4w3d?

Here we go again. Pregnancy number 5. Seriously.. That seems ridiculous to me, but it is what it is.

So, HAIIIIIIIIIIIIIIII!!!!!!!!!
I'm actually feeling really good. My chart was all wonky and says I'm not that far along, but how would I get this beauty at 10dpo?! (Bottom test. Top is 11 DPO)

So I'm going by LMP until I have my dating ultrasound. Those lines alone put me past my two chemical pregnancies. I didn't have lines like that until mid-4 weeks with Jill so I am feeling on cloud 9! I am obviously still very skeptical and nervous since my first pregnancy went to 8w. At most I am 4w3d and at least I am 3w5d (what FF says I am).

I am seriously shocked. I left for Virginia to visit family thinking I hadn't even ovulated yet and I got crosshairs a few days later. Keith's schedule made sex before my trip difficult so I thought this cycle was wasted. I had a temp jump Monday morning and FF said I was 10dpo and I was drinking so the impatient tester in me went and bought the tests. I am pretty sure I literally said "no shit!" when I saw how quickly those lines popped up.

How far along?  4 weeks 3 days approx
Symptoms? (I added this bc I wish I had it last time) a little fatigued, frequent urination, and right this second I have heartburn! Damn that heartburn! I also had a sharp pain in my ute when getting up too quickly tonight. I'm thinking RLP early?
Total weight gain/loss?  I've been on vacation so I haven't weighed myself yet
Maternity clothes?  Not yet. I won't be holding out too long especially if I show early. No sense being uncomfortable!
Stretch marks? Lol I'll be surprised if I can figure out which ones are old or new if I stay pregnant
Sleep?  I'm pretty damn tired all day
Best moment last week? See picture above (;
Movement?  Not for a while, I'm sure.
Food cravings?  I haven't really had any cravings yet.
Gender? No idea and no intuition this time!
Belly button in/out? In for a long time.
What I miss: Nothing. I'm like one second pregnant!
What I am looking forward to: My ultrasound that is scheduled on July 21st!
Milestones: My next milestone will be to make it past my ultrasound.

Idk

I've been really good about knowing that pregnancies don't end in babies

I've been really good about knowing I have an amazing daughter already and some don't have that

I've been really good about knowing things could be worse

I've been really good about acting normal

I've been really good acting like I shouldn't be pregnant right now

But

But I still feel hurt. I still want Jill to have a sibling in a few months. I still know I would know if I was having a boy or girl now. I still know my friends and family would be excited I was expecting. I still feel broken. I still feel angry that others have such an easy time. I still feel like I don't deserve having that wonderful, careless, easy, happy time that most have when they try or don't try for a baby and conceive.

Punch in the gut

Well that post yesterday was pointless. I started cramping and bleeding last night ): ugh

Oh HAI again!

So I suck as a mommy blogger. I just don't know what to write about lol. I guess I can give a little update on us.

Jillian is 10.5 months now. Yeah.. Like 10 months 2 weeks and 3 days old. Holy shit. She is WALKING. She typically eats three solid meals a day and nurses before naps/bed and usually once in the night around 4-6am. She sleeps from about 7am til 4-6 and then back down until 7-8am. She talks all of the time but she still doesn't know any real words. She has 3 teeth. She got her first two the first week in Nov and she cut her first top tooth a few days ago. She has been sick twice in her lifetime. She had RSV in December and now she has a stomach bug that has been going around. She's a lot of fun. I can and do watch her play and explore all day long! I love being her mom so so much!

So much so that we decided to add another in the mix!
I am 4w2d with hopefully our second take home baby. I found out Saturday at 11DPO for sure. I had taken a test the night before bc we were having company over and I knew I'd have a few drinks. It was a stupid wondfo and it looked negative and was taking forever to develop so I left and went to enjoy my company. I didn't see the line until the next day so I took a FRER and it was positive! Cue: freak out. I ran to JoAnns and got an iron on transfer that says "I'm the big sister" to share with Keith. I will post all the pics and stuff another time bc they're on my phone.

No symptoms yet except heightened sense of smell. I thought my sore nipples were a pregnancy symptom but I've had them for almost two weeks so I think it was Jill's teething.

I'm pretty low on hope right about now. My tests aren't darkening up like Jill's did. I almost feel like I'm just waiting to start bleeding. I have had serious mood swings but not from happy to angry, but okay to weepy and depressed. I'm having a really hard time. I want this baby so badly. We have been NTNP (but really we've likely hit at least one day in the FW for the last 5 cycles). I had tested negative at 8 and 9DPO and I washed my diva cup and talked to Keith about probably TTA until after our vacation at the end of summer. I was surprised to see that line the morning of 11DPO. In hindsight, I should have known better bc my LP has been 8 days or shorter since I started OPKs back in Sept (didn't use them in Oct but did the other months).

There was a post on TB with some great mantras to inspire hope and positive thinking and I'm going to post them here for myself and for anyone that might be reading (likely no one since I haven't blogged since.. wow since August!)


Today I am pregnant and I love my baby

I am pregnant until someone tells me otherwise

My past does not dictate my future. A previous miscarriage does not mean I will have another miscarriage

Hope does not make bad things happen. You cannot jinx your pregnancy by getting excited or telling someone. Live in the positive.

There is nothing I can do to prevent a miscarriage from happening. Worrying myself sick will not prevent a miscarriage. And if it were to happen again, I know I will survive. 


The last one really speaks to me. I am crying now even thinking about it happening again, but I know I will survive. I hope things will be different now that I have Jill if something bad does happen. I can't be that person I was before I got pregnant with Jill and after my second miscarriage. I was obsessed. I was so incredibly enveloped in my own grief to care about myself or anyone/anything else. That's not an option this time. I have to be the best mother I can be for Jill. I cannot keep going to that dark place. That same place I am struggling so hard to stay out of even now with all of this unknown. Next time, I think I'm going to have Keith ration tests out to me when trying so I can test and get a positive and then leave it at that. I cannot help myself and I have already taken a million tests in the 5 whole days I've known I'm pregnant.

If this baby doesn't come home with me in October, I do not plan on trying again until I can find a doctor that will run tests on me to make sure my body is not causing these losses. I got some good recommendations for a doctor about 30min away that is supposedly really sympathetic to those with losses and is very understanding and helpful. I hope I get to see her for my early pregnancy though instead of for loss testing, but I'm thankful to have a lead on a good doctor either way. I was hoping to give birth in the birth center here, but if I cannot transfer a little later in my pregnancy, then I will just have another hospital birth. My birth with Jill wasn't bad at all so I'm okay with that. (The center only takes a small number of patients due around a certain time bc they have a limited amount of staff).

Anyways, Jill is fussing. Maybe I will start a pregnancy update thing like last time when I feel a little more confident. If I can make it until 6w, then I will feel a little better. I will also try to update with appt dates and any other news

Breastfeeding week

I have a serious love-hate relationship with breastfeeding. It is something I have always looked forward to when pregnant. I always wanted to provide "the best" for my baby.

When you are pregnant with your first, it is so hard to even imagine the emotional roller coaster you are about to face. Not that I had the hardest struggle ever, but I feel like after losing my two babies, I only ever pictured the absolute bliss that comes with motherhood and having a baby. I am not in any way saying that I am not head over heals for Jillian. My entire life revolves around this little girl, but that is something I love and something I struggle with.

My problem is I feel like I have spent the last few years trying to have a baby, then 9mo preparing for her arrival, and now my life is all about trying to keep her happy. I have a high needs baby in the sense that she is practically 100% dependent on attention, distractions, and the like. I am no longer "Jess" but I am "Jillian's mom." That's the best way I can describe it. I happily live to make her smile or giggle, but somedays it is hard.

Some of those days make me hate breastfeeding. I am sorry, but it isn't all puppies and rainbows. It is hard. Jill doesn't take a bottle. At all. I am solely responsible for feeding her every hour and a half to two hours. I absolutely love it and I absolutely hate it. I don't get a break. It wasn't an issue in the beginning, but after almost 5 months, I am struggling to have my own identity again.

I don't write this for pity. I love looking down at my little girl when she is drowsy from eating. I love knowing I am the only one who can truly calm her at my breast, I love seeing her grow and knowing I raised her from a few cells to an apple seed to a blueberry to a banana to a watermelon to my 14.5 lb baby girl that laughs and smiles and tries so hard to talk! I just miss me. I write this on the off chance that someone else feels like I do and needs to know they are not alone. I am doing what someone else cannot for my girl and it is hard but it is beautiful. 

Week 1

Alright, I haven't lost weight (as I suspected I wouldn't) so I think I will check my stats every 3 weeks or a month.
Last week, I started Focus T25 and I love it so far (I just completed day 2 of my second week)! I wasn't feeling Jillian Michael's 30 Day shred and Shaun T is exactly what I needed!
I completed all of week one except the second cardio. I did Kenpo X from p90x with my husband on my rest day instead! Also, after doing cario yesterday, I did Ab Ripper X with my husband too! I'm pretty proud of myself.
Jill has been amazing so far. I usually get dressed and ready for my work out and then I nurse and rock Jill to sleep in her room. I have usually exactly 30 min to get my work out done (which is why I get ready before putting her down bc the girl is like a stop watch!). When Keith and I did Kenpo X (an hour work out) she was amazing in her jumperoo just watching and jumping along with us! So far, I am really proud of myself. I am glad I am starting with shorter work outs bc it is easier to stick with it knowing how fast 25 minutes passes!
Anyways, I am sort of embarrassed of my before pics (Keith insisted I do them with my shirt up to see better results) so I think I will save them to show when I've made progress and am a little prouder of my body.
I will leave you with a pic of Jillian so you have something to look at!

This is the onesie I bought to announce my pregnancy to Keith!

My heart..

Is so full. Every time I look at my beautiful daughter, I have trouble believing that this is my life. I am so blessed to have this amazing little girl in my life. All of my dreams came true March 13, 2013.