping to give birth in the birth center here, but if I cannot transfer a little later in my pregnancy, then I will just have another hospital birth. My birth with Jill wasn't bad at all so I'm okay with that. (The center only takes a small number of patients due around a certain time bc they have a limited amount of staff).
Anyways, Jill is fussing. Maybe I will start a pregnancy update thing like last time when I feel a little more confident. If I can make it until 6w, then I will feel a little better. I will also try to update with appt dates and any other news
Jillian is 10.5 months now. Yeah.. Like 10 months 2 weeks and 3 days old. Holy shit. She is WALKING. She typically eats three solid meals a day and nurses before naps/bed and usually once in the night around 4-6am. She sleeps from about 7am til 4-6 and then back down until 7-8am. She talks all of the time but she still doesn't know any real words. She has 3 teeth. She got her first two the first week in Nov and she cut her first top tooth a few days ago. She has been sick twice in her lifetime. She had RSV in December and now she has a stomach bug that has been going around. She's a lot of fun. I can and do watch her play and explore all day long! I love being her mom so so much!
So much so that we decided to add another in the mix!
I am 4w2d with hopefully our second take home baby. I found out Saturday at 11DPO for sure. I had taken a test the night before bc we were having company over and I knew I'd have a few drinks. It was a stupid wondfo and it looked negative and was taking forever to develop so I left and went to enjoy my company. I didn't see the line until the next day so I took a FRER and it was positive! Cue: freak out. I ran to JoAnns and got an iron on transfer that says "I'm the big sister" to share with Keith. I will post all the pics and stuff another time bc they're on my phone.
No symptoms yet except heightened sense of smell. I thought my sore nipples were a pregnancy symptom but I've had them for almost two weeks so I think it was Jill's teething.
I'm pretty low on hope right about now. My tests aren't darkening up like Jill's did. I almost feel like I'm just waiting to start bleeding. I have had serious mood swings but not from happy to angry, but okay to weepy and depressed. I'm having a really hard time. I want this baby so badly. We have been NTNP (but really we've likely hit at least one day in the FW for the last 5 cycles). I had tested negative at 8 and 9DPO and I washed my diva cup and talked to Keith about probably TTA until after our vacation at the end of summer. I was surprised to see that line the morning of 11DPO. In hindsight, I should have known better bc my LP has been 8 days or shorter since I started OPKs back in Sept (didn't use them in Oct but did the other months).
There was a post on TB with some great mantras to inspire hope and positive thinking and I'm going to post them here for myself and for anyone that might be reading (likely no one since I haven't blogged since.. wow since August!)
Today I am pregnant and I love my baby
I am pregnant until someone tells me otherwise
My past does not dictate my future. A previous miscarriage does not mean I will have another miscarriage
Hope does not make bad things happen. You cannot jinx your pregnancy by getting excited or telling someone. Live in the positive.
There is nothing I can do to prevent a miscarriage from happening. Worrying myself sick will not prevent a miscarriage. And if it were to happen again, I know I will survive.
The last one really speaks to me. I am crying now even thinking about it happening again, but I know I will survive. I hope things will be different now that I have Jill if something bad does happen. I can't be that person I was before I got pregnant with Jill and after my second miscarriage. I was obsessed. I was so incredibly enveloped in my own grief to care about myself or anyone/anything else. That's not an option this time. I have to be the best mother I can be for Jill. I cannot keep going to that dark place. That same place I am struggling so hard to stay out of even now with all of this unknown. Next time, I think I'm going to have Keith ration tests out to me when trying so I can test and get a positive and then leave it at that. I cannot help myself and I have already taken a million tests in the 5 whole days I've known I'm pregnant.
If this baby doesn't come home with me in October, I do not plan on trying again until I can find a doctor that will run tests on me to make sure my body is not causing these losses. I got some good recommendations for a doctor about 30min away that is supposedly really sympathetic to those with losses and is very understanding and helpful. I hope I get to see her for my early pregnancy though instead of for loss testing, but I'm thankful to have a lead on a good doctor either way. I was hoping to give birth in the birth center here, but if I cannot transfer a little later in my pregnancy, then I will just have another hospital birth. My birth with Jill wasn't bad at all so I'm okay with that. (The center only takes a small number of patients due around a certain time bc they have a limited amount of staff).
Anyways, Jill is fussing. Maybe I will start a pregnancy update thing like last time when I feel a little more confident. If I can make it until 6w, then I will feel a little better. I will also try to update with appt dates and any other news
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