Happy tears

This morning I woke up with so much anxiety. I have really struggled with this weight loss crap (which I'm sure you can tell if you've been following since the beginning of my pregnancy) and I had convinced myself I hurt my baby. I was crying and shaking with fear. I guess I've been waiting for the other shoe to drop. It's hard to believe that I'd be lucky enough to have a healthy take home baby in a few months. Keith wasn't able to go with me and my friend that I'd feel comfortable asking is out of town visiting her family.

I got to the doctor's office 30 freaking minutes early and sat in my car shaking trying to work up the courage to go in and look like a normal human being. I went in a little over 15 minutes early and they only had me wait in the waiting room for 3 minutes tops. They took me back way before my appointment time! I also didn't have to step on the scale before the appt which I'm sure would have made me worry even more. I laid right down and the tech got to work. She looked at the brain, measured the head, looked at the bladder and kidneys, measured my cervix, tooks pictures of the placenta (which she labeled as anterior). She went really in depth looking at the heart to make sure it had all four ventricles and connected properly to whatever it is supposed to connect to lol. She kept saying how beautiful the heart and ventricles were.

She asked me if I wanted to know the sex. I said, "yes" and I didn't tell her that I had an elective. I wanted an unbiased opinion. Jill showed us the three little lines! No penis in sight!

She measured 10 ounces which the tech said is great for how far along I am. I'm going to take her word for it because they consider me almost a week further along. She didn't tell me any length measurements, but I caught a glimpse on the screen and her leg measured 19w4d (I'm 19w5d today). That was enough to make me feel so incredibly relieved!

I was done with the scan 5 minutes after my original appointment time! I cried when I got to the car. I HAVE A HEALTHY BABY GIRL! The other shoe didn't drop yet. Everything is how it should be. I love my little leech. I'm so glad Jill took nutrients for herself before I got them lol. I didn't hurt my baby. My appetite is back and my nausea is minimal so if things continue to go this way, I should have a healthy and normal-sized little girl in a little over 4 months! Holy shit! I am on cloud nine!

her little foot!

Bump comparison

So I have noticed very little growth of the bump over the past 4-5 weeks (and before that I had no bump really). I am going to attribute my freaking out to the fact that I have my anatomy scan tomorrow and I'm worry about Jill being big enough.. I'm probably just crazy and I'd freak out anyways, but we'll use the a/s as an excuse.

It looks a little higher, but it really doesn't look any bigger to me. One day, I might not look for something to worry about..

October 15th

I knew I wanted to write something for my lost babies today because it is miscarriage, stillbirth, and infant loss Remembrance Day. Honestly, I'm at a loss for words so I'm just going to ramble for a bit.

I feel sad, conflicted, guilty, and a whole slew of emotions about today. I guess I'll address the conflicted and guilty first:
Today, I am pregnant and I am head over heels for a little girl that I wouldn't have the pleasure of calling my daughter if I hadn't lost my other two babies. I don't even know if there is an appropriate way to feel right now, but I feel like it is wrong to be thankful for something that tore out parts of my heart that I will never recover. I feel like it is wrong to grieve two babies that, if I had either one of, would negate the existence of something/someone that I love and cherish so much. I guess that's where my head is today. I feel sad AND thankful because I have Jillian today, but I don't have my March 12 or Sept 12 babies in my arms.

I am who I am today because of the losses of my babies. I'm quite a bit more guarded, a little stronger, more pessimistic, more appreciative, a little bit sadder, and a bit more mature. There isn't a day that passes that I don't think of those two babies. I guess I'm just at a point now where I can't wish them back anymore. I will never be able to fill the holes left by their losses, but I wouldn't trade Jillian for anything. I can't imagine my life without her in my future. I know that nothing is guaranteed and I worry about losing her as well every single day of this pregnancy, but even if I lost her, I wouldn't go back and wish this experience or her short existence away for one of my babies back.

I know this post is a bunch of rambling. I know pretty much no one reads my blog (which I'm totally fine with). I just wanted to get out these thoughts on the off chance that someone else feels alone because of such conflicting feelings during pregnancy after loss or even parenting after loss. I don't know if how I feel or what I wrote will even make sense to anyone else, but I hope that even if a reader cannot relate, that they know that it is okay to grieve in any way they can and want. Your feelings don't have to fit into a cookie cutter.

Anyways, enough of my rambling. I will be lighting a candle tonight for the lost babies. Check out october15th.com for the details

19w0d

Not much going on this week. I have been feeling better and less congested. I had a mini episode today in Jo-ann's where I thought I was going to pass out, but I didn't thankfully. I actually just came home and had a bunch of water and laid down for about an hour and I was fine. I cleaned for the first time in a long time. It is pretty sad how bad I've let the house get. It's going to take me a while to get it looking better. Downstairs is done except for mopping and the small bathroom. Upstairs scares me to think about it..

I brought Jill's things downstairs so I could spread it all out and fold it. I took some pics. I apologize in advance for the awful red carpet. We rented this house bc we thought we'd be here for only 4 months (it turned into at least a year and 4 months..)

The large items on the left are sleep sacks, swaddle blankets, and snow suits. The rest are all onesies, shirts, pants, and sleepers and maybe like 4-5 dresses

My diaper stash is crazy to look at all spread out on the floor:

OS

NB

I'm still waiting on my glowbugs, sunbabies, and a few misc diapers I have bought and included in previous stash updates (I think I included them :P)

A/s is Thursday!

How far along? 19w0d!
Total weight gain/loss? Still haven't replaced the scale
Maternity clothes? I love my maternity clothes, but I still wear pre-pregnancy shirts
Stretch marks? Same stretch mark city on my back and sides.
Sleep? I could sleep all day still.
Best moment last week? Jill kicked me a lot yesterday and today after I worried about the movement not really increasing
Movement? I feel her at least once a day, but usually 2-4 times (I mean like mini "sessions" of her kicking and moving.. not just one kick a day)
Food cravings? Blimpies. I still don't have any strong cravings.
Gender? GIRL!
Belly button in/out? In for a long time. It's stretching a bit though.
What I miss: Having my body to myself
What I am looking forward to: My anatomy scan! I'd love to see Jill again and get her measurements
Milestones: None really this week. Half baked next Saturday!

Add caption

Thursday at 18w5d

18w0d

::Looks at post title again.. Is that right?!::
WTF!? How on earth am I that far along? How is it possible that I am sitting here obsessively looking on CD b/s/t groups while Jillian is happily kicking the laptop that is resting on my belly? The little booger is getting bigger and stronger. I have felt her several times on the outside, but Keith is never around when she's kicking lol. She must be a mama's girl!

This week was interesting.. Sunday was loads of fun! I finally made it out to NYC to meet up with some awesome girls! Thankfully, they were all super sweet and understanding that I wasn't up for a multiple mile hike through the city. We ate, shopped a little, and talked a bunch!

crammy, gg, jbm, me

Sunday night I started getting a bit of a sore throat. I figured I just over-did it that day and I'd be fine. Monday I woke up miserable with a worse sore throat. Tuesday turned into stuffy and runny nose, achey body, very uncomfortable/painful sinuses, a tiny bit of nausea, and the sore throat. Wednesday was all of that but 10x more painful/uncomfortable. I was absolutely miserable. I checked my temp regularly throughout the day and it stayed in the normal range (below 98 which seems typical for me). I attempted to sleep that night and finally got up around 4am and took my temp. It was 100.93. I started googling (and I more than learned my lesson about this.. it tells you basically that you and/or baby is doomed) which resulted in me calling the on-call doctor. He told me not to bother doing anything. I had a minor freak out bc the internet kept telling me to call immediately if experiencing flu symptoms OR a temp over 100.4 and I had both.. I finally went to sleep.. for 12 hours and woke up with a normal temp again and that feeling you get when you're getting over a cold. Now I just have the stuffy nose and that gross cough from the nasties that were clogging up my sinuses giving me so much pain. I learned to never look at google. I simply wanted to know what was considered a fever when you're pregnant so I googled "fever while pregnant" and the whole first page said things about fevers during pregnancy linked to autism and spina bifida. I didn't click into them and I plan to try my best to trust that baby Jill is okay in there.

Keith surprised me yesterday with the Coach diaper bag that I've been eying for a few weeks! It went on sale at the NEX and it was the last one so he picked it up! Now I have to stare at it longingly until March bc it is WAY too big to pass off as a purse and I'd never be able to fill it with non-baby items unless I carried the dog in it!

I also got in the nb bg's!

 I did buy another cloth diaper.. or 3.. I had to :P

NB cover

NB blueberry pocket diaper

OS HP cover.. OMG

Our anatomy scan is just a little under 2 weeks away! I really hope Jill is still a girl and that she's healthy and at least average sized (: Keith laughed when I asked if he could make it.. his work has been super crazy and it is unlikely that he'll be able to get off ): I really don't even know how the appt will work. The appointment is scheduled with a tech and not one of my regular doctors, so I'm not sure if I'll get any results right then or if I'll have to wait and consult with the doctor. I guess I should have asked that when I scheduled it, but it didn't really cross my mind at the time.

How far along? 18w0d!
Total weight gain/loss? Our scale broke :P I seriously have no idea about my weight and it's kind of liberating after worrying about it for so long
Maternity clothes? I love my maternity jeans. IDK if I'd fit comfortably into my regular jeans since I haven't looked back after buying the full panel maternity jeans
Stretch marks? Same stretch mark city on my back and sides.
Sleep? I could sleep all day still.
Best moment last week? Jillian's kicks getting stronger
Movement? I feel her a little more every few days (:
Food cravings? Blimpies. I still don't have any strong cravings.
Gender? GIRL!
Belly button in/out? In for a long time. It's stretching a bit though.
What I miss: I'm gonna have to go back to booze :P
What I am looking forward to: My anatomy scan! I'd love to see Jill again and get her measurements
Milestones: Feeling movement!

17w5d

I need an intervention

I am not sure I want to look through my paypal history to see every cloth diaper I have purchased for Jillian in the past week, but I will :P 

WAHM pocket -used from a swap

Sunbaby pocket new from a co-op

Sunbaby pocket new from co-op

Sunbaby pocket new from co-op

6 BG NB AIOs (not the blue ones) -used from a swap

Custom pocket from Cutesy Tushies http://www.etsy.com/shop/CutesyTushies

Boogie Bums fitted -used from Spot's Corner (looks new in the pics but says it's used)

Chloe's Cloth fitted -used once from Spot's Corner (looks totally brand new)

mamamade? fitted -used from Spot's corner (also looks to be in great condition)

Glow Bug pocket new from co-op

Glow Bug pocket new from co-op

Rockin'Robbies AI2/cover new from Spot's

Rockin'Robbies AI2/cover new from Spot's

Stash update (once I get in these diapers that are on the way):
Newborn:
1 - cover
6 - NB AIOs
(pretty sad, huh? I plan on getting quite a few more covers (maybe 5?) and a crap-ton of prefolds)

OS Collection:
12 - BG 4.0 pockets
4 - Applecheeks pockets
2 - Glow Bug pockets
3 - Sunbaby pockets
3 - Alva pockets
1 - Cutesy Tushies pocket
6 - BG freetimes (AIOs)
3 - Rockin'Robbies AI2's/covers
4 - various brands of fitteds
(Holy shit I have 38 OS diapers bought and paid for.. I think I'm going to try to get my hands on a few more fitteds and then I'm done unless some crazy good deal comes up or there's a print I just HAVE to have.. like HP diapers. I definitely need inserts as well since a bunch of my used or seconds dipes came without)

I hope Keith never sees this post.. lol Thankfully, I have only paid full-price for maybe 3 diapers (the two RR's above (well.. they were on "sale" but only 2 bucks cheaper than her normal prices) and the HP from cutsey). The rest have all been purchased used or in discounted lots (or both)

17w1d

This has been a busy week! I'm writing some of this on Friday and I'll publish it with my full update and bump pic on my ticker change day (hopefully if I get around to it!)

Random: This second trimester seems to be flying by so far!

I started feeling baby Jill a bit in the beginning of week 15. I felt her again for sure the following Thursday (so I would have been 15w5d). I didn't feel her much all weekend though. Then Monday we had our u/s and found out she was facing my back. I figure that's why I wasn't feeling her. She started kicking away again definitely Wednesday night and I've been feeling her intermittently since. It started off as this weird tapping when I was laying on my side. I rolled over to my other side and it felt like butterflies. Since, it's mainly been the light tapping. I've had a few thumps more recently.

On Wednesday, I left to PA to visit my Oma in the hospital. She had surgery on her knees. I left to come back Thursday morning and Jill decided she'd kick my bladder pretty regularly for about 30 minutes at the beginning of my trip.. My daughter is so sweet and considerate! Finally I stopped feeling her. Towards the end of the 4.5-5 hour trip, she woke up I guess and continued kicked my bladder and sometimes I'd feel some pretty strong thumps under my belly button. Just as I was typing that last sentence, she kicked the laptop that's resting on my lower belly :P

I had my regular check up Friday. It was uneventful. The nurse seemed concerned about my weight loss (it has been 4 weeks since they've weighed me last) but my doctor said he's not worried about it. Jillian's hr was in the 140s and my uterus is right below my belly button. Anatomy scan is Oct 18! I'll be two days short of 20w!


How far along? 17w1d!
Total weight gain/loss? Our scale broke :P
Maternity clothes? I love my maternity jeans. They aren't necessary, but they're so comfy!
Stretch marks? Same stretch mark city on my back and sides.
Sleep? I could sleep all day still.
Best moment last week? Finding out I'm having a baby girl!
Movement? I feel her a little more every few days (:
Food cravings? Blimpies. I still don't have any strong cravings.
Gender? GIRL!
Belly button in/out? In for a long time. It's stretching a bit though.
What I miss: Not feeling sick every other day (I guess I should be thankful it's not as constant as before.. right?)
What I am looking forward to: My anatomy scan! I'd love to see Jill again and get her measurements
Milestones: Feeling movement!