Monday, October 15, 2012

October 15th

I knew I wanted to write something for my lost babies today because it is miscarriage, stillbirth, and infant loss Remembrance Day. Honestly, I'm at a loss for words so I'm just going to ramble for a bit.

I feel sad, conflicted, guilty, and a whole slew of emotions about today. I guess I'll address the conflicted and guilty first:
Today, I am pregnant and I am head over heels for a little girl that I wouldn't have the pleasure of calling my daughter if I hadn't lost my other two babies. I don't even know if there is an appropriate way to feel right now, but I feel like it is wrong to be thankful for something that tore out parts of my heart that I will never recover. I feel like it is wrong to grieve two babies that, if I had either one of, would negate the existence of something/someone that I love and cherish so much. I guess that's where my head is today. I feel sad AND thankful because I have Jillian today, but I don't have my March 12 or Sept 12 babies in my arms.

I am who I am today because of the losses of my babies. I'm quite a bit more guarded, a little stronger, more pessimistic, more appreciative, a little bit sadder, and a bit more mature. There isn't a day that passes that I don't think of those two babies. I guess I'm just at a point now where I can't wish them back anymore. I will never be able to fill the holes left by their losses, but I wouldn't trade Jillian for anything. I can't imagine my life without her in my future. I know that nothing is guaranteed and I worry about losing her as well every single day of this pregnancy, but even if I lost her, I wouldn't go back and wish this experience or her short existence away for one of my babies back.

I know this post is a bunch of rambling. I know pretty much no one reads my blog (which I'm totally fine with). I just wanted to get out these thoughts on the off chance that someone else feels alone because of such conflicting feelings during pregnancy after loss or even parenting after loss. I don't know if how I feel or what I wrote will even make sense to anyone else, but I hope that even if a reader cannot relate, that they know that it is okay to grieve in any way they can and want. Your feelings don't have to fit into a cookie cutter.

Anyways, enough of my rambling. I will be lighting a candle tonight for the lost babies. Check out october15th.com for the details

Saturday, October 13, 2012

19w0d

Not much going on this week. I have been feeling better and less congested. I had a mini episode today in Jo-ann's where I thought I was going to pass out, but I didn't thankfully. I actually just came home and had a bunch of water and laid down for about an hour and I was fine. I cleaned for the first time in a long time. It is pretty sad how bad I've let the house get. It's going to take me a while to get it looking better. Downstairs is done except for mopping and the small bathroom. Upstairs scares me to think about it..

I brought Jill's things downstairs so I could spread it all out and fold it. I took some pics. I apologize in advance for the awful red carpet. We rented this house bc we thought we'd be here for only 4 months (it turned into at least a year and 4 months..)
The large items on the left are sleep sacks, swaddle blankets, and snow suits. The rest are all onesies, shirts, pants, and sleepers and maybe like 4-5 dresses
My diaper stash is crazy to look at all spread out on the floor:
OS

NB
I'm still waiting on my glowbugs, sunbabies, and a few misc diapers I have bought and included in previous stash updates (I think I included them :P)

A/s is Thursday!

How far along? 19w0d!
Total weight gain/loss? Still haven't replaced the scale
Maternity clothes? I love my maternity clothes, but I still wear pre-pregnancy shirts
Stretch marks? Same stretch mark city on my back and sides.
Sleep? I could sleep all day still.
Best moment last week? Jill kicked me a lot yesterday and today after I worried about the movement not really increasing
Movement? I feel her at least once a day, but usually 2-4 times (I mean like mini "sessions" of her kicking and moving.. not just one kick a day)
Food cravings? Blimpies. I still don't have any strong cravings.
Gender? GIRL!
Belly button in/out? In for a long time. It's stretching a bit though.
What I miss: Having my body to myself
What I am looking forward to: My anatomy scan! I'd love to see Jill again and get her measurements
Milestones: None really this week. Half baked next Saturday!

Add caption
Thursday at 18w5d

Saturday, October 6, 2012

18w0d

::Looks at post title again.. Is that right?!::
WTF!? How on earth am I that far along? How is it possible that I am sitting here obsessively looking on CD b/s/t groups while Jillian is happily kicking the laptop that is resting on my belly? The little booger is getting bigger and stronger. I have felt her several times on the outside, but Keith is never around when she's kicking lol. She must be a mama's girl!

This week was interesting.. Sunday was loads of fun! I finally made it out to NYC to meet up with some awesome girls! Thankfully, they were all super sweet and understanding that I wasn't up for a multiple mile hike through the city. We ate, shopped a little, and talked a bunch!
crammy, gg, jbm, me
Sunday night I started getting a bit of a sore throat. I figured I just over-did it that day and I'd be fine. Monday I woke up miserable with a worse sore throat. Tuesday turned into stuffy and runny nose, achey body, very uncomfortable/painful sinuses, a tiny bit of nausea, and the sore throat. Wednesday was all of that but 10x more painful/uncomfortable. I was absolutely miserable. I checked my temp regularly throughout the day and it stayed in the normal range (below 98 which seems typical for me). I attempted to sleep that night and finally got up around 4am and took my temp. It was 100.93. I started googling (and I more than learned my lesson about this.. it tells you basically that you and/or baby is doomed) which resulted in me calling the on-call doctor. He told me not to bother doing anything. I had a minor freak out bc the internet kept telling me to call immediately if experiencing flu symptoms OR a temp over 100.4 and I had both.. I finally went to sleep.. for 12 hours and woke up with a normal temp again and that feeling you get when you're getting over a cold. Now I just have the stuffy nose and that gross cough from the nasties that were clogging up my sinuses giving me so much pain. I learned to never look at google. I simply wanted to know what was considered a fever when you're pregnant so I googled "fever while pregnant" and the whole first page said things about fevers during pregnancy linked to autism and spina bifida. I didn't click into them and I plan to try my best to trust that baby Jill is okay in there.

Keith surprised me yesterday with the Coach diaper bag that I've been eying for a few weeks! It went on sale at the NEX and it was the last one so he picked it up! Now I have to stare at it longingly until March bc it is WAY too big to pass off as a purse and I'd never be able to fill it with non-baby items unless I carried the dog in it!
I also got in the nb bg's!
 I did buy another cloth diaper.. or 3.. I had to :P
NB cover

NB blueberry pocket diaper
OS HP cover.. OMG
Our anatomy scan is just a little under 2 weeks away! I really hope Jill is still a girl and that she's healthy and at least average sized (: Keith laughed when I asked if he could make it.. his work has been super crazy and it is unlikely that he'll be able to get off ): I really don't even know how the appt will work. The appointment is scheduled with a tech and not one of my regular doctors, so I'm not sure if I'll get any results right then or if I'll have to wait and consult with the doctor. I guess I should have asked that when I scheduled it, but it didn't really cross my mind at the time.

How far along? 18w0d!
Total weight gain/loss? Our scale broke :P I seriously have no idea about my weight and it's kind of liberating after worrying about it for so long
Maternity clothes? I love my maternity jeans. IDK if I'd fit comfortably into my regular jeans since I haven't looked back after buying the full panel maternity jeans
Stretch marks? Same stretch mark city on my back and sides.
Sleep? I could sleep all day still.
Best moment last week? Jillian's kicks getting stronger
Movement? I feel her a little more every few days (:
Food cravings? Blimpies. I still don't have any strong cravings.
Gender? GIRL!
Belly button in/out? In for a long time. It's stretching a bit though.
What I miss: I'm gonna have to go back to booze :P
What I am looking forward to: My anatomy scan! I'd love to see Jill again and get her measurements
Milestones: Feeling movement!

17w5d

Tuesday, October 2, 2012

I need an intervention

I am not sure I want to look through my paypal history to see every cloth diaper I have purchased for Jillian in the past week, but I will :P 

WAHM pocket -used from a swap

Sunbaby pocket new from a co-op

Sunbaby pocket new from co-op
Sunbaby pocket new from co-op

6 BG NB AIOs (not the blue ones) -used from a swap

Custom pocket from Cutesy Tushies http://www.etsy.com/shop/CutesyTushies

Boogie Bums fitted -used from Spot's Corner (looks new in the pics but says it's used)

Chloe's Cloth fitted -used once from Spot's Corner (looks totally brand new)

mamamade? fitted -used from Spot's corner (also looks to be in great condition)

Glow Bug pocket new from co-op

Glow Bug pocket new from co-op
Rockin'Robbies AI2/cover new from Spot's

Rockin'Robbies AI2/cover new from Spot's


Stash update (once I get in these diapers that are on the way):
Newborn:
1 - cover
6 - NB AIOs
(pretty sad, huh? I plan on getting quite a few more covers (maybe 5?) and a crap-ton of prefolds)

OS Collection:
12 - BG 4.0 pockets
4 - Applecheeks pockets
2 - Glow Bug pockets
3 - Sunbaby pockets
3 - Alva pockets
1 - Cutesy Tushies pocket
6 - BG freetimes (AIOs)
3 - Rockin'Robbies AI2's/covers
4 - various brands of fitteds
(Holy shit I have 38 OS diapers bought and paid for.. I think I'm going to try to get my hands on a few more fitteds and then I'm done unless some crazy good deal comes up or there's a print I just HAVE to have.. like HP diapers. I definitely need inserts as well since a bunch of my used or seconds dipes came without)

I hope Keith never sees this post.. lol Thankfully, I have only paid full-price for maybe 3 diapers (the two RR's above (well.. they were on "sale" but only 2 bucks cheaper than her normal prices) and the HP from cutsey). The rest have all been purchased used or in discounted lots (or both)

17w1d

This has been a busy week! I'm writing some of this on Friday and I'll publish it with my full update and bump pic on my ticker change day (hopefully if I get around to it!)

Random: This second trimester seems to be flying by so far!

I started feeling baby Jill a bit in the beginning of week 15. I felt her again for sure the following Thursday (so I would have been 15w5d). I didn't feel her much all weekend though. Then Monday we had our u/s and found out she was facing my back. I figure that's why I wasn't feeling her. She started kicking away again definitely Wednesday night and I've been feeling her intermittently since. It started off as this weird tapping when I was laying on my side. I rolled over to my other side and it felt like butterflies. Since, it's mainly been the light tapping. I've had a few thumps more recently.

On Wednesday, I left to PA to visit my Oma in the hospital. She had surgery on her knees. I left to come back Thursday morning and Jill decided she'd kick my bladder pretty regularly for about 30 minutes at the beginning of my trip.. My daughter is so sweet and considerate! Finally I stopped feeling her. Towards the end of the 4.5-5 hour trip, she woke up I guess and continued kicked my bladder and sometimes I'd feel some pretty strong thumps under my belly button. Just as I was typing that last sentence, she kicked the laptop that's resting on my lower belly :P

I had my regular check up Friday. It was uneventful. The nurse seemed concerned about my weight loss (it has been 4 weeks since they've weighed me last) but my doctor said he's not worried about it. Jillian's hr was in the 140s and my uterus is right below my belly button. Anatomy scan is Oct 18! I'll be two days short of 20w!


How far along? 17w1d!
Total weight gain/loss? Our scale broke :P
Maternity clothes? I love my maternity jeans. They aren't necessary, but they're so comfy!
Stretch marks? Same stretch mark city on my back and sides.
Sleep? I could sleep all day still.
Best moment last week? Finding out I'm having a baby girl!
Movement? I feel her a little more every few days (:
Food cravings? Blimpies. I still don't have any strong cravings.
Gender? GIRL!
Belly button in/out? In for a long time. It's stretching a bit though.
What I miss: Not feeling sick every other day (I guess I should be thankful it's not as constant as before.. right?)
What I am looking forward to: My anatomy scan! I'd love to see Jill again and get her measurements
Milestones: Feeling movement!


Friday, September 28, 2012

Elective u/s and Diaper stash update

WARNING: I'm posting a crap-ton of pics and some potty shots (; I also apologize in advance if this doesn't flow well and for length. It has been an exciting week. I will try to reserve some things for my weekly update on Saturday.

Monday night we went to the elective u/s place. First off, this place was super nice! They had super comfy chairs, TVs, the bed I laid on was a bed/couch thing instead of a doctor's office table, there were pillows everywhere, mood lighting (I shit you not.. it was pretty dim in the u/s room :P), warmed gel for the u/s, a huge ass big screen to watch the u/s on, etc. At this point, I wasn't very confident in my early prediction/intuition/whatever of LO being a girl. I found myself looking at boy stuff a lot online and calling LO he when I got to lazy to say "he or she."

So it starts: I get up on this fancy couch/table/bed thingy and the tech starts the u/s. She goes straight for the goods view and the stinking cord was between baby's legs! My heart kind of sank because I figured we wouldn't be able to tell the sex. Baby wasn't moving much because it was sleeping. After trying to see what was going on with the goods, she pushed a bunch on my belly to see if baby would move and kick up the cord. His/her feet were straight out with the ankles crossed. Baby wouldn't budge!

The tech then moved to see if we could at least see some of the face.. Damn child had its face in the placenta snuggling (the child sleeps pretty much exactly like I do). I tried to remain positive, but I figured the tech would just turn to me and say, "Oh well! Better luck next time!" Thankfully, she didn't. She was willing to work. She gave me a bunch of chocolate covered animal crackers to hopefully wake the baby up some. She had me roll over on each side trying to see if baby would move or we could get a better view.

FINALLY, baby moved just a smidge. I guess rolling from side to side made the cord float up enough where we could see in between the legs without getting cord shots. IT'S A GIRL! I am/was/probably will continue to be super surprised and excited. I kept picturing us with a little boy!

Before I go on about girl blah blah blah: The tech then moved up to see if we could get some cute face pics in the 3d/4d. Baby still didn't want to move much and she was pretty close to the placenta still. We didn't get any cool profiles in the regular 2d, but we got some pretty cute shots of our little girl snuggling (: That ultrasound was worth every cent of the 100 bucks we spent. Even though it didn't go perfectly, it was still the coolest thing I have ever experienced and I'm so so so happy with how it all turned out (plus, we get another peek in a month or so and will hopefully get some cute profile pics of her face).

When we left the place, Keith was pretty quiet. I'm pretty sure I had a permanent grin on my face, but Keith kept making jokes about how we'd give her back and try for a boy instead and all of this stuff. I know he was just in a bit of shock (he always makes jokes when he's uncomfortable) and was trying to be cute/funny, but it really made me upset that he wasn't thrilled at the thought of having a daughter. I called family and I got a mix of reactions from "cool" (my dad's words) to pretty excited. No one was jumping up and screaming though (which now is fine with me, but at the time, I just wanted ONE person to share in my excitement with me). That, paired with Keith's reaction, kind of dampened my mood some.  I wanted Keith to feel as excited as I was. It was an awkward 45 minute drive home for me.

Once we got home, Keith called his grandmother to tell her the news. We're naming Jillian after her. His grandma's name is Rosemary and Jillian is little Jillian Rose (: She apparently was super thrilled (I didn't get to hear her reaction bc I was on the phone with my sister). After that, Keith kind of changed. All of a sudden he seemed in a great mood and kept saying he was excited. We announced Jillian's sex and name on facebook and he made his own little announcement.
Now he kisses my belly and tells Jillian how much he loves her. It's making me all teary-eyed even thinking about him. It's silly, but I think it's so sweet how he calls her his daughter. He just calls me "baby's house" lol. I guess it's all about Jill now (:

I have been having a bit of trouble connecting this pregnancy. I've let myself get excited a bit and I've loved baby from day one, but I kind of keep my distance in some ways emotionally. All of that is out of the window. I am head over heels for my baby girl. I couldn't possibly love her any more it seems. I think about her all of the time. I even went on a mini road trip and the whole time I was just worried about getting in an accident bc I didn't want anything to happen to my little girl. In the beginning of this pregnancy, I thought it'd be really cool to be team green and find out baby's sex at delivery. I am SO glad I didn't. For some reason, calling her by name and knowing she has a vagina makes her more real to me. It has helped me fall completely in love.

Anyways, the mushy part is over. Here are some shots of my baby girl!:
This one you can see what the tech said are her "three lines"

Sometimes this shot makes me second-guess it all. From other u/s's at 16w, the penis is much more substantial though, so I'm trying not to let it worry me :P The tech seemed totally certain Jill is a she and even pointed on the 4d where we'd see the penis if there was one.

Here you can see the cord, part of the beginning of a leg, then her two little arms

This is our favorite pic of Jillian. So cute!

This one is funny and reminds me of me :P I hate being disturbed when I'm sleeping!

The blob is placenta

This is exactly how I sleep (:



Now onto Jill's fluffy bum stash update (:


 In the photo above, I have a row of {6}Bumgenius freetimes (AIOs) in snaps but you can hardly see clementine in the back, a row of {6} BG 4.0s (pockets) in hook and loop (velcro), {1} NB size Bummis Super Whisper wrap (the polka dotted cover at the bottom of row 2) obv not a part of my OS stash, {6} BG 4.0s in snap that include (from front to back) Clementine, two Albert prints, two Sassy, and Ribbit, {1} HP AI2 dipe/cover (I'm on row 4 now), {3} custom Alva's (pocket diapers with a four row adjustable rise, double gussets, snap in inserts with pockets at the front and back of the diaper) in rock print, a blue star and baseball print minky, and a black (all with colorful snaps that make it easier to remember what setting your baby is at).
I have the diapers below already paid for but are on their way to me (:
I went in with a friend on this lot. I will get one Dark Chocolate, one Cherry Tomato, One Rasberry Sorbet, and one St. Lucia (4 total -brown, red, pink, blue)
This pretty thing is my first intentional girl purchase (I went in on that lot above and the girl already had the pink so she gave it to me) I am so psyched to see this baby in person!
All-in-all, I have 27 diapers in my one size collection.. Holy shit :P I'm really proud that I have such a gender neutral collection, but I think I'll fill the rest with girly stuff (: I think I'm going to aim for about 40 diapers per the recommendation of some other CDing moms (:

Bonus, here's a mid-week bump shot :P I'll probably take a new one Saturday for my update
Wednesday at 16w4d

Saturday, September 22, 2012

16w0d

This is pretty much the same as last week :P


How far along? 16w0d!
Total weight gain/loss? Holding it down at 121 thankfully!.
Maternity clothes? I bought some maternity jeans today. I don't need them, but it is uncomfortable to sit in my jeans now
Stretch marks? Same stretch mark city on my back and sides.
Sleep? I could sleep all day still.
Best moment last week? Meh, it was just another week. Nothing horrible and nothing great.
Movement? I felt baby for sure two nights ago! So cool!
Food cravings? Blimpies. I still don't have any strong cravings.
Gender? No effing clue, but we find out Monday!!
Belly button in/out? In for a long time. It's stretching a bit though.
What I miss: alcohol
What I am looking forward to: Finding out if LO is a boy or girl!
Milestones: I haven't really hit any real milestones in a bit. Every week, I get all excited that I'm x number of weeks along.