4w4d

My fourth kind of blowed. Keith is being a huge baby. We seriously got in an argument about seeing fireworks because he's being a big baby about there not being any near us. We haven't gone to see the fireworks since we've been together.. IDK why he all of a sudden cares today. I swear.. he must be having sympathy pregnancy hormones and mood swings.

I am doing so well this pregnancy. I was so scared the last one. I never got attached. This one has felt different from day 1. I still get scared and have those moments of doubt, but I'd say I'm about 85% positive and only 15% freakout PgAL brain.

I found out that Keith is going to be underway for pretty much my whole pregnancy. I'm kind of scared shitless. What if something happens? I'm alone up here. Thankfully, when I found out last year, my grandma was able to take care of me. My mom and grandma were there while I cried and screamed in my bed. I can still see it and it still makes me cry to think about that day. I still vividly remember every moment from being on that ultrasound table to sitting with the nurse to trying so hard to drive myself home to screaming and crying to going in for surgery and waking up from the anesthesia to going to my grandma's and waiting for Keith to come home from sea so I could tell him the baby died and I just had it sucked out of me all while he was on a submarine thinking everything was a-okay. Oh my god.. what if I have to live with something like that for days or weeks? At least Keith came home the night after I found out and only 10 or so hours after my surgery.

On a lighter note, I called my sister and she said her and Coop would come live with me for a few weeks around my due date in case Keith is underway when I go into labor. I would love to have her by my side. I think she'd be the best labor coach and partner for the natural birth that I want. I think she'd be a great advocate for me and would help me stick to my guns. She's so strong and she's not one to waiver. I'd love having her help me learn how to be a mom for the first few days when family comes in. I know all of this is a long way off and I have plenty of time to let it all sink in and work out the details. Lets just hope that LO doesn't stray to far from his or her due date unless Keith is home :P

Totally unrelated: I'm reading a book called Divergent. I hope it turns out to be good. A lot of people compare it to The Hunger Games. So far, it's a pretty easy read.

Back to the baby talk: I'm going to share some of my crazykakes tests. At this point, I'm just wasting tests because I'm very confident that I don't have to worry about my tests fading out.

Yesterday at 17DPO. Today's test line is darker than the control

4w4d

A dear friend sent us this SOA onesie.. I'm dying at how adorable!

How far along?  4 weeks and 4 days
Total weight gain/loss?  Last I checked, I lost 3-4 pounds. Probably from the lack of booze
Maternity clothes?  Not yet. I haven't even felt bloated yet.
Stretch marks? No bloat or belly yet.
Sleep?  I am tired All.The.Time. I can take a long nap in the middle of the day and still fall asleep at 10pm and sleep through the night. I'm usually yawning around 10am
Best moment last week? The super super dark lines.
Movement?  Not for a while, I'm sure.
Food cravings?  I haven't really had any cravings yet.
Gender? No idea but I have strong girl vibes
Belly button in/out? In for a long time.
What I miss: Booze. I don't really miss anything too much.
What I am looking forward to: I don't know. I want first tri to hurry up, but I'm really enjoying being pregnant. I am so incredibly happy. I haven't made an appointment yet because I'm going to switch my insurance hopefully tomorrow (and I think it takes 10 days to switch over) so it'll be a while until I even have a date to count down to. I'm fine with that. I don't really want to see a doctor until 9 weeks or later anyways. I'd actually be okay not having an u/s until 20w. I'm thinking of buying a doppler towards the end of this month.
Milestones: I passed my latest loss's milestone. I lost my last at 4w2d. My next milestone will be to make it past 8w5d. I hope to be able to find the hb on the doppler around that time.

So.. yeah.. March..

9DPO FMU, 9DPO SMU, 10-12DPO FMU

So, that is what happened with cycle 11. I'm pregnant. I am a huge mix of emotions (mainly good, I promise!). I was convinced we'd need help. I was convinced there was something wrong with me. I was convinced that I would hit this past week and the next month with an empty uterus and a sad heart.

Here I am, 13DPO with progressing lines. I know, I know.. HPTs can't tell you if your pregnancy is going well or not. With my chemical pregnancy, my lines were exactly the same for all five days.. very faint until they faded away and I started my period.

Chemical Pregnancy tests. 10DPO, 11DPO, 14DPO (15 was neg)

I am due March 9. Just 8 days after what should be my Angel's 1st birthday. For some reason, that makes me hopeful. I at least feel like I'll have some time with this baby. A little longer than 5 days. I have known I am pregnant for the same amount of time as last pregnancy already and those lines are steadily progressing.

So far, I have been overwhelmed with girl thoughts. Keith still thinks boy and his mom thinks twins.. I would die if I had twins. I don't know what I'd do with myself. Yes, that's right! We told family this time. We told our close family today at 13DPO or 3w6d. We're both feeling really positive and I'd love support if this ends badly and we have to do loss testing.

Today, some of that high from the positives wore off. I'm starting to get scared and I keep trying to put those thoughts out of my mind by distracting myself. I've been thinking non-stop about the pregnancy since our positive test at 9DPO on Monday. Today is the first day I've been trying not to think about it as much. Monday will put me past my Chemical Pregnancy milestone. I think I'll take a slight breath once I hit 6 weeks. I want to try and schedule my ultrasound for around 9 weeks (which will be the first-second week of August). Last year, my baby stopped growing at 8w0d and I think if I'm only going to get one early u/s, that I'd like it to be after that milestone.

Well, I don't have much else to say. I have sore nipples and I'm tired almost all of the time. That's about it :P

Cycle 11

I don't have a bunch to say about this cycle since it just started.

I wanted to make an appointment for early next cycle for the basic blood work... but I found out my wonderfully responsible husband THOUGHT he enrolled me for his insurance and he didn't. It isn't effective now until July. Keith starts going underway in very early fall as far as we know. I might have some bloodwork done to make sure I don't have a thyroid problem (my mom and sister have it), but I won't be doing much more unless a doctor really suggests it. I obv won't be taking meds bc his schedule is so crazy that who knows if he'll be home during a FW or not. I feel awful and a lot of pressure bc we have 2-3 cycles to get KU after not a bit of luck in so long. I am starting a diet on Monday. Maybe that time will be great for me to get healthier. I also don't know how I'd feel about being pregnant when he's underway again. I can't do a miscarriage again while he's gone and I don't have my family near me. I think we need to evaluate whether we want to try these next few months tomorrow. When he is underway, they monitor the emails and may or may not edit/block an email giving news like that. I don't know if I can go though that alone. I'm going to go to bed and talk to Keith tomorrow when he gets off of work.

Cycle 10 in a nutshell

SEX SEX SEX HOPE HOPE HOPE SEX HOPE SEX OVULATION HOPE HOPE BFN BFN BFN

Come on cycle 11. I'm so over this. I'm having a pity me day today. 11 months and one day ago, I got my first BFP. A few days after that, I started this blog full of hope. The hope is in the shitter now.

Sorry for being a whiny Neg Nanc today.

How I am doing.

I have been pushed to write a bit from a few awesome people (:
Since I've been working again, I have been feeling much better. I have something else that consumes so much of my life and time. I have had hard times in the past when I didn't have anything to do like a job. I get too much in my head when I am left alone to wallow in whatever sadness my mind can create. So, I am happy to report.. that I am happier! I still have those crazy times when I'm overcome with grief and I break down. I still think about my baby and losses daily. I just seem to be at one of those peaks (if you can call it that..) in this roller coaster of a journey.
Sometimes I wonder how much I really want to aggressively TTC (OPKs, temping, timing sex to the FW) because I am very nervous about being pregnant again. Mainly, I feel very positive about my next pregnancy. I will try my hardest to explain it.. My first miscarriage was awful. I had so much doubt in the beginning, and then I had that positivity after the hb and it all fell to shit. With my second mc, I expected a miscarriage from day one. I had less than 12 hours of feeling positive about it that I didn't even give myself the chance to fall in love with the baby. I feel like both were different and were hopefully caused by different things. I hope so much that they were awful bad luck instead of a problem that I may have.
I sometimes feel guilty that each loss is different to me (as in one is much more traumatic). I told my sister about getting the elephant tattoo with one elephant being larger than the other. I told her that it was because the bigger one would be the big brother or sister to the second, and her response was, "oh good! I thought you wanted one smaller bc one was more important than the other!" My heart twinged with extreme guilt. Even though that had nothing to do with my tattoo, I really DO feel like one is more of my baby than the other. I never connected or, sadly, really loved my second. I don't know if that is normal. I try to tell myself that grief has no normal. I don't know why my sister, who has not had a miscarriage, made me feel bad about my own hurt.
I am on cycle 10 now. I'm pretty scared for this month to not work. I have one of those "milestones" (for lack of a more appropriate word) that I never wanted to touch next month. My June cycle of last year led to my first BFP with my sweet lost LO. I never thought that I'd be approaching that right now, just like I never thought I'd pass my first EDD without being pregnant for quite a while. There's not much I can do besides have sex like rabbits. We have had excellent timing since our loss in January.. I hope it happens soon. There's a lot of pressure this month. I got my 2nd BFP 5 months after my first loss. This month marks 5 months since my last..
Shit, I should have a 2 month old baby or be 22 weeks with my second baby. At least time seems to be passing by quickly.

Faithfully

I just wanted to share the song I walked down the aisle to. This song means so much to me. We picked it after having a really rough couple of months where Keith was gone more than he was home. Listening to it instantly puts me back in that moment with my dad and first seeing all of my friends and family and then seeing how incredibly handsome Keith looked. God.. that was the absolute best moment of my life. Right up there with seeing my little one on the u/s screen with that flickering little heart.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ALph_u2iee8

We chose the cover by Boyce Avenue just because it was a little slower

Faithfully by Journey
Highway run
Into the midnight sun
Wheels go round and round
You're on my mind

Restless hearts
Sleep alone tonight
Sending all my love along the wire
They say that the road
Ain't no place to start a family
Right down the line it's been you and me
And loving a music man
Ain't always what it's supposed to be
Oh Girl
You stand by me
I'm forever yours
Faithfully
Circus life
Under the big top world
We all need the clowns to make us smile

Through space and time
Always another show
Wondering where I am lost without you
And being apart ain't easy on this love affair
Two strangers learn to fall in love again
I get the joy of rediscovering you
Oh girl
You stand by me
I'm forever yours
Faithfully

Oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh
Oh oh oh oh oh oh
Faithfully
I'm still yours
I'm forever yours
Ever yours
Faithfully

 I can't wait to get the images on a CD instead of having the proofs :P

Valentine's Day

Here I am crying on Valentine's Day. What is wrong with me? I have a great husband, a nice townhouse, a great family at home, my sweet puppy cuddled up next to me. Why can't I be happy for what I have and stop longing for what I've lost? I should be about two weeks from holding my little one for the first time. Instead I'm sitting here grieving the loss. I've had a rough couple of weeks lately. This miscarriage business has seriously been a roller coaster. I was lower than I've ever been, then for a while I was coasting along and feeling almost normal again and then BAM! I'm back down super low. Crying about it isn't going to bring my baby back. I just want to move forward. Maybe once my EDD passes, I'll be able to be as happy as I was a few months ago. It really isn't fair to Keith. He tries so hard to make me happy. Hopefully he'll be home from work soon and I can get my mind off of everything.
This cycle is a bust and it's not even half way over. I made plans to go home for my sister's birthday which coincides with my O date. I leave Thursday night and return Tuesday morning with a probable O on Sunday. I'm a little bummed, but I'm excited to see my sister and nephew. Maybe I'll have a December baby instead of November. Plus, it'll be easier to go home and see Keith's family for the holidays if we don't have a newborn.
I'm gonna try to pep up and stay away from TB today. Maybe I'll watch a movie or something for the next two hours.