Maybe I'm ready

This post might not make much sense because it will be a bunch of my thoughts/feelings that I've been having the past month or so.

It has been 1 month and almost 2 weeks since I lost my baby.

I went to my appointment so nervous at 8w5d because Keith was at sea. I was somewhat optimistic because we saw that heartbeat. I thought for sure if I saw that heartbeat I was in the clear. I was very, very wrong.

I went in and peed in a cup like normal. I laid on that u/s table where I first teared up at the sight of my beautiful baby and his healthy heartbeat. The tech had the monitor facing her like she did the first time. The difference the second time? She never turned that monitor towards me after a minute or so. She asked me to stop breathing and moved the wand a little. She asked me to breathe normally and moved the wand. She asked me to stop again. My heart completely dropped. I knew what she couldn't find.. I don't know how many times after that that she asked me to hold my breath to make sure there was no heartbeat. She never said it, she didn't smile like she did the first time. She said she needed to step out and get the nurse. I started crying and she said "I guess you know why I'm getting the nurse." I sobbed... she laid her upper body on the table next to me and hugged me. She asked if there was anyone else here with me and I told her there wasn't. She went out to get the nurse and did a very quick repeat u/s. They asked me to get dressed and sit in a room and someone would be there in a minute.
I knew what was happening, I tried texting my mom and sister and grandma with no answer and my phone kept messing up. I got in touch with my coworker (I was supposed to go back to work) that had been through the same thing 5-6months prior. She kept texting me back saying she was sorry. The nurse came in and told me I could wait and miscarry naturally, have surgery (d&c) or take a medicine to make me miscarry and handed me some brochures.. I had to get bloodwork done. The lady that took my blood was so cheery until she saw me crying. Then I went home to my empty bed and cried and cried and cried. My mom came over and acted like she was going through what I was going through. Telling me how she's miscarried 93487r5398 times like that should make me feel reassured. Then my grandma came. I scheduled the d&c for the next day.

This is all I can really handle right now. I'll talk about my surgery and maybe after at another time. I'm tired and this is too much for right now. I miss my angel baby. I want him back so much..