Tattoo

Something that I've wanted to do for a while now is get a new tattoo. It has been 2 years and some change since I got my last one. I've been waiting for an idea that means something to me. March 1st is our first baby's EDD and I think (if I'm not pregnant) that it'd be perfect to get a tattoo that day. I'm thinking somewhere on my back or rib cage on the left. I don't know if I want something to represent my baby or babies or if I want something to represent what I've been dealing with these past seven months. I feel very, very alone in my struggles and I think it'd be therapeutic to get one of these tattoos. I'm gonna post some pictures and ideas

This one means infinite love

 I already have a banksy tattoo on my back so I thought it'd be neat to add some of this other work. This would represent my struggles during this time

 Elephants represent a lot of things.. strength, family, etc. The most important thing to me is that elephants never forget

Our baby's EDD was in March. I've always used clovers and shamrocks to represent our baby because of St. Patrick's Day

 This is also banksy. I'm thinking of putting a clover in her hand and not having the balloon since I already have balloons

Another Banksy.

 I really like this one. I'd have two butterflies since we've had two losses. Butterflies are often used in miscarriage remembrance tattoos/jewelry/etc

I'd have two for each lost baby

This isn't Banksy but I really like it. I wouldn't get the color

 I like this one if it wasn't smiling and drawn a little neater. I think this one looks a bit sloppy but I like that it's holding the clover. I don't do color tattoos

Another Banksy. I'd go without the shopping cart :P

I would do a clover on one and IDK what I'd put in the other yet

 I would make an exception for my no color to get this. I'd get a clover instead of the hibiscus though

I like the simplicity of this one and I love the heart

I like that this one has a clover on it's back

This is a closer version of one I already put

Cheesy? Okay, I looove Harry Potter. Also, this is a bit symbolic for me. Expecto Patronum is the spell that gets rid of the dementors. I don't think I really need to explain how that can be symbolic

This is from Mary Tyler Moore. I just like it. It's pretty literal

Now I just don't know what I want.. I have so many options!

On jealousy

I am jealous. I feel so pathetic. I feel stupid for it. I feel sad for myself. Every time I see/hear a pregnancy announcement, my heart skips a beat. I just want to cry. I know other people aren't "taking" my baby or my turn at being a mom. I know I don't know their struggles (if they had any TTC), but I assume that they had no trouble and no pain. It hurts to see someone else get what I want so badly. I need to get with the program here. This last miscarriage has ruined my patience and turned me into the green-eyed monster.

.

I'm sad this morning. There's really no point to this post. I am just feeling down. I hate when Keith has duty days. I hate being in the house alone for almost two days.

CD3-Cycle 7

We're on to cycle 7. I'm not sure I have much else to say about it.
On the upside, my LP was 12 days instead of my usual 10. I hope that was due to the Bcomplex and not just an off cycle.

Cycle #6

Just a quick post about cycle 6 for us before I go take a nap.
I'm having no hope this cycle. We went skiing for the weekend the weekend before my usual O date. We were sharing a room with another couple, so we didn't have sex. When we go home Sunday, we were so tired and bruised that we didn't have sex. I didn't think it'd matter bc it should have been recreational since I still had a week until ovulation. Keith went to work Monday for duty (meaning he wouldn't come home until 5pm-ish the next day) and I happened to get a positive OPK. Just my luck..
We had sex Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday. FF predicts O (on OPKs alone, no temps this cycle) to be on Tuesday.
In a nutshell, our timing sucks. I'll probably test every day anyways because I want to get my progesterone drawn (I couldn't care less to get my HCG levels since I bet that will just drive me mad) if I'm actually pregnant. I'm taking a B complex, so hopefully my LP is a little longer. My typical LP puts my period due to arrive Saturday or Sunday (depending on O, which I'm not positive about since I didn't temp)
I have enjoyed the temping break, but I think I'll temp next cycle at least until O is confirmed.

2012 can suck it so far

It has been six months since that awful u/s. While I am doing better, I'm not better. If that makes any sense at all. I still cry myself to sleep sometimes. 2011 was by far the worst year of my life. I feel horrible saying that because Keith and I got engaged and married in 2011. But all of the underways in the midst of me getting pregnant, miscarrying, and grieving were so, so hard on me.
I really thought 2012 would be better. On December 28, I got another positive pregnancy test just two days after one of the greatest nights of my life (our wedding). I started off doubting that I would be able to have a baby in September. I think I was trying to protect myself with those thoughts. After we moved to CT a few days later, I started feeling hopeful. I let Keith touch my belly and I started fantasizing about the upcoming months. Then the tests never got darker. Then I got a negative test. Then I started bleeding. The day after I decided that I would allow myself to get excited and love my baby. If there's a god out there that really listens to people's thoughts and prayers, then fuck him for that.
I started the second day of the new year miscarrying my baby.
I have been grieving a bit differently this time. While I still have hurt and sadness, I mainly deal with anger/bitterness (if that's a word) and a lot of anxiety and questioning. I am scared to go through this again and again. I wanted a big family, but I don't know if I can do this 3-4 times.
I'm gonna update the look of this blog. I probably won't share it with anyone until we get far into a successful pregnancy though. I'm not sure I'm ready to let anyone in on my thoughts just yet, even strangers.

All I have to show for my second pregnancy

Maybe I'm ready

This post might not make much sense because it will be a bunch of my thoughts/feelings that I've been having the past month or so.

It has been 1 month and almost 2 weeks since I lost my baby.

I went to my appointment so nervous at 8w5d because Keith was at sea. I was somewhat optimistic because we saw that heartbeat. I thought for sure if I saw that heartbeat I was in the clear. I was very, very wrong.

I went in and peed in a cup like normal. I laid on that u/s table where I first teared up at the sight of my beautiful baby and his healthy heartbeat. The tech had the monitor facing her like she did the first time. The difference the second time? She never turned that monitor towards me after a minute or so. She asked me to stop breathing and moved the wand a little. She asked me to breathe normally and moved the wand. She asked me to stop again. My heart completely dropped. I knew what she couldn't find.. I don't know how many times after that that she asked me to hold my breath to make sure there was no heartbeat. She never said it, she didn't smile like she did the first time. She said she needed to step out and get the nurse. I started crying and she said "I guess you know why I'm getting the nurse." I sobbed... she laid her upper body on the table next to me and hugged me. She asked if there was anyone else here with me and I told her there wasn't. She went out to get the nurse and did a very quick repeat u/s. They asked me to get dressed and sit in a room and someone would be there in a minute.
I knew what was happening, I tried texting my mom and sister and grandma with no answer and my phone kept messing up. I got in touch with my coworker (I was supposed to go back to work) that had been through the same thing 5-6months prior. She kept texting me back saying she was sorry. The nurse came in and told me I could wait and miscarry naturally, have surgery (d&c) or take a medicine to make me miscarry and handed me some brochures.. I had to get bloodwork done. The lady that took my blood was so cheery until she saw me crying. Then I went home to my empty bed and cried and cried and cried. My mom came over and acted like she was going through what I was going through. Telling me how she's miscarried 93487r5398 times like that should make me feel reassured. Then my grandma came. I scheduled the d&c for the next day.

This is all I can really handle right now. I'll talk about my surgery and maybe after at another time. I'm tired and this is too much for right now. I miss my angel baby. I want him back so much..