21w1d

I know I say this pretty much every other week.. but really?! 21 fucking weeks?! Where have the last 4 months of my life gone?! I seriously hope the next 4 months go just as fast. I'm sure my birthday, going home for a few weeks, Thanksgiving, going to Chicago for Christmas, and New Years will at least make the next two fly.. then I'm sure time will stop right before Jillian is due to arrive :P

I had my regular check up Friday. I went in with a positive attitude. I've been pigging out lately. I've been feeling great. NO WAY have I not gained weight.. right?! right?! Yeah.. I haven't gained a single fucking pound. I know people keep telling me I'm not hurting Jillian. I know I am eating as much as I can. I don't really know how to describe the way I feel or why I feel this way, but I'll give it a go.

I am the kind of person that loves to research anything and everything. I read all of the pregnancy books, the apps, the websites, etc. Every single one of them tells me I should be up roughly 10lb right now. Every single one says towards 20 weeks, you should start gaining a pound a week. I know my doctor isn't panicking, but it is really scary for me. I feel like I'm failing my daughter. I feel like it'll hurt her down the line. I'm just outright scared that my body doesn't seem to be working like the typical pregnant woman's body. Yes, the anecdotal stories of how someone lost weight and had a big, healthy baby do really make me feel better. But, and it's a big "but," I cannot get that nagging scary feeling out of the back (who am I kidding?) FRONT of my mind. I don't really know if it's a PgAL thing. I don't know if it is because I am the world's biggest pessimist. I just know that I want my daughter to be healthy and strong and I want to be able to provide the best and as much for her as I can.

Anyways, the nurse weighed me. She asked me if I've been eating okay or feeling better. She was way more positive this time than last (she scared me with how concerned she acted last appt at 16w). My bp was fine. I had some protein in my urine, but it was probably nothing since my urine was so concentrated (I always get the morning appts).

The doctor came in and asked me if I had any concerns. I told him I was concerned about the weight loss and now that I'm not gaining a single thing. He said he wasn't concerned, but he wanted me to aim for the one pound a week from here on out. He looked at my charts and stuff and I glimpsed at the measurements listed on the a/s results. They were all 19w-19w5d (I was 19w5d at the scan). He said there weren't any remarkable notes on my results and that everything looked fine. Jill's hb was good and my uterus was where he expected it. It's the first time they measured it (as opposed to just feeling where it is), but he didn't tell me the measurements. I got my flu shot and I went on my way.

I went home and slept. I felt (and still feel) really defeated and upset. I'm not as upset as I was Friday, but as you can see above, I'm still clearly worried.

Other than my appointment, my week was pretty uneventful. I have a special Halloween version of my bump this week (I'll share a few pics)

How far along? 21w1d!
Total weight gain/loss? Down 20lb and haven't started going in the other direction yet..
Maternity clothes? I mix my old clothes with maternity clothes
Stretch marks? No new ones
Sleep? I could sleep all day still.
Best moment last week? Jill had a few pretty active days which were pretty cool
Movement? I think movement is increasing a bit, but not substantially
Food cravings? Cheese fries or queso
Gender? GIRL!
Belly button in/out? In for a long time. It's stretching a bit though.
What I miss: Booze
What I am looking forward to: My birthday.. lol I know it isn't baby-related
Milestones: I'm really looking forward to viability day at 24 weeks

20w4d - My bump looked pretty big like it popped (and got pointy lol)

20w6d - Pikachu bump! I guess Jill moved bc I'm not as pointy and large even just a few days later

Keith was Ash Ketchum and I was Pikachu. This was before I painted my cheeks and attached my tail

20w2d

I don't really have any updates since I had a huge one earlier this week. I've been feeling great and eating a bunch! I hope that I've put on some weight by my appointment next Friday.

I made some cloth wipes for Jillian. They are 8x8 and will fit in regular wipes containers folded in half. One side is a flannel print and the other is pink terry cloth. I have 2 more prints (blue with crowns and purple polka dots with skulls and peace signs) that aren't pictured for a total of 48 wipes! I had fun.

 Next, I think I'm going to attempt a crib skirt. I really want to do a Harry Potter nursery. I think I'm going to put that in its own post later on with my ideas once I confirm with Keith that he's on board (I'm sure he doesn't care lol)

How far along? 20w2d!
Total weight gain/loss? Still haven't replaced the scale (I will be weighed on Friday)
Maternity clothes? I love my maternity clothes, but I still wear pre-pregnancy shirts
Stretch marks? Same stretch mark city on my back and sides, but no new ones surprisingly
Sleep? I could sleep all day still.
Best moment last week? My anatomy scan
Movement? I still don't feel her more often, but she's getting more feisty! Keith got to feel her a few times one night because she was kicking so hard
Food cravings? No consistent cravings, but I salivate over different foods when someone talks about them or I see them on TV
Gender? STILL A GIRL!
Belly button in/out? In for a long time. It's stretching a bit though.
What I miss: I'm loving this week, so nothing!
What I am looking forward to: Feeling Jillian more often and getting some baby gear in the house now that we feel a bit more comfortable
Milestones: I hit half-baked. I'm really looking forward to viability day at 24 weeks

My lop-sided belly and boobs. I have a smaller left boob and my belly is a little bigger on the left :P My bump looks so much bigger to me from above than it does in the mirror or pictures.

Happy tears

This morning I woke up with so much anxiety. I have really struggled with this weight loss crap (which I'm sure you can tell if you've been following since the beginning of my pregnancy) and I had convinced myself I hurt my baby. I was crying and shaking with fear. I guess I've been waiting for the other shoe to drop. It's hard to believe that I'd be lucky enough to have a healthy take home baby in a few months. Keith wasn't able to go with me and my friend that I'd feel comfortable asking is out of town visiting her family.

I got to the doctor's office 30 freaking minutes early and sat in my car shaking trying to work up the courage to go in and look like a normal human being. I went in a little over 15 minutes early and they only had me wait in the waiting room for 3 minutes tops. They took me back way before my appointment time! I also didn't have to step on the scale before the appt which I'm sure would have made me worry even more. I laid right down and the tech got to work. She looked at the brain, measured the head, looked at the bladder and kidneys, measured my cervix, tooks pictures of the placenta (which she labeled as anterior). She went really in depth looking at the heart to make sure it had all four ventricles and connected properly to whatever it is supposed to connect to lol. She kept saying how beautiful the heart and ventricles were.

She asked me if I wanted to know the sex. I said, "yes" and I didn't tell her that I had an elective. I wanted an unbiased opinion. Jill showed us the three little lines! No penis in sight!

She measured 10 ounces which the tech said is great for how far along I am. I'm going to take her word for it because they consider me almost a week further along. She didn't tell me any length measurements, but I caught a glimpse on the screen and her leg measured 19w4d (I'm 19w5d today). That was enough to make me feel so incredibly relieved!

I was done with the scan 5 minutes after my original appointment time! I cried when I got to the car. I HAVE A HEALTHY BABY GIRL! The other shoe didn't drop yet. Everything is how it should be. I love my little leech. I'm so glad Jill took nutrients for herself before I got them lol. I didn't hurt my baby. My appetite is back and my nausea is minimal so if things continue to go this way, I should have a healthy and normal-sized little girl in a little over 4 months! Holy shit! I am on cloud nine!

her little foot!

Bump comparison

So I have noticed very little growth of the bump over the past 4-5 weeks (and before that I had no bump really). I am going to attribute my freaking out to the fact that I have my anatomy scan tomorrow and I'm worry about Jill being big enough.. I'm probably just crazy and I'd freak out anyways, but we'll use the a/s as an excuse.

It looks a little higher, but it really doesn't look any bigger to me. One day, I might not look for something to worry about..

October 15th

I knew I wanted to write something for my lost babies today because it is miscarriage, stillbirth, and infant loss Remembrance Day. Honestly, I'm at a loss for words so I'm just going to ramble for a bit.

I feel sad, conflicted, guilty, and a whole slew of emotions about today. I guess I'll address the conflicted and guilty first:
Today, I am pregnant and I am head over heels for a little girl that I wouldn't have the pleasure of calling my daughter if I hadn't lost my other two babies. I don't even know if there is an appropriate way to feel right now, but I feel like it is wrong to be thankful for something that tore out parts of my heart that I will never recover. I feel like it is wrong to grieve two babies that, if I had either one of, would negate the existence of something/someone that I love and cherish so much. I guess that's where my head is today. I feel sad AND thankful because I have Jillian today, but I don't have my March 12 or Sept 12 babies in my arms.

I am who I am today because of the losses of my babies. I'm quite a bit more guarded, a little stronger, more pessimistic, more appreciative, a little bit sadder, and a bit more mature. There isn't a day that passes that I don't think of those two babies. I guess I'm just at a point now where I can't wish them back anymore. I will never be able to fill the holes left by their losses, but I wouldn't trade Jillian for anything. I can't imagine my life without her in my future. I know that nothing is guaranteed and I worry about losing her as well every single day of this pregnancy, but even if I lost her, I wouldn't go back and wish this experience or her short existence away for one of my babies back.

I know this post is a bunch of rambling. I know pretty much no one reads my blog (which I'm totally fine with). I just wanted to get out these thoughts on the off chance that someone else feels alone because of such conflicting feelings during pregnancy after loss or even parenting after loss. I don't know if how I feel or what I wrote will even make sense to anyone else, but I hope that even if a reader cannot relate, that they know that it is okay to grieve in any way they can and want. Your feelings don't have to fit into a cookie cutter.

Anyways, enough of my rambling. I will be lighting a candle tonight for the lost babies. Check out october15th.com for the details

19w0d

Not much going on this week. I have been feeling better and less congested. I had a mini episode today in Jo-ann's where I thought I was going to pass out, but I didn't thankfully. I actually just came home and had a bunch of water and laid down for about an hour and I was fine. I cleaned for the first time in a long time. It is pretty sad how bad I've let the house get. It's going to take me a while to get it looking better. Downstairs is done except for mopping and the small bathroom. Upstairs scares me to think about it..

I brought Jill's things downstairs so I could spread it all out and fold it. I took some pics. I apologize in advance for the awful red carpet. We rented this house bc we thought we'd be here for only 4 months (it turned into at least a year and 4 months..)

The large items on the left are sleep sacks, swaddle blankets, and snow suits. The rest are all onesies, shirts, pants, and sleepers and maybe like 4-5 dresses

My diaper stash is crazy to look at all spread out on the floor:

OS

NB

I'm still waiting on my glowbugs, sunbabies, and a few misc diapers I have bought and included in previous stash updates (I think I included them :P)

A/s is Thursday!

How far along? 19w0d!
Total weight gain/loss? Still haven't replaced the scale
Maternity clothes? I love my maternity clothes, but I still wear pre-pregnancy shirts
Stretch marks? Same stretch mark city on my back and sides.
Sleep? I could sleep all day still.
Best moment last week? Jill kicked me a lot yesterday and today after I worried about the movement not really increasing
Movement? I feel her at least once a day, but usually 2-4 times (I mean like mini "sessions" of her kicking and moving.. not just one kick a day)
Food cravings? Blimpies. I still don't have any strong cravings.
Gender? GIRL!
Belly button in/out? In for a long time. It's stretching a bit though.
What I miss: Having my body to myself
What I am looking forward to: My anatomy scan! I'd love to see Jill again and get her measurements
Milestones: None really this week. Half baked next Saturday!

Add caption

Thursday at 18w5d

18w0d

::Looks at post title again.. Is that right?!::
WTF!? How on earth am I that far along? How is it possible that I am sitting here obsessively looking on CD b/s/t groups while Jillian is happily kicking the laptop that is resting on my belly? The little booger is getting bigger and stronger. I have felt her several times on the outside, but Keith is never around when she's kicking lol. She must be a mama's girl!

This week was interesting.. Sunday was loads of fun! I finally made it out to NYC to meet up with some awesome girls! Thankfully, they were all super sweet and understanding that I wasn't up for a multiple mile hike through the city. We ate, shopped a little, and talked a bunch!

crammy, gg, jbm, me

Sunday night I started getting a bit of a sore throat. I figured I just over-did it that day and I'd be fine. Monday I woke up miserable with a worse sore throat. Tuesday turned into stuffy and runny nose, achey body, very uncomfortable/painful sinuses, a tiny bit of nausea, and the sore throat. Wednesday was all of that but 10x more painful/uncomfortable. I was absolutely miserable. I checked my temp regularly throughout the day and it stayed in the normal range (below 98 which seems typical for me). I attempted to sleep that night and finally got up around 4am and took my temp. It was 100.93. I started googling (and I more than learned my lesson about this.. it tells you basically that you and/or baby is doomed) which resulted in me calling the on-call doctor. He told me not to bother doing anything. I had a minor freak out bc the internet kept telling me to call immediately if experiencing flu symptoms OR a temp over 100.4 and I had both.. I finally went to sleep.. for 12 hours and woke up with a normal temp again and that feeling you get when you're getting over a cold. Now I just have the stuffy nose and that gross cough from the nasties that were clogging up my sinuses giving me so much pain. I learned to never look at google. I simply wanted to know what was considered a fever when you're pregnant so I googled "fever while pregnant" and the whole first page said things about fevers during pregnancy linked to autism and spina bifida. I didn't click into them and I plan to try my best to trust that baby Jill is okay in there.

Keith surprised me yesterday with the Coach diaper bag that I've been eying for a few weeks! It went on sale at the NEX and it was the last one so he picked it up! Now I have to stare at it longingly until March bc it is WAY too big to pass off as a purse and I'd never be able to fill it with non-baby items unless I carried the dog in it!

I also got in the nb bg's!

 I did buy another cloth diaper.. or 3.. I had to :P

NB cover

NB blueberry pocket diaper

OS HP cover.. OMG

Our anatomy scan is just a little under 2 weeks away! I really hope Jill is still a girl and that she's healthy and at least average sized (: Keith laughed when I asked if he could make it.. his work has been super crazy and it is unlikely that he'll be able to get off ): I really don't even know how the appt will work. The appointment is scheduled with a tech and not one of my regular doctors, so I'm not sure if I'll get any results right then or if I'll have to wait and consult with the doctor. I guess I should have asked that when I scheduled it, but it didn't really cross my mind at the time.

How far along? 18w0d!
Total weight gain/loss? Our scale broke :P I seriously have no idea about my weight and it's kind of liberating after worrying about it for so long
Maternity clothes? I love my maternity jeans. IDK if I'd fit comfortably into my regular jeans since I haven't looked back after buying the full panel maternity jeans
Stretch marks? Same stretch mark city on my back and sides.
Sleep? I could sleep all day still.
Best moment last week? Jillian's kicks getting stronger
Movement? I feel her a little more every few days (:
Food cravings? Blimpies. I still don't have any strong cravings.
Gender? GIRL!
Belly button in/out? In for a long time. It's stretching a bit though.
What I miss: I'm gonna have to go back to booze :P
What I am looking forward to: My anatomy scan! I'd love to see Jill again and get her measurements
Milestones: Feeling movement!

17w5d