9w0d

I started spotting brown Tuesday night. I flipped my shit and sobbed for a bit. The next day I was feeling slightly better about it. I called the doctors office and the nurse said pelvic rest, no exercise, and that it was probably just from the ultrasound and internal exam. But I continued to have it all the way until yesterday (Saturday). I was feeling pretty down about it too.

WELL, I haven't had any brown in my discharge or anything today AND I found the heartbeat on the Doppler tonight! AHHHHH!!!! It was only about 20-30 seconds at most, but I swear I got butterflies! Then, baby moved behind the sound of my heartbeat which was super loud. I am feeling so much more confident now after a rough week!

Anyways, not much else has happened this week since my butt has stayed planted on my couch since Tuesday :P

How far along?  9w0d
Symptoms? just fatigue and I had spotting this week. Tonight I am so gassy and it is SO loud (like in my stomach, not passing any gas). I'm glad I'm home tonight!
Total weight gain/loss?  Down around 6-7lb
Maternity clothes?  I bought some maternity pants yesterday! SO comfy!
Sleep?  I sleep as much as possible
Best moment last week? ultrasound of course!
Movement?  Not for a while, I'm sure.
Food cravings?  none this week
Gender? I'm thinking girl. We will likely find out at 16w again
Belly button in/out? In for a long time.
What I miss: an appetite
What I am looking forward to: My next ultrasound
Milestones: I've officially passed my loss milestone and I've confirmed baby is still kicking away in there since! Next would probably be 2nd tri!

8w1d

So I will get it right out and say that I had my first ultrasound today and there's a baby in there measuring right on track with FF (7w5d) with a HR of 154!

I have not had any symptoms since around my last post at 6w and some change. It had me TERRIFIED. I finally had some nausea Saturday evening and most of the day Sunday. This morning, I threw up in my sink after brushing my teeth. I had some pretty bad urges since I had woken up and I HAD to get the morning breath taste out of my mouth. What sucked the most was I had nothing in my stomach so only a little bile came up and it hurt like a bitch. My heart was pretty damn happy though.

I was a nervous wreck on the way to the appointment. We got there early and they got me back with the nurse within two minutes of sitting in the waiting room. I did sit there for quite a few minutes after I got naked while waiting for the doctor to do my physical exam and then the ultrasound. Once she got the u/s machine, she got right to it. I told her how nervous I was and I can totally tell how sensitive she was to that. She went to the baby right away and I didn't see anything moving and for a few seconds I thought there was no heartbeat. So she said immediately after that thought entered my mind that there was a heartbeat and she was able to zoom in a bit and I could see it beating away. She let us listen to it and I cried a little. It was soooo relieving. Everything looked normal and the baby was measuring a few days behind my LMP, but we are keeping the date the same for now since even those measurements can be a little off.

The best part was that, without me asking, she said she wanted to see me back in 2 weeks to check back in on baby to make sure things are still progressing. She said then she will relax a little. Seriously, she almost sold me on staying with her my whole pregnancy. I feel so incredibly comfortable with her and the care I'm receiving. I felt so at ease and so relieved. I am so happy that she was recommended to me. Now, I have to make the decision on whether I stay and give birth almost an hour away or go to the birth center. I've already decided that I will wait until after the first trimester to make that decision (and I will likely take the tour with the birth center). I'm just so damn happy with my care right now.

I don't have too much else to update. I haven't found baby on the Doppler yet, but I know it's still so early. I will continue trying. So far, I haven't let it worry me that I can't find it so I'm hoping I can continue to be responsible with it lol. My loss milestone based on measurements today, is Wednesday. I am still really nervous, but I'm certainly feeling more comfortable after having this ultrasound even though that wasn't necessarily a guarantee back with my first pregnancy (strong heartbeat at 7w5d and lost the baby at 8w0d). My mantra right now is basically something like my previous pregnancy does not dictate the outcome of this one. I am not doomed because it has happened before. It really is helping me for once to know the "odds."

I'll take a minute just to note how different and similar things are with Jill and this pregnancy with OWTs. I was a sick mess with Jill and only mild nausea occasionally now (although I threw up for the first time earlier this pregnancy) (nausea means girl). HR for Jill was in the 160s and this one 150s (low means girl). I don't remember what I got for Jill on the Chinese gender calendar, but this time I got girl on 3 different ones (I think two of them used my "lunar age" and one used both lunar age and "lunar month" and one used neither). With Jill, I ate all things sweet. This time, I'm really wanting the salty stuff (boy). Overall, I'm thinking it's a girl, but I really wouldn't be shocked if it was a boy. I know OWTs mean nothing and they have a 50/50 chance of being right, but it's still fun! I just have a girl feeling but it's really like a 60/40 feeling. We also supposedly conceived on O-3 which sways for girl according to the shettles method (apparently girl sperm survive longer or something like that)

How far along?  7w5d-8w1d
Symptoms? on and off nausea (more off)
Total weight gain/loss?  Down around 5lb
Maternity clothes?  After today, I'm feeling comfortable enough to make some purchases so I think I might go pick a few things up tomorrow.
Sleep?  I sleep as much as possible. This growing a baby thing is taxing! (also, who am I kidding? I fucking love sleep and I've always loved it!)
Best moment last week? Well, today was pretty fucking awesome!
Movement?  Not for a while, I'm sure.
Food cravings?  I've been wanting salty things like soy sauce-same but not as often
Gender? I'm thinking girl. We will likely find out at 16w again
Belly button in/out? In for a long time.
What I miss: Honestly? NADA
What I am looking forward to: My next ultrasound or finding the baby on the Doppler
Milestones: My next milestone will be Wednesday. I don't think I will find out for another week or more if baby makes it through

6w2d

I am a few days late (or maybe right on time.. we shall see when I get my u/s in 2 weeks. It's 3pm now so technically it is less than 2 weeks away (if only by a few hours). Man, this past week-week and a half has been a rollercoaster. Mainly downs, but a few bouts of hope. My symptoms are here and there. It was actually relieving to go back and read my blog from when I was pregnant with Jill. I guess I am mimicking my feelings and symptoms. Although I haven't had the gaggy/vommy morning sickness yet. I have had bouts of mild nausea in the evenings for I'd say about 3/4 of the nights since I came home from VA (right before 5w), but it has been fewer and far between the past 4-5 days which obv has me freaking out.

I'm having shitty insomnia even when I take unisom, and Jill has been getting up at the crack of dawn almost every day. I wish I could fall asleep earlier. Even when I don't get a nap all day, I still can't fall asleep until 11pm-1am. Last night was especially rough with Jill waking frequently and me having a hard time sleeping. I got tops 5 hours of sleep. And what am I doing now that Jill is napping? Blogging.. my mind has been going a mile a minute since the second I laid down to try to sleep. Oh well. It's just one day of sleep.

I've been having a lot of pulls and cramps today which is oddly reassuring. They aren't cramps like contractions where they come and go regularly so I'm guess that's why I feel good about them. I see it as my uterus is growing. I'm pretty sure I can feel it right behind my bone.

I'm just dying to bust out my doppler. I'm really hoping to find the hb early again like I did with Jill. I have quite a bit more weight on me now though so my expectations are a little lower. That's not going to stop me from trying probably mid-next week. I also know I'm likely a few days behind my LMP so I'm hoping I will be able to keep this all in mind when I'm searching.

I want to get out my feelings about this ultrasound coming up. I was all positive and happy from the time I found out I was pregnant until last Monday (5w1d). I went into my intake appt with the nurse (who was a snatch both times I've ever dealt with her.. her bedside manner can suck a d) feeling fine, and as soon as I walked to my car, I realized I had no milestones or appts or anything pregnancy-related between me and that dreaded ultrasound. It is scheduled for the 21st when I will be anywhere from 7w5d to 8w2d. With my first pregnancy, I had my first u/s and was measuring 7w5d with a healthy hb. I then lost the baby two days later and found out at 8w5d. This stupid ultrasound is smack in the middle of panic zone for me. Yet I cannot bring myself to call and reschedule it for the following week. I have this need to know if the baby is alive in there right now, but I am worried that seeing a baby measure less than 8w1d will give me no reassurance. I know that's stupid. I know that people have missed miscarriages up until even mid-second tri, but those dates are a trigger for me.

I plan on explaining it all to the doctor that day. I plan on telling her that I have a home doppler and how it helped me with my daughter. And I plan on asking her if at any point I have trouble finding the baby on the doppler after my u/s, if I could come in for reassurance. I don't care if I have to pay OOP for an ultrasound.

Every few days I've been POAS still. My stupid wondfos weren't getting any darker so I went out and bought more FRERs and they've brought me so much reassurance. Honestly, wondfos suck ass. They are not the same as they were with Jill. I will post my tests from Jill and my tests from this time. My FRERs have has the test line as dark or darker than the control line for over a week and a half. Wondfos? Yeah, last night was the first time I got a wondfo with equal shades for the test and control. With Jill, that happened at 17dpo. I even blogged about it. I am AT LEAST 26DPO (so 25DPO yesterday). FRER was equal at 15dpo (and was with Jill around the same time.. I only tested at 11 and 16DPO and it was equal for sure at 16DPO)

This pregnancy 6/23 is approx 10-11DPO

Jill's pregnancy

How far along?  6 weeks 2 days approx
Symptoms? extreme fatigue, mild nausea (some days), peeing a little more than normal (but I've been making an effort to drink more too)
Total weight gain/loss?  Down 2.2lb
Maternity clothes?  Not yet. I won't be holding out too long especially if I show early. No sense being uncomfortable!
Sleep?  I sleep as much as possible. This growing a baby thing is taxing!
Best moment last week? Meh
Movement?  Not for a while, I'm sure.
Food cravings?  I've been wanting salty things like soy sauce
Gender? No idea and no intuition this time!
Belly button in/out? In for a long time.
What I miss: Honestly? Not being such a wreck
What I am looking forward to: My ultrasound that is scheduled on July 21st!
Milestones: My next milestone will be to make it past my ultrasound

5w0d

So this is more just a formality.. :P Obv I'm not feeling very differently than I was a few days ago, but here's my 5w post for the sake of having a 5w post.

I'm tired. I don't remember being this tired with Jill. I have been taking naps any time I can. When Keith gets home from work in the morning until he goes to sleep for the day, when Jill takes her nap, and I dose off in the evening on the couch after Keith is awake. Then I'm tired enough to go to bed at a reasonable hour. It is going to be tough when Keith finishes this shift bc he will sleep when I do so I can't take as many naps lol. I've also had some mild nausea in the evenings. No gagging or vomiting yet thank goodness. I don't think I vom'd with Jill until 10w, but I know it didn't stop for 9 weeks. I'm certainly hoping to skip it all, but I'm already feeling nauseous so I doubt I will get to skip it. I didn't feel morning sickness with Jill until 6w on the nose.

I'm still feeling pretty hopeful. Much more so than I remember with any of my other pregnancies (except maybe my first). I am sure shit will change as my ultrasound approaches and the anxiety sky-rockets. I was a hot mess around 7-8w last time emotionally. Crying all of the time. Convinced my baby had passed and I just hadn't lost the pregnancy yet. I don't want to go to that place again. It's one of my darkest that I've ever been in. I'm tearing up just thinking about the shear sadness that I felt.

I don't have a bump and I won't be sharing one unless I get a cute one again lol. I've put on so much weight since having Jill that I don't really feel excited about showing my body from the side.. I mean I still look like I just had her yesterday with this weird saggy stomach I have.

My tests have gotten pretty dark. FRER is officially drawing dye from the control line, the weeks estimator says "2-3w" (it said 1-2w Tuesday morning FMU and 2-3w Friday morning FMU), wondfos don't seem to be as awesome as they were before. I've honestly only used them bc I have 40 or so of them. My wondfos are about as dark as they were at 12DPO with Jill, but my FRERs are as dark as they were at 17DPO (and that's the last day I tested with Jill on FRER). I trust the FRERs so much more anyways so I'm honestly not worried. Just disappointed bc I liked them so much last time.

How far along?  5 weeks 0 days approx
Symptoms? extreme fatigue, mild nausea, peeing a little more than normal (but I've been making an effort to drink more too)
Total weight gain/loss?  I don't want to share my weight, but I've got my base-line for the pregnancy
Maternity clothes?  Not yet. I won't be holding out too long especially if I show early. No sense being uncomfortable!
Stretch marks? Lol I'll be surprised if I can figure out which ones are old or new if I stay pregnant
Sleep?  I sleep as much as possible. This growing a baby thing is taxing!
Best moment last week? it's technically the same week as my last update so I can still use my positive test!
Movement?  Not for a while, I'm sure.
Food cravings?  I had to have pickles last night. Thank goodness I bought some for Jill the other day. Sorry, Jill!
Gender? No idea and no intuition this time! Crammy thinks girl and we're both wondering if this early nausea is a sign of that (;
Belly button in/out? In for a long time.
What I miss: Nothing. I'm like one second pregnant!
What I am looking forward to: My ultrasound that is scheduled on July 21st!
Milestones: My next milestone will be to make it past my ultrasound

I've been taking a B-complex vitamin that makes my urine neon so sorry about the super yellow tests.. Wondfos are hard to read but they are (top to bottom) 6/26 pm, 6/27 FMU, 6/28 pm. I can't put DPO bc I've got about a 5 day window so I don't know.

4w3d?

Here we go again. Pregnancy number 5. Seriously.. That seems ridiculous to me, but it is what it is.

So, HAIIIIIIIIIIIIIIII!!!!!!!!!
I'm actually feeling really good. My chart was all wonky and says I'm not that far along, but how would I get this beauty at 10dpo?! (Bottom test. Top is 11 DPO)

So I'm going by LMP until I have my dating ultrasound. Those lines alone put me past my two chemical pregnancies. I didn't have lines like that until mid-4 weeks with Jill so I am feeling on cloud 9! I am obviously still very skeptical and nervous since my first pregnancy went to 8w. At most I am 4w3d and at least I am 3w5d (what FF says I am).

I am seriously shocked. I left for Virginia to visit family thinking I hadn't even ovulated yet and I got crosshairs a few days later. Keith's schedule made sex before my trip difficult so I thought this cycle was wasted. I had a temp jump Monday morning and FF said I was 10dpo and I was drinking so the impatient tester in me went and bought the tests. I am pretty sure I literally said "no shit!" when I saw how quickly those lines popped up.

How far along?  4 weeks 3 days approx
Symptoms? (I added this bc I wish I had it last time) a little fatigued, frequent urination, and right this second I have heartburn! Damn that heartburn! I also had a sharp pain in my ute when getting up too quickly tonight. I'm thinking RLP early?
Total weight gain/loss?  I've been on vacation so I haven't weighed myself yet
Maternity clothes?  Not yet. I won't be holding out too long especially if I show early. No sense being uncomfortable!
Stretch marks? Lol I'll be surprised if I can figure out which ones are old or new if I stay pregnant
Sleep?  I'm pretty damn tired all day
Best moment last week? See picture above (;
Movement?  Not for a while, I'm sure.
Food cravings?  I haven't really had any cravings yet.
Gender? No idea and no intuition this time!
Belly button in/out? In for a long time.
What I miss: Nothing. I'm like one second pregnant!
What I am looking forward to: My ultrasound that is scheduled on July 21st!
Milestones: My next milestone will be to make it past my ultrasound.

Idk

I've been really good about knowing that pregnancies don't end in babies

I've been really good about knowing I have an amazing daughter already and some don't have that

I've been really good about knowing things could be worse

I've been really good about acting normal

I've been really good acting like I shouldn't be pregnant right now

But

But I still feel hurt. I still want Jill to have a sibling in a few months. I still know I would know if I was having a boy or girl now. I still know my friends and family would be excited I was expecting. I still feel broken. I still feel angry that others have such an easy time. I still feel like I don't deserve having that wonderful, careless, easy, happy time that most have when they try or don't try for a baby and conceive.

Punch in the gut

Well that post yesterday was pointless. I started cramping and bleeding last night ): ugh

Oh HAI again!

So I suck as a mommy blogger. I just don't know what to write about lol. I guess I can give a little update on us.

Jillian is 10.5 months now. Yeah.. Like 10 months 2 weeks and 3 days old. Holy shit. She is WALKING. She typically eats three solid meals a day and nurses before naps/bed and usually once in the night around 4-6am. She sleeps from about 7am til 4-6 and then back down until 7-8am. She talks all of the time but she still doesn't know any real words. She has 3 teeth. She got her first two the first week in Nov and she cut her first top tooth a few days ago. She has been sick twice in her lifetime. She had RSV in December and now she has a stomach bug that has been going around. She's a lot of fun. I can and do watch her play and explore all day long! I love being her mom so so much!

So much so that we decided to add another in the mix!
I am 4w2d with hopefully our second take home baby. I found out Saturday at 11DPO for sure. I had taken a test the night before bc we were having company over and I knew I'd have a few drinks. It was a stupid wondfo and it looked negative and was taking forever to develop so I left and went to enjoy my company. I didn't see the line until the next day so I took a FRER and it was positive! Cue: freak out. I ran to JoAnns and got an iron on transfer that says "I'm the big sister" to share with Keith. I will post all the pics and stuff another time bc they're on my phone.

No symptoms yet except heightened sense of smell. I thought my sore nipples were a pregnancy symptom but I've had them for almost two weeks so I think it was Jill's teething.

I'm pretty low on hope right about now. My tests aren't darkening up like Jill's did. I almost feel like I'm just waiting to start bleeding. I have had serious mood swings but not from happy to angry, but okay to weepy and depressed. I'm having a really hard time. I want this baby so badly. We have been NTNP (but really we've likely hit at least one day in the FW for the last 5 cycles). I had tested negative at 8 and 9DPO and I washed my diva cup and talked to Keith about probably TTA until after our vacation at the end of summer. I was surprised to see that line the morning of 11DPO. In hindsight, I should have known better bc my LP has been 8 days or shorter since I started OPKs back in Sept (didn't use them in Oct but did the other months).

There was a post on TB with some great mantras to inspire hope and positive thinking and I'm going to post them here for myself and for anyone that might be reading (likely no one since I haven't blogged since.. wow since August!)


Today I am pregnant and I love my baby

I am pregnant until someone tells me otherwise

My past does not dictate my future. A previous miscarriage does not mean I will have another miscarriage

Hope does not make bad things happen. You cannot jinx your pregnancy by getting excited or telling someone. Live in the positive.

There is nothing I can do to prevent a miscarriage from happening. Worrying myself sick will not prevent a miscarriage. And if it were to happen again, I know I will survive. 


The last one really speaks to me. I am crying now even thinking about it happening again, but I know I will survive. I hope things will be different now that I have Jill if something bad does happen. I can't be that person I was before I got pregnant with Jill and after my second miscarriage. I was obsessed. I was so incredibly enveloped in my own grief to care about myself or anyone/anything else. That's not an option this time. I have to be the best mother I can be for Jill. I cannot keep going to that dark place. That same place I am struggling so hard to stay out of even now with all of this unknown. Next time, I think I'm going to have Keith ration tests out to me when trying so I can test and get a positive and then leave it at that. I cannot help myself and I have already taken a million tests in the 5 whole days I've known I'm pregnant.

If this baby doesn't come home with me in October, I do not plan on trying again until I can find a doctor that will run tests on me to make sure my body is not causing these losses. I got some good recommendations for a doctor about 30min away that is supposedly really sympathetic to those with losses and is very understanding and helpful. I hope I get to see her for my early pregnancy though instead of for loss testing, but I'm thankful to have a lead on a good doctor either way. I was hoping to give birth in the birth center here, but if I cannot transfer a little later in my pregnancy, then I will just have another hospital birth. My birth with Jill wasn't bad at all so I'm okay with that. (The center only takes a small number of patients due around a certain time bc they have a limited amount of staff).

Anyways, Jill is fussing. Maybe I will start a pregnancy update thing like last time when I feel a little more confident. If I can make it until 6w, then I will feel a little better. I will also try to update with appt dates and any other news

Breastfeeding week

I have a serious love-hate relationship with breastfeeding. It is something I have always looked forward to when pregnant. I always wanted to provide "the best" for my baby.

When you are pregnant with your first, it is so hard to even imagine the emotional roller coaster you are about to face. Not that I had the hardest struggle ever, but I feel like after losing my two babies, I only ever pictured the absolute bliss that comes with motherhood and having a baby. I am not in any way saying that I am not head over heals for Jillian. My entire life revolves around this little girl, but that is something I love and something I struggle with.

My problem is I feel like I have spent the last few years trying to have a baby, then 9mo preparing for her arrival, and now my life is all about trying to keep her happy. I have a high needs baby in the sense that she is practically 100% dependent on attention, distractions, and the like. I am no longer "Jess" but I am "Jillian's mom." That's the best way I can describe it. I happily live to make her smile or giggle, but somedays it is hard.

Some of those days make me hate breastfeeding. I am sorry, but it isn't all puppies and rainbows. It is hard. Jill doesn't take a bottle. At all. I am solely responsible for feeding her every hour and a half to two hours. I absolutely love it and I absolutely hate it. I don't get a break. It wasn't an issue in the beginning, but after almost 5 months, I am struggling to have my own identity again.

I don't write this for pity. I love looking down at my little girl when she is drowsy from eating. I love knowing I am the only one who can truly calm her at my breast, I love seeing her grow and knowing I raised her from a few cells to an apple seed to a blueberry to a banana to a watermelon to my 14.5 lb baby girl that laughs and smiles and tries so hard to talk! I just miss me. I write this on the off chance that someone else feels like I do and needs to know they are not alone. I am doing what someone else cannot for my girl and it is hard but it is beautiful. 

Week 1

Alright, I haven't lost weight (as I suspected I wouldn't) so I think I will check my stats every 3 weeks or a month.
Last week, I started Focus T25 and I love it so far (I just completed day 2 of my second week)! I wasn't feeling Jillian Michael's 30 Day shred and Shaun T is exactly what I needed!
I completed all of week one except the second cardio. I did Kenpo X from p90x with my husband on my rest day instead! Also, after doing cario yesterday, I did Ab Ripper X with my husband too! I'm pretty proud of myself.
Jill has been amazing so far. I usually get dressed and ready for my work out and then I nurse and rock Jill to sleep in her room. I have usually exactly 30 min to get my work out done (which is why I get ready before putting her down bc the girl is like a stop watch!). When Keith and I did Kenpo X (an hour work out) she was amazing in her jumperoo just watching and jumping along with us! So far, I am really proud of myself. I am glad I am starting with shorter work outs bc it is easier to stick with it knowing how fast 25 minutes passes!
Anyways, I am sort of embarrassed of my before pics (Keith insisted I do them with my shirt up to see better results) so I think I will save them to show when I've made progress and am a little prouder of my body.
I will leave you with a pic of Jillian so you have something to look at!

This is the onesie I bought to announce my pregnancy to Keith!

My heart..

Is so full. Every time I look at my beautiful daughter, I have trouble believing that this is my life. I am so blessed to have this amazing little girl in my life. All of my dreams came true March 13, 2013.

12w5d

Jillian will be 13 weeks on Wednesday and 3 months old on Thursday! Time really is flying so fast!

This is really just a short update to say we are doing well. Jill is showing a lot of interest in sitting up. Any time she is not completely flat on her back, she is straining trying to sit up (so if I prop her up on a pillow or my legs). She isn't rolling yet and she's not a huge fan of tummy time, but I am making more of an effort in the hopes that she will roll soon. She is cooing like crazy and she is reaching out and touching things (especially her toes!). I can't wait to hear her laugh! She squeals a little bit, but I haven't heard a giggle just yet.

She is also sleeping in the crib about 75% of the time. We tried a little before we visited family in Chicago and it didn't go too well. She was waking all night and during the day she was super cranky and acting over-tired. I decided to try again a few weeks later and she took to it like a champ and has been in there ever since. I say 75% of the time because if she wakes up after 4am then I usually change her and bring her back to her rock n play in our room for the remainder of the morning. She usually goes to bed some time between 9:15pm and 10:00pm and sleeps until 4-6am (one time she slept until 8!) and then I feed and change her and she's back in bed for 1-2 hour increments until 11-1pm depending. Sometimes she wants to play for an hour or so before taking another nap. During the day/evening, she stays up mainly and takes a cat nap every 2-2.5 hours for about 20-45min.

Breastfeeding is still going great. Jill eats every 1hr-2hrs all day (usually the more frequent times are in the evenings after 5pm). I feed her and rock her to sleep sometime after 9 and she's good for the night! She is starting to get frustrated at the breast and I'm thinking it is a growth spurt and the milk isn't coming out fast enough for her liking because she mainly fusses in the evening when my breasts feel the least full and she has yet to fuss at the breast in the morning or early afternoon.

Keith went back to work for real last week. He had been doing some odd things on and off (mainly off) in March and April until we took transfer leave to move. He pretty much had from March 1 to June 4 off. It was great for me, but now he's back at work. He hasn't started shift work yet and is working days until he gets assigned to a crew. We will see how that weird schedule works. So far, I have been pretty good during the days, but it will likely be hard when he works nights bc I can't just change Jill's and my schedule so we can spend time with him bc that'd be hard on us.

Anyways, Jill is fussing so I will probably have to go rock her a little bit more to get her to sleep ):

8w0d

Holy moly I haven't updated this in forever ): I have been so so busy with Jillian and the move. This probably won't be too long of an update.

Basically, we freaking love our house in SC! It's huge and relatively new (5 years old) and we have so much space! I will post pictures as we decorate it, but right now it is covered in boxes and crap that we haven't found a place for! I do have some pics of Jillian's room so far.

The white is the door frame so this is to the left as soon as you walk in the door. The movers messed up my mobile so I need to fix that and I need to hang up the pictures in the crib.

I plan to make simple maroon curtains to match the bed skirt

Not sure why this one pic turned out so dark

Yes. This is real life... Top is 0-3mo, bottom is 3-6mo, and the left top is everything bigger plus some nightgowns, sleepsacks, snow suits (that she'll likely never wear.. they were given to us though don't worry!), and some nicer dresses

My child has been more than spoiled.. we are so so lucky to have been given almost every piece of clothing. This does not include any of her newborn clothes because she outgrew them (she has about as much NB as she does 3-6mo) or a good bunch that were in poor condition and I didn't have room for (like a whole box full...)


So Jillian is 8 weeks today! I don't have a scale that measures lbs and ounces, but today I weighed her (by me stepping on the scale alone and then with her and calculating the difference) and she weights 10.6lb! Breastfeeding is still going great. I have lost most of the feeling in my nipples lol. Sometimes I just let her stay on the boob even after she's done eating bc I love the cuddles and it doesn't hurt anymore!

Jill outgrew her newborn cloth diapers (well the Bumgenius ones she kept peeing out of so I'm assuming they didn't fit or weren't absorbent enough) right before we moved. She has been in sposies for the last week and a half as we went to VA to visit and then made the rest of the trip to SC. We just got a washer so I'm going to try some OS on her probably tomorrow, but we are leaving for Chicago next week so she will be back in sposies for that time bc I don't want to worry about washing her diapers there. I can't wait to try out some of my cute pockets! A lot of the fitteds seem pretty big and I only have one cover so we will probably wait a while before trying those out.

Jill is holding her head up pretty good for the majority of the time. She also smiles socially and I have gotten one or two laughs out of her. She started cooing a bit more over the past few days. She still doesn't have a complete hang of it, but she does it more and more every day and she seems so proud when she hears the sounds come from her mouth! She's very observant and loves to walk around and look at things. I'm hoping she will get a little better at holding her head up so I can buy her an umbrella stroller so she can sit upright in it and look around her. We live in a cute little suburban neighborhood so I'd love to take her on walks!

I think I want this stroller. So cute!

AFM, I lost all of the baby weight in about two weeks. I have gained about 5lb since that ): I am feeling pretty crummy about myself. Pregnancy definitely f'd up my body pretty nicely! I have a very saggy stomach and I'm just not feeling very sexy. I started the couch to 5k program and I'm thinking of also throwing in the Jillian Michaels 30 Day Shred (but I will likely take a bit longer bc of the trip to Chicago). Ideally, I'd like to be super skinny again. Realistically, I'd like to lose some arm fat and maybe some of my thighs and this pooch I have going on. IDK how much I should expect to weigh. I guess 120-125 would sound nice to me, but I know I will likely gain some muscle from exercising so I'm not sure what to expect weight-wise. I am about 5lb less than when I got pregnant which was my highest non-pregnant weight (I got up to 150ish during the last week of my pregnancy), so as long as I don't hit that or higher, I am really okay with any number as long as I am happy with my body.

TTC.. I am so torn about this. Keith wants to wait so our kids will be 2-3 years apart. I can see the advantages of that. A lot of people say that the older kid can "help" with little tasks and will enjoy being a big sister/brother. Jill will have those years to be the only child. But (and this is a huge but for me), my heart is telling me we should try when she's 6-9 months and they'd be closer to a year and a half apart. I think I only want two kids and I want them to be close and I want to get the newborn stage out of the way sooner. Don't get me wrong, I love Jill this age, but I think it'd be easier having kids closer in age. Maybe not. Maybe my brain is just not wired to have sex for only fun lol. Anyways, I am on the mini pill for the time being. I know for sure that I want to at least breastfeed for 6 months before even attempting to get pregnant. I'd like to breastfeed for a year or longer, but I have read that being pregnant can change your milk and some babies don't like it. I think starting to try around 6 months at the earliest gives me a better chance of making it further breastfeeding her. I have really started to love it even more as it gets easier and easier and it just seems natural and part of our routine now. (I guess I should say that I am one of the oh so lucky people that EBFs and got their period back at 6 weeks.. ugh.. but at least I know when I can TTC)

So that turned into a lot longer of a post than I expected lol! I will end with some pics of Jillian!

Look at those lashes!

Leggings that her Aunt Chancie sent her (:

Helping me unpack

One month!

Holy moly. It is really hard to find time with two hands to blog. This is going to be quick bc Jill is likely going to wake up hungry pretty soon. I just wanted to do a quick update anyways.

We are MOVING SOON! I am so stoked about moving out of this terrible townhouse. We have a super huge 2600 (I thought it was 2400) sq ft house with a 2 car garage, fenced in backyard, screened in back patio, 3BR, 2.5BA, FUCKING AMAZING HOUSE! Okay.. I'm all excited and I haven't even seen it yet except for like 6 pictures Keith took. Keith went to SC last week to house hunt and fell in love with the first house he went to see! He is a snob and likes nice things (I'm the cheap one of the two of us) so, if he is this excited about it, then I know it is going to be awesome! The best part is all of the Southern food that I've been missing over the last year and a quarter!

Our plan is for me and Jill to fly down to VA so we can visit with my family and then Keith is going to drive down and pick us up and take us the rest of the way to SC. THEN a few weeks later we are driving to IL to visit his family. I am so excited to see them, but the drive is going to be killer ):

Cloth diapering- We love it. I actually hate prefolds so we don't have near as many diapers as I thought for newborn. I have a very skinny legged child so I have trouble getting some of her diapers to fit around her legs. My favorite diapers are probably the BG XS and then the THX (knock off Lil Joeys) are our second favorite. They're both AIOs, but the BGs are very trim. The THX are pretty big, but have the double gussets which are nice for containing poop. We don't have enough diapers to wash every other day so we are being lazy and using disposables at night. It was easier for me at first because we are using the ones with the color changing line if the diaper is soiled, but now it'd be fine to use any diapers since she at least pees every time she sleeps at night.

Speaking of sleeping at night.. I was so excited when Jill's pedi said I could stop setting alarms every 4 hours at night to feed her when she hit 4 weeks old (last Wed). I had to wake her almost every night since we'd brought her home when that alarm went off. I don't know how long she would have slept otherwise. I was counting down until that 4 weeks so I could get maybe 5-6 hours of sleep. That little butthead hasn't slept more than a 4 hour stretch since she hit 4 weeks.. GAH! 4 hours sounds pretty good, except I am terrible at falling asleep. I sit there after she feeds and rock her or just hold her until I'm positive she's asleep (bc she'll wake up if I move her when she's not dead to the world and then I have to start all over trying to get her to sleep). Then, I put her in her rock n play and listen/watch to make sure she's really asleep for about 10-20min. THEN I lay down and try to sleep (which usually takes me a while anyways bc I have trouble falling asleep), but I am wide awake because I just spent an hour nursing her and changing her diaper and getting her to sleep. I really don't get to sleep the whole stretch that she goes in between feeds. It was tough when Keith was gone bc sometimes he'd rock her to sleep for me after I feed her if I'm having a rough time getting her back to sleep.

Since Keith has been home, she has been going down at night later ): I think I'm going to try a small schedule with her. Mainly just trying to keep her awake from 6 or 7 until 8 or 9 so she goes down at 9 or 10 instead of the 1am that she went down last night and the night before. She used to always go down for her longer stretches at 9:30 or 10 which was great with me! Hopefully, it will work out. If not, I will just deal with it and try again in a few weeks to get her to bed a bit earlier!

Breastfeeding has been going really great lately. I have almost no pain now. It is mainly just discomfort after a session (never during feeding unless she was cluster feeding that day) and my nipples get that chapped feeling if she nurses a lot. She has been eating a lot during the day (like every hour in the evenings) which makes it difficult to leave the house in the evening ): I still love it. I pumped and saved so I could have a night where I had more than a glass of wine. It was totally not worth it! Jill had a lot of trouble with the few bottles we've given her here and there. I think I will save drinking for a true special occasion or drinking with a group bc drinking at home wasn't all that fun and I was stressed trying to get her to eat (most of the milk would come out of her mouth).

Well, those are my updates! Jill has an appointment tomorrow morning and I"m excited to see how much she weighs!

Birth story part 2 and general updates

So, it is tough getting time on the comp with this sweet baby to feed and stare at all day!

Back to my story!

Like I said, I tried breastfeeding with Jillian while we were still in the delivery room and they were cleaning me and her up, but she wasn't having it because she was coughing up little fluid bubbles. All is well though because I was able to breastfeed a little when we got into our own pp maternity room. She has had a great latch since the beginning, but it still hurt like hell to nurse her. I had some scabs after the second day. I was reading The Womanly Art of Breastfeeding and it says BFing should never hurt. I was scared she wasn't getting enough because she wasn't feeding correctly even though the lactation consultants said she was doing great and she was having the appropriate number of wet and dirty diapers. I am taking that book with a grain of salt from now on.

The first night, I didn't sleep a wink. I was wide awake and on this almost high feeling. I felt no pain from the delivery and I was almost deliriously happy. I didn't sleep until the next evening and that was barely. I didn't like Jill being in her bassinet. I felt better holding her or having Keith hold her. The second night and day, Jill started cluster feeding. It was one of the hardest things to get through. The pain was toe curling because she was nursing almost constantly with only 20min to maaaaaybe an hour in between feedings.

We got to go home the third morning (Friday). It was pretty awesome walking out of the hospital with MY baby. I still can't believe she is mine and that I made her and carried her. I have wanted her for so so long. It makes all of the pain of the last two years 1000% worth it. Every tear and heartache was worth it. I wouldn't trade her for anything even when she is crying and nothing seems to soothe her or she is cluster feeding and I'm in pain.

meeting big brother, Optimus!

Our first few days went great. On Saturday night, I passed a clot about half the size of my fist in my underwear. It scared the shit out of me. It is insanely disgusting and scary to see something that large made out of your blood that just fell out of you. I called the on call doctor and he told me it was fine, but to watch for more bleeding. The first few days, I stayed up at night with Jill and Keith watched her for a good part of the morning/afternoon so I could sleep. I got in the shower at the beginning of Keith's shift Sunday morning because Jillian had her 4 day check up appointment at the pedi's office that morning. I passed a clot the size of a fist in the shower. I was freaking out at this point. I was told to call if I passed a clot the size of a fist or several clots adding up to that size and now I had passed two that added up to 1.5 that amount or more. I called the on call again and he told me to head to the ER. I tried holding back tears. I fed Jill and we packed her diaper bag and left at about 5:30am.

We got to the ER and got into a room pretty quickly. I had to have an ultrasound. The tech did an external first and the radiologist wasn't happy with it so they had to do the internal (ouch! I had stitches from tearing). They also took my blood. The doctor came in and said I had lost a lot of blood during delivery and that now my blood levels were borderline needing a blood transfusion and possibly a d&c if the u/s showed retained products of conception. Commence freak out. I started crying pretty hard because I was scared and Keith had to leave to take Jill to her first appt without me. I was so sad.

The nurse came in and told me the second blood draw showed no change in blood counts and that they'd be keeping me overnight for observation. She also said the ultrasound showed nothing and that I couldn't have Jill or Keith spend the night with me. I was pretty devastated and bawling at this point. I didn't want my baby away from me for 12 hours (visiting hours are 7-7) and she'd have to have formula because I hadn't pumped before. I asked for a pump to start pumping and they brought me a fucking manual pump.. We waited and waited in emergency even though I had already been told I would be admitted. They even moved me to another room in emergency (with all of the sick people coming in and out of the ER..) AFTER they told me I'd be admitted. I didn't understand what we were waiting for. Keith and I were arguing because he was pissed that Jill was around all the sick people and he was terrible to be around (he wasn't mad at me, he was just miserable and very grumpy towards everyone). I pumped and pumped and pumped for hours and only got half an ounce.. We were in emergency for about 8 hours before we were wheeled to an inpatient room (btw they had several open..). FINALLY we had nurses that acted like they knew what they were talking about.

I had a break down and Keith finally asked them to just discharge us. I was barely bleeding in my pad and obviously it wasn't some huge emergency since we had just been sitting around all day. I cried like crazy and tried to explain to the nurse in charge how I was feeling and about our terrible experience and the lack of communication. She ordered another blood draw and told me that I actually had improved levels at my earlier blood draw. I was waiting on the OB to deliver two patients to come talk to me and he would decide if I could go. After we had been there for 12 hours, I finally got to talk to him. He explained to me that it was always his plan to have me there for 10-12 hours to do several blood draws to confirm that my second blood draw and count raise was "real" and he was happy to say that my third draw showed about triple the raise as the first raise. He also told me that they DID see something on the ultrasound, but that the radiologist said it wasn't likely that it was products of conception and it was probably another large clot, but that they couldn't say for sure (the ER nurse basically told me a load of misinformation). He let us leave just in time for my sister to get in at the airport. It was one of the worst days of my life. It was so stressful and I basically just cried the whole last few hours from all of the stress. I have been fine since that day as far as bleeding.

I will try to make the rest of this quicker lol. Things at home have been going great. My sister and dad came to visit and it was a great time. We are glad to have some time at home as a family though now that they're gone. It is definitely hard to keep up with cooking and housework now though!

Jillian lost the regular weight while in the hospital. She started at 7lb8oz and was down to 6lb14oz when we left. At her 4 day check up, she was up to 7lb1oz and today at her two week visit, she was up to 7lb11oz! I am so proud of both of us lol. Breastfeeding has been challenging and formula feeding has been very enticing when she's going through a growth spurt, or my nipples hurt, or I am being woken up at 3am by a screaming baby and Keith can't do anything to help me feed her. I also love it. I love the closeness. I love sleeping with her after she passes out. I love knowing that I am providing for her and helping her grow. I love the faces she makes when she's trying to find the boob. It gets easier every day.

I will try to write more frequently, but Keith goes back to work Friday and we are moving in a month so I need to get my shit together.