Tuesday, February 7, 2012
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I'm sad this morning. There's really no point to this post. I am just feeling down. I hate when Keith has duty days. I hate being in the house alone for almost two days.
Thursday, February 2, 2012
CD3-Cycle 7
We're on to cycle 7. I'm not sure I have much else to say about it.
On the upside, my LP was 12 days instead of my usual 10. I hope that was due to the Bcomplex and not just an off cycle.
On the upside, my LP was 12 days instead of my usual 10. I hope that was due to the Bcomplex and not just an off cycle.
Wednesday, January 25, 2012
Cycle #6
Just a quick post about cycle 6 for us before I go take a nap.
I'm having no hope this cycle. We went skiing for the weekend the weekend before my usual O date. We were sharing a room with another couple, so we didn't have sex. When we go home Sunday, we were so tired and bruised that we didn't have sex. I didn't think it'd matter bc it should have been recreational since I still had a week until ovulation. Keith went to work Monday for duty (meaning he wouldn't come home until 5pm-ish the next day) and I happened to get a positive OPK. Just my luck..
We had sex Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday. FF predicts O (on OPKs alone, no temps this cycle) to be on Tuesday.
In a nutshell, our timing sucks. I'll probably test every day anyways because I want to get my progesterone drawn (I couldn't care less to get my HCG levels since I bet that will just drive me mad) if I'm actually pregnant. I'm taking a B complex, so hopefully my LP is a little longer. My typical LP puts my period due to arrive Saturday or Sunday (depending on O, which I'm not positive about since I didn't temp)
I have enjoyed the temping break, but I think I'll temp next cycle at least until O is confirmed.
I'm having no hope this cycle. We went skiing for the weekend the weekend before my usual O date. We were sharing a room with another couple, so we didn't have sex. When we go home Sunday, we were so tired and bruised that we didn't have sex. I didn't think it'd matter bc it should have been recreational since I still had a week until ovulation. Keith went to work Monday for duty (meaning he wouldn't come home until 5pm-ish the next day) and I happened to get a positive OPK. Just my luck..
We had sex Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday. FF predicts O (on OPKs alone, no temps this cycle) to be on Tuesday.
In a nutshell, our timing sucks. I'll probably test every day anyways because I want to get my progesterone drawn (I couldn't care less to get my HCG levels since I bet that will just drive me mad) if I'm actually pregnant. I'm taking a B complex, so hopefully my LP is a little longer. My typical LP puts my period due to arrive Saturday or Sunday (depending on O, which I'm not positive about since I didn't temp)
I have enjoyed the temping break, but I think I'll temp next cycle at least until O is confirmed.
2012 can suck it so far
It has been six months since that awful u/s. While I am doing better, I'm not better. If that makes any sense at all. I still cry myself to sleep sometimes. 2011 was by far the worst year of my life. I feel horrible saying that because Keith and I got engaged and married in 2011. But all of the underways in the midst of me getting pregnant, miscarrying, and grieving were so, so hard on me.
I really thought 2012 would be better. On December 28, I got another positive pregnancy test just two days after one of the greatest nights of my life (our wedding). I started off doubting that I would be able to have a baby in September. I think I was trying to protect myself with those thoughts. After we moved to CT a few days later, I started feeling hopeful. I let Keith touch my belly and I started fantasizing about the upcoming months. Then the tests never got darker. Then I got a negative test. Then I started bleeding. The day after I decided that I would allow myself to get excited and love my baby. If there's a god out there that really listens to people's thoughts and prayers, then fuck him for that.
I started the second day of the new year miscarrying my baby.
I have been grieving a bit differently this time. While I still have hurt and sadness, I mainly deal with anger/bitterness (if that's a word) and a lot of anxiety and questioning. I am scared to go through this again and again. I wanted a big family, but I don't know if I can do this 3-4 times.
I'm gonna update the look of this blog. I probably won't share it with anyone until we get far into a successful pregnancy though. I'm not sure I'm ready to let anyone in on my thoughts just yet, even strangers.
I really thought 2012 would be better. On December 28, I got another positive pregnancy test just two days after one of the greatest nights of my life (our wedding). I started off doubting that I would be able to have a baby in September. I think I was trying to protect myself with those thoughts. After we moved to CT a few days later, I started feeling hopeful. I let Keith touch my belly and I started fantasizing about the upcoming months. Then the tests never got darker. Then I got a negative test. Then I started bleeding. The day after I decided that I would allow myself to get excited and love my baby. If there's a god out there that really listens to people's thoughts and prayers, then fuck him for that.
I started the second day of the new year miscarrying my baby.
I have been grieving a bit differently this time. While I still have hurt and sadness, I mainly deal with anger/bitterness (if that's a word) and a lot of anxiety and questioning. I am scared to go through this again and again. I wanted a big family, but I don't know if I can do this 3-4 times.
I'm gonna update the look of this blog. I probably won't share it with anyone until we get far into a successful pregnancy though. I'm not sure I'm ready to let anyone in on my thoughts just yet, even strangers.
All I have to show for my second pregnancy
Wednesday, September 7, 2011
Maybe I'm ready
This post might not make much sense because it will be a bunch of my thoughts/feelings that I've been having the past month or so.
It has been 1 month and almost 2 weeks since I lost my baby.
I went to my appointment so nervous at 8w5d because Keith was at sea. I was somewhat optimistic because we saw that heartbeat. I thought for sure if I saw that heartbeat I was in the clear. I was very, very wrong.
I went in and peed in a cup like normal. I laid on that u/s table where I first teared up at the sight of my beautiful baby and his healthy heartbeat. The tech had the monitor facing her like she did the first time. The difference the second time? She never turned that monitor towards me after a minute or so. She asked me to stop breathing and moved the wand a little. She asked me to breathe normally and moved the wand. She asked me to stop again. My heart completely dropped. I knew what she couldn't find.. I don't know how many times after that that she asked me to hold my breath to make sure there was no heartbeat. She never said it, she didn't smile like she did the first time. She said she needed to step out and get the nurse. I started crying and she said "I guess you know why I'm getting the nurse." I sobbed... she laid her upper body on the table next to me and hugged me. She asked if there was anyone else here with me and I told her there wasn't. She went out to get the nurse and did a very quick repeat u/s. They asked me to get dressed and sit in a room and someone would be there in a minute.
I knew what was happening, I tried texting my mom and sister and grandma with no answer and my phone kept messing up. I got in touch with my coworker (I was supposed to go back to work) that had been through the same thing 5-6months prior. She kept texting me back saying she was sorry. The nurse came in and told me I could wait and miscarry naturally, have surgery (d&c) or take a medicine to make me miscarry and handed me some brochures.. I had to get bloodwork done. The lady that took my blood was so cheery until she saw me crying. Then I went home to my empty bed and cried and cried and cried. My mom came over and acted like she was going through what I was going through. Telling me how she's miscarried 93487r5398 times like that should make me feel reassured. Then my grandma came. I scheduled the d&c for the next day.
This is all I can really handle right now. I'll talk about my surgery and maybe after at another time. I'm tired and this is too much for right now. I miss my angel baby. I want him back so much..
It has been 1 month and almost 2 weeks since I lost my baby.
I went to my appointment so nervous at 8w5d because Keith was at sea. I was somewhat optimistic because we saw that heartbeat. I thought for sure if I saw that heartbeat I was in the clear. I was very, very wrong.
I went in and peed in a cup like normal. I laid on that u/s table where I first teared up at the sight of my beautiful baby and his healthy heartbeat. The tech had the monitor facing her like she did the first time. The difference the second time? She never turned that monitor towards me after a minute or so. She asked me to stop breathing and moved the wand a little. She asked me to breathe normally and moved the wand. She asked me to stop again. My heart completely dropped. I knew what she couldn't find.. I don't know how many times after that that she asked me to hold my breath to make sure there was no heartbeat. She never said it, she didn't smile like she did the first time. She said she needed to step out and get the nurse. I started crying and she said "I guess you know why I'm getting the nurse." I sobbed... she laid her upper body on the table next to me and hugged me. She asked if there was anyone else here with me and I told her there wasn't. She went out to get the nurse and did a very quick repeat u/s. They asked me to get dressed and sit in a room and someone would be there in a minute.
I knew what was happening, I tried texting my mom and sister and grandma with no answer and my phone kept messing up. I got in touch with my coworker (I was supposed to go back to work) that had been through the same thing 5-6months prior. She kept texting me back saying she was sorry. The nurse came in and told me I could wait and miscarry naturally, have surgery (d&c) or take a medicine to make me miscarry and handed me some brochures.. I had to get bloodwork done. The lady that took my blood was so cheery until she saw me crying. Then I went home to my empty bed and cried and cried and cried. My mom came over and acted like she was going through what I was going through. Telling me how she's miscarried 93487r5398 times like that should make me feel reassured. Then my grandma came. I scheduled the d&c for the next day.
This is all I can really handle right now. I'll talk about my surgery and maybe after at another time. I'm tired and this is too much for right now. I miss my angel baby. I want him back so much..
Sunday, August 7, 2011
Well here goes nothing
We lost the baby. I didn't even remember that I posted at 8 weeks exactly, the day my baby stopped growing. It actually makes me sick to my stomach to think about it right now. I have thought about telling my story here, but I don't think I'm ready. I thought I was until I skimmed that last post and now I know that I still need some time. So until then..
Thursday, July 21, 2011
8 weeks today
So, it's been a while since I've posted. Not a whole lot has been going on pregnancy-wise. Actually, not much in my life haha. It's been wake up, go to work, come home, see Keith (if he's not out to sea), go to bed. Throw in some eating, a whole lotta peeing, and a few naps and that's my daily schedule.
Tuesday was my first ob appointment! I thought it would never come and then all of a sudden it was time! My sister was supposed to go with me originally because Keith wasn't supposed to be home, but she ended up bailing. Keith was supposed to go for the whole thing but he ended up being about 30 min late and he missed the fun part (the u/s). I'm really glad he went though. Everything was so exciting and overwhelming, it was great to have him there just to hold my hand through it!
I went in and filled out the normal paperwork. They called me back right away and had me pee in a cup. Then I went in this room and they told me to strip down from the waist down! I had no idea it would happen so fast. I thought someone would sit and talk to me or something first. I didn't know I'd walk in the office and get naked and see my baby! I didn't even have time to process it. The whole day I tried not thinking about the appointment. I was so scared I'd go in there and they wouldn't find a heartbeat. I laid down and they lubed up this huge dildo-looking-wand and put a condom on it and shoved it right on in! The tech had the screen facing her so I could barely see. I was nervous because I didn't see anything in the first 30sec or so then she flipped the monitor around and showed me my precious baby! I was beyond elated. I could see its little heart thumping away. That's all I wanted. I didn't care about anything else. She let me listen to the heartbeat. It was 156 (according to old wives tales that means a boy)! She kept asking if I was okay because I was tearing up. She took some measurements and told me I was 7weeks5days (this was two days ago).
Keith got there right before I went in to talk to the nurse. She told me they were scheduling another ultrasound in a week to verify the gestational age and to make sure everything is going smoothly. At that appointment I'll have my full exam as well after the ultrasound! I can't believe I'll get to see my baby again! It's so awesome after thinking I'd only get to see him/her at the first u/s and then at 20 weeks and then when he/she is born!
Before I talked about how scared I was about miscarrying. Well after seeing a healthy baby those fears have all but left completely. I feel much more confident about getting excited. We decided to tell our families Tuesday as well. It feels so good to not have any secrets. It was especially hard not talking to my grandma about it because she is my very best friend. It's weird not talking to her about the biggest thing in my life.
Anyways, I work open-close tomorrow and then I'm going out for an hour or so for a girl on the boat's birthday so I need some sleep. I've been yawning the past two hours non-stop.
How far along? 8 weeks (only a few hours until 8w1d!)
Total weight gain/loss? I weigh myself almost every morning and I weigh 125-126 (even 124 once!) but at the doctors office I weighed 127. I wonder if my scale is just off and I've always weighed one lb more than my scale at home tells me. Who knows?
Maternity clothes? Not yet. I'm extremely bloated after breakfast until bed so I do wear a BeBand from Target so I can unbutton my work pants so they stop cutting into my tummy all day. I'm much more comfortable!
Stretch marks? I'm not showing. I have stretch marks from gaining weight and all in the past, no belly marks!
Sleep? I'm always tired! I nap whenever Keith isn't home or when he's being extra nice. I don't get to see him much so he doesn't get so excited when I tell him I want a nap.
Best moment last week? Nothing really happened last week
Movement? None yet.
Food cravings? none yet. Well, sometimes when I see a picture of a certain food or someone talks about a food I really want it. Like bojangles or ice cream. But I haven't had a random urge pop into my mind yet
Gender? Don't know! I keep thinking that I want a girl, but everyone else keeps saying it'll be a boy, so maybe we'll be really surprised when the u/s tech says girl!
Labor signs? None.
Belly button in/out? In.
What I miss: Not being tired all the time
What I am looking forward to: My next appointment and seeing the baby's heartbeat one more time.
Milestones: I'm a raspberry! And I've completed about 60 days of my pregnancy! (56 actually would be 8 weeks I think)
Tuesday was my first ob appointment! I thought it would never come and then all of a sudden it was time! My sister was supposed to go with me originally because Keith wasn't supposed to be home, but she ended up bailing. Keith was supposed to go for the whole thing but he ended up being about 30 min late and he missed the fun part (the u/s). I'm really glad he went though. Everything was so exciting and overwhelming, it was great to have him there just to hold my hand through it!
I went in and filled out the normal paperwork. They called me back right away and had me pee in a cup. Then I went in this room and they told me to strip down from the waist down! I had no idea it would happen so fast. I thought someone would sit and talk to me or something first. I didn't know I'd walk in the office and get naked and see my baby! I didn't even have time to process it. The whole day I tried not thinking about the appointment. I was so scared I'd go in there and they wouldn't find a heartbeat. I laid down and they lubed up this huge dildo-looking-wand and put a condom on it and shoved it right on in! The tech had the screen facing her so I could barely see. I was nervous because I didn't see anything in the first 30sec or so then she flipped the monitor around and showed me my precious baby! I was beyond elated. I could see its little heart thumping away. That's all I wanted. I didn't care about anything else. She let me listen to the heartbeat. It was 156 (according to old wives tales that means a boy)! She kept asking if I was okay because I was tearing up. She took some measurements and told me I was 7weeks5days (this was two days ago).
Keith got there right before I went in to talk to the nurse. She told me they were scheduling another ultrasound in a week to verify the gestational age and to make sure everything is going smoothly. At that appointment I'll have my full exam as well after the ultrasound! I can't believe I'll get to see my baby again! It's so awesome after thinking I'd only get to see him/her at the first u/s and then at 20 weeks and then when he/she is born!
Before I talked about how scared I was about miscarrying. Well after seeing a healthy baby those fears have all but left completely. I feel much more confident about getting excited. We decided to tell our families Tuesday as well. It feels so good to not have any secrets. It was especially hard not talking to my grandma about it because she is my very best friend. It's weird not talking to her about the biggest thing in my life.
Anyways, I work open-close tomorrow and then I'm going out for an hour or so for a girl on the boat's birthday so I need some sleep. I've been yawning the past two hours non-stop.
How far along? 8 weeks (only a few hours until 8w1d!)
Total weight gain/loss? I weigh myself almost every morning and I weigh 125-126 (even 124 once!) but at the doctors office I weighed 127. I wonder if my scale is just off and I've always weighed one lb more than my scale at home tells me. Who knows?
Maternity clothes? Not yet. I'm extremely bloated after breakfast until bed so I do wear a BeBand from Target so I can unbutton my work pants so they stop cutting into my tummy all day. I'm much more comfortable!
Stretch marks? I'm not showing. I have stretch marks from gaining weight and all in the past, no belly marks!
Sleep? I'm always tired! I nap whenever Keith isn't home or when he's being extra nice. I don't get to see him much so he doesn't get so excited when I tell him I want a nap.
Best moment last week? Nothing really happened last week
Movement? None yet.
Food cravings? none yet. Well, sometimes when I see a picture of a certain food or someone talks about a food I really want it. Like bojangles or ice cream. But I haven't had a random urge pop into my mind yet
Gender? Don't know! I keep thinking that I want a girl, but everyone else keeps saying it'll be a boy, so maybe we'll be really surprised when the u/s tech says girl!
Labor signs? None.
Belly button in/out? In.
What I miss: Not being tired all the time
What I am looking forward to: My next appointment and seeing the baby's heartbeat one more time.
Milestones: I'm a raspberry! And I've completed about 60 days of my pregnancy! (56 actually would be 8 weeks I think)
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