Cycle 11

I don't have a bunch to say about this cycle since it just started.

I wanted to make an appointment for early next cycle for the basic blood work... but I found out my wonderfully responsible husband THOUGHT he enrolled me for his insurance and he didn't. It isn't effective now until July. Keith starts going underway in very early fall as far as we know. I might have some bloodwork done to make sure I don't have a thyroid problem (my mom and sister have it), but I won't be doing much more unless a doctor really suggests it. I obv won't be taking meds bc his schedule is so crazy that who knows if he'll be home during a FW or not. I feel awful and a lot of pressure bc we have 2-3 cycles to get KU after not a bit of luck in so long. I am starting a diet on Monday. Maybe that time will be great for me to get healthier. I also don't know how I'd feel about being pregnant when he's underway again. I can't do a miscarriage again while he's gone and I don't have my family near me. I think we need to evaluate whether we want to try these next few months tomorrow. When he is underway, they monitor the emails and may or may not edit/block an email giving news like that. I don't know if I can go though that alone. I'm going to go to bed and talk to Keith tomorrow when he gets off of work.

Cycle 10 in a nutshell

SEX SEX SEX HOPE HOPE HOPE SEX HOPE SEX OVULATION HOPE HOPE BFN BFN BFN

Come on cycle 11. I'm so over this. I'm having a pity me day today. 11 months and one day ago, I got my first BFP. A few days after that, I started this blog full of hope. The hope is in the shitter now.

Sorry for being a whiny Neg Nanc today.

How I am doing.

I have been pushed to write a bit from a few awesome people (:
Since I've been working again, I have been feeling much better. I have something else that consumes so much of my life and time. I have had hard times in the past when I didn't have anything to do like a job. I get too much in my head when I am left alone to wallow in whatever sadness my mind can create. So, I am happy to report.. that I am happier! I still have those crazy times when I'm overcome with grief and I break down. I still think about my baby and losses daily. I just seem to be at one of those peaks (if you can call it that..) in this roller coaster of a journey.
Sometimes I wonder how much I really want to aggressively TTC (OPKs, temping, timing sex to the FW) because I am very nervous about being pregnant again. Mainly, I feel very positive about my next pregnancy. I will try my hardest to explain it.. My first miscarriage was awful. I had so much doubt in the beginning, and then I had that positivity after the hb and it all fell to shit. With my second mc, I expected a miscarriage from day one. I had less than 12 hours of feeling positive about it that I didn't even give myself the chance to fall in love with the baby. I feel like both were different and were hopefully caused by different things. I hope so much that they were awful bad luck instead of a problem that I may have.
I sometimes feel guilty that each loss is different to me (as in one is much more traumatic). I told my sister about getting the elephant tattoo with one elephant being larger than the other. I told her that it was because the bigger one would be the big brother or sister to the second, and her response was, "oh good! I thought you wanted one smaller bc one was more important than the other!" My heart twinged with extreme guilt. Even though that had nothing to do with my tattoo, I really DO feel like one is more of my baby than the other. I never connected or, sadly, really loved my second. I don't know if that is normal. I try to tell myself that grief has no normal. I don't know why my sister, who has not had a miscarriage, made me feel bad about my own hurt.
I am on cycle 10 now. I'm pretty scared for this month to not work. I have one of those "milestones" (for lack of a more appropriate word) that I never wanted to touch next month. My June cycle of last year led to my first BFP with my sweet lost LO. I never thought that I'd be approaching that right now, just like I never thought I'd pass my first EDD without being pregnant for quite a while. There's not much I can do besides have sex like rabbits. We have had excellent timing since our loss in January.. I hope it happens soon. There's a lot of pressure this month. I got my 2nd BFP 5 months after my first loss. This month marks 5 months since my last..
Shit, I should have a 2 month old baby or be 22 weeks with my second baby. At least time seems to be passing by quickly.

Faithfully

I just wanted to share the song I walked down the aisle to. This song means so much to me. We picked it after having a really rough couple of months where Keith was gone more than he was home. Listening to it instantly puts me back in that moment with my dad and first seeing all of my friends and family and then seeing how incredibly handsome Keith looked. God.. that was the absolute best moment of my life. Right up there with seeing my little one on the u/s screen with that flickering little heart.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ALph_u2iee8

We chose the cover by Boyce Avenue just because it was a little slower

Faithfully by Journey
Highway run
Into the midnight sun
Wheels go round and round
You're on my mind

Restless hearts
Sleep alone tonight
Sending all my love along the wire
They say that the road
Ain't no place to start a family
Right down the line it's been you and me
And loving a music man
Ain't always what it's supposed to be
Oh Girl
You stand by me
I'm forever yours
Faithfully
Circus life
Under the big top world
We all need the clowns to make us smile

Through space and time
Always another show
Wondering where I am lost without you
And being apart ain't easy on this love affair
Two strangers learn to fall in love again
I get the joy of rediscovering you
Oh girl
You stand by me
I'm forever yours
Faithfully

Oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh
Oh oh oh oh oh oh
Faithfully
I'm still yours
I'm forever yours
Ever yours
Faithfully

 I can't wait to get the images on a CD instead of having the proofs :P

Valentine's Day

Here I am crying on Valentine's Day. What is wrong with me? I have a great husband, a nice townhouse, a great family at home, my sweet puppy cuddled up next to me. Why can't I be happy for what I have and stop longing for what I've lost? I should be about two weeks from holding my little one for the first time. Instead I'm sitting here grieving the loss. I've had a rough couple of weeks lately. This miscarriage business has seriously been a roller coaster. I was lower than I've ever been, then for a while I was coasting along and feeling almost normal again and then BAM! I'm back down super low. Crying about it isn't going to bring my baby back. I just want to move forward. Maybe once my EDD passes, I'll be able to be as happy as I was a few months ago. It really isn't fair to Keith. He tries so hard to make me happy. Hopefully he'll be home from work soon and I can get my mind off of everything.
This cycle is a bust and it's not even half way over. I made plans to go home for my sister's birthday which coincides with my O date. I leave Thursday night and return Tuesday morning with a probable O on Sunday. I'm a little bummed, but I'm excited to see my sister and nephew. Maybe I'll have a December baby instead of November. Plus, it'll be easier to go home and see Keith's family for the holidays if we don't have a newborn.
I'm gonna try to pep up and stay away from TB today. Maybe I'll watch a movie or something for the next two hours.

Tattoo

Something that I've wanted to do for a while now is get a new tattoo. It has been 2 years and some change since I got my last one. I've been waiting for an idea that means something to me. March 1st is our first baby's EDD and I think (if I'm not pregnant) that it'd be perfect to get a tattoo that day. I'm thinking somewhere on my back or rib cage on the left. I don't know if I want something to represent my baby or babies or if I want something to represent what I've been dealing with these past seven months. I feel very, very alone in my struggles and I think it'd be therapeutic to get one of these tattoos. I'm gonna post some pictures and ideas

This one means infinite love

 I already have a banksy tattoo on my back so I thought it'd be neat to add some of this other work. This would represent my struggles during this time

 Elephants represent a lot of things.. strength, family, etc. The most important thing to me is that elephants never forget

Our baby's EDD was in March. I've always used clovers and shamrocks to represent our baby because of St. Patrick's Day

 This is also banksy. I'm thinking of putting a clover in her hand and not having the balloon since I already have balloons

Another Banksy.

 I really like this one. I'd have two butterflies since we've had two losses. Butterflies are often used in miscarriage remembrance tattoos/jewelry/etc

I'd have two for each lost baby

This isn't Banksy but I really like it. I wouldn't get the color

 I like this one if it wasn't smiling and drawn a little neater. I think this one looks a bit sloppy but I like that it's holding the clover. I don't do color tattoos

Another Banksy. I'd go without the shopping cart :P

I would do a clover on one and IDK what I'd put in the other yet

 I would make an exception for my no color to get this. I'd get a clover instead of the hibiscus though

I like the simplicity of this one and I love the heart

I like that this one has a clover on it's back

This is a closer version of one I already put

Cheesy? Okay, I looove Harry Potter. Also, this is a bit symbolic for me. Expecto Patronum is the spell that gets rid of the dementors. I don't think I really need to explain how that can be symbolic

This is from Mary Tyler Moore. I just like it. It's pretty literal

Now I just don't know what I want.. I have so many options!

On jealousy

I am jealous. I feel so pathetic. I feel stupid for it. I feel sad for myself. Every time I see/hear a pregnancy announcement, my heart skips a beat. I just want to cry. I know other people aren't "taking" my baby or my turn at being a mom. I know I don't know their struggles (if they had any TTC), but I assume that they had no trouble and no pain. It hurts to see someone else get what I want so badly. I need to get with the program here. This last miscarriage has ruined my patience and turned me into the green-eyed monster.